I’m so confused about what I want. I’m a 23 year old female and yet I have these strange, conflicting cravings about sex. My boyfriend utterly destroyed my sanity when he left about eight months ago, a grand feat as I was the most stable, sane and normal person I knew. I knew myself so well then… I was a smart, strong, career driven, straight feminist. I had a normal to low sex drive, but I blamed it on the fact that we didn’t live together and it was more difficult to be romantic while my roomates were in the next room. Then, after we broke up I was forced to move out of my home and into a two bedroom with just one of my roomates- a platonic male friend I’d never been attracted to and knew since I was four. After living together for a month we somehow ended up in bed together and I discovered that I was constantly aroused. I wasn’t happy unless I had sex twice a day. The weird thing, the terrible thing- we both know that we could never be a couple. Neither of us wants to be in a relationship and I’m not attracted to him. We’re fuck buddies.
Or rather we were. I decided I didn’t want to continue with him that way for a bunch of noble and stupid reasons, but I still feel this unnatural sex appetite. Before I realized it I started going to cam sites. Girl ones. And I’m straight. And now I think I’m obsessed with a girl named Anime_Eyes, though it’s not that I’m sexually attracted to her… I’m just attracted to her. I feel nothing when I think about having sex with a girl, and frankly I find vaginae kind of intimidating and gross so I’m pretty sure I’m not gay or bi, and yet I get off on these sites. The worst thing is that for the first time since I started to come a part at the seams eight months ago, since I stopped feeling much of anything, I experience this glowing euphoria and heart ache looking at Anime_Eyes. I want to hug her to me, stroke her hair, kiss her gently. Not sex. Just intimacy.
I don’t know why my depression is manifesting this way, but I’m so confused. And horny. It’s a bad combination and I don’t know how to start feeling normal again.