Please forgive me for this waffle. I guess i am needing to let it all out cos i am really in the worst place rightnow. I dont feel i have any future or reason to live. I keep trying for strenght to end it all and dont know why i cant. I know its not what i ultimately want but i cant find any other way out of all this pain. All i can think of is all the bad stuff, I cant find any good. Im 35 and single again. Got to find myself somewhere new to live on my own again and have no money or income, cant work – too messed up. Im in therapy 2 days per week and its getting me nowhere. i still live with my now ex. i have no kids (good or bad i dont know) time is running out for me to ever have kids – i have serious health problems following having had cancer some years ago. ive already been told i will probably get cancer again cos of treatments ive had etc. i have no friends, a mum a million miles away who only cares about herself and my stepdad. a brother again a long way away, hes lost all his money in the economic climate and is only just surviving himself. when i move i wont be able to take my cats with me. i will have to get rid of the car cos i cant afford it. i have debts i cant pay. why am i still here. there is no future for me. i cant see myself getting a bloke ever again. i dont know how i could explain all the baggage and scars. ive spent my whole life trying to feel better, been in therapy on and off since i was 12. isnt it time i threw in the towel? sorry i dont know what to say. there is no light at the end of the tunnel. no bloomin silver lining, im sick of hearing there is something around the corner, all ive ever found around the corner are more kicks in the face! rant over.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
1 comment
Wow–I have to say, I can really relate. I don’t have any solutions, but I can offer sympathy and a friend along the (crappy) path. I’m so sorry about everything, and the thought of you being separated from your cats broke my heart. I hope that something changes so that you might be able to be with them. I was in the exact same boat at 38. My ex kicked me out right in the middle of a hell year at work (my first stab at full-time work after years of illness) and a legal error resulting in years of horrible litigation. I felt the same way and was medicated to the wazoo. Had not had cancer but had other physical illnesses which made it really hard to function.
All I can say is that weird junk does happen. I’m still fairly miserable at the moment but did have a spell of happiness after age 38 when I met my now husband at age 39. I’m not sure he’ll be able to handle all of my symptoms, but he hasn’t booted me out yet.
I totally hear you too about people talking about “something good around the corner.” Or getting reamed for not being “positive.” Wtf, sometimes things just aren’t positive!
Sounds like you’re in a real crap situation–I hear you about the bills you can’t pay and all of it.
(Are you in the UK? That’s where I am.)