im just a worthless piece of shit. i found this website when i did a google search on suicide self hatred. i just dont want to live anymore. i have no purpose. god doesnt want me or need me, and probly hates me anyway. people say human life and the human body is precious but my life has no meaning and my body is certainly not precious. thats crazy. my body is an ugly piece of shit and i fuckin hate it. im so sick of how i look. i hate it. i hate my voice, personality, habits, body, thoughts, dreams, everything. i just want […]
October 2011
ah, I’ve been commenting a lot, so needless to say I’m back. My turn for the better didn’t last, but then there is always hope that my turn for the worse won’t last either. Doing a lot of volunteer work now, that actually helps. Just my sleep is f…d and that affects the rest. Too tired to go to church today, also don’t wanna face people I deeply care about asking me how I am. I am shit, but I don’t want to worry them, again…..
So I’ll do some selfcare at home, do some of my hobbies, maybe take a hot bath and a […]
Last night I had my first good dream in a while. I dreamed I was back with my real friends and with people who cared. I was back before now when the one I love still loved me and was willing to wait. When I could go to him when I felt broken again and he would fix me and make me not want to cut or die. And when even if I didn’t have him I had Kate who loved me just as much. Now I wake up hoping to be able to look around and see them but they’re not there.
what are […]
Here we go again.
I was walking home with dark thoughts, thoughts of death. Which is nothing new after all. I wanted to talk to someone so i came here, because i need some support and advice. I had this small fight with two of my friends. And i was so cold and rude to them. I could see my selfish reflect in their disappointed eyes. On the way home i asked my self what kind of person I am. Recently i did some research about bipolar people and their symptoms. Tonight i felt this cold breeze, on half way to my home , Â and realized […]
The sound of the train. Was fucking taunting me last night. I regret not being there. Lying on the tracks. Music blasting. Staring at the stars. Thinking how miniscule I am. Compared to the universe. To all living things. A tree is more important to this world than little ol’ me. I cried because I wasn’t there. As opposed to crying because i’m waiting for my imminent death. Knowing the end is near and i’m finally at peace and everything is brighter. I see more clearly. I told myself I wouldn’t come back to SP. But I did. And it was really only to mention […]
Suicide is Painless
Through early morning fog I seeÂ
visions of the things to beÂ
the pains that are withheld for meÂ
I realize and I can see…Â
[chorus]:Â
That suicide is painlessÂ
It brings on many changesÂ
and I can take or leave it if I please.Â
I try to find a way to makeÂ
all our little joys relateÂ
without that ever-present hateÂ
but now I know that it’s too late, and…Â
[Chorus]Â
The game of life is hard to playÂ
I’m gonna lose it anywayÂ
The losing card I’ll someday layÂ
so this is all I have to say.Â
[Chorus]Â
The only way to win is cheatÂ
And lay it […]
This life is getting so wearisome, and I don’t know what to do anymore..
I took 14 sleeping pills in a parking lot then decided to drive around in my car hoping that I would just blackout at the wheel. I became dizzy with the medication overdose. Along with the tears that clouded my eyes even more. I’m going to commit suicide by the end of the new year if not sooner. I already promised myself that.
If you were able to change, what has once happened in the past, would you?
If you were given the choice to live or to die, which one would you choose?
If you had the chance to be a different person today, would you take up the chance?
If you were asked to choose between having a true friend or a sharp razor, which would it be?
If somebody told you that they love you, will you believe them?
If your friend too were suicidal, what would you want for him/her?
Why?
It’s been 10 years since I last felt this way. Full of nothing but bullshit and utter hopelessness and mind-numbing, soul-destroying sorrow. I guess it’s my namesake, my legacy.
Being here doesn’t help. It’s always worse here. Here, I am just a worthless, stupid piece of shit. No matter how much I try to be helpful, stay out of the way, keep everyone happy. But I don’t ever succeed, not at anything.
I haven’t cut in atleast 6 or 7 years. Sometimes I still crave that pain so much… Just before the guilt and shame of the scars I already still have sets in. I […]
i dont know. Maybe next week. Maybe on fall break. I will escape. No sorry. No notes. No nothing. I will let the world devour on its own cause im done. Im done with everything. A lot of people dont want me here. So i will officially do my job. Lets my friends cry let my family died inside have one person i love scream why. Lets face it. Suicide is my way to go for me. Even if i fail… My mind will never be change. Although my birthday is coming up soon… mind as will try to end it before it.