connections

family – intolerable; I’m changing my name and starting a new family line

friends – so close yet so far; I can be the best friend you ever had but I don’t see the point anymore as I don’t get anything out of camaraderie(besides cheap laughs). I know I’ll never be happy like my friends are and it puts a strain on relations. Listening to them complain about relationships and other aspects of human life that I have no access to leaves me feeling dead and angry inside.

co-workers – the only people I wear a mask around; I changed jobs, started the new one this week because the people I’d been working with have seen me with my mask off and it’s hard to go back to a professional working relationship after they see you for what you really are.

work – peace and quiet; I go into a trance and when I awaken, I’m in work mode. Nothing else matters except for what’s right in front of me. I barely hear background noise, rarely notice when someone enters a room; I love work mode and wish I could live in it. It’s the only special thing that my brain does.

play – don’t go out; it’s all futile. Outside there are people and meeting people usually leads a person to sort them as either friend or foe. See my note on friends.

brother – The only one I love. He keeps me going, gives me something worthwhile to do. I know why so many people have kids. So many have simply given up on themselves and their own dreams for a wide array of reasons and so they invest in the little people and give them the chance to shine.

(at this point, I went out on the balcony and smoked a joint. I’m staying at my moms and finding it hard to leave despite how uncomfortable it is here. Being around my brother all the time now let’s me at least glimpse happiness and I’m so afraid of losing that, all just for my peace of mind.)

love – the only women that have ever claimed to love me were those who suffered like I do now. Back then(it’s been 3 years since I’ve been on a date),  I hadn’t taken up sedating myself with marijuana yet so I was in full psychopath mode. I used women under the guise of seeking love. Every time I conquered a woman, I’d lose all feelings and respect for her, and things would quickly dissolve thereafter. I say it so callously, but at the time, I really believed that I was this nice guy who always seemed to end up with depressed nutjobs. It wasn’t until Mary Jane did I finally confront my hero complex and figure out that I was targeting these women, partly because I knew they were easy, but mostly because I knew that they were the only ones that “got me”.

My happiest times were with bipolar women, abused women; everything was so open and there was no need for masks. I felt normal in those relationships. By that I mean, I didn’t feel broken anymore. We nurtured each other, gave one another someone to put all these excess emotions into. Only now at this exact moment in time do I feel bad about those failed relationships.  So many chances for happily ever after, wasted.

Now, I’m so deep in misanthropy that I can’t see myself ever turning back. I want to try but once again, futile. Ever since I acknowledged my own abusive behavior towards women, I haven’t had the spirit to court anyone. It’s not a self esteem thing because I know, in a lot of ways, I’m amazing. I’m aware of how damaged I am though and how crazy I can be and this info acts as a permanent psych out. When it comes to love and relationships, I don’t bring anything good to the table and I know it.

me – Not sure I’m really here. I feel that my life is simply a reaction to the near perfection of the human body. Like a flashlight with batteries, the connection between our body and brain produces this life; awareness. The ability to perceive existence the way we do is godly. But that’s it. I don’t feel that there’s any rhyme or reason for anything; we simply exist. Matter simply exists. Just because we “die” and stop being aware of the world doesn’t mean that we stop existing. We remain in the memories of those left behind, in our actions and footprints made throughout a lifetime, but most of all our bodies. The body exists long after it stops emitting light. We’ve all probably eaten people. Think of all the people cremated and whose ashes are cast out over bodies of water. I’m sure some of those particles end up in the bodies of fish, who in turn end up on a dinner plate. Circle of life.

With such an open(and nihilistic) view on life, the universe and everything, it becomes impossible to perceive daily human escapades as anything more than a game created by our forefathers to keep us all from dipping into savagery. We have all sorts of shit to keep us busy so that we don’t think about the fact that we’re on a relatively tiny rock that’s hurtling through space/time. Fact: You know as much about life as any person that has ever lived. All the religions, philosophies, sciences etc etc are hearsay. People have been labeling existence as best they could since the very beginning. The thing is though, there isn’t anyone of greater authority to check our work and say, “yep, you’re right. gold star!” We don’t know of any being that has more awareness than the human being. In this cold, lonely corner of our universe, we are it.

Not sure I’m really here because I don’t feel connected to the game anymore. The game isn’t mandatory; this knowledge drives people mad. This knowledge also leads to great power as all socio/psychopaths know this; just take a look at the personalities running the world, winning the game.

If I don’t play the game, then what am I doing? The answer is, “do what you want to do.” The problem is that I don’t want to do anything. I don’t care anymore. It’s all a stupid game for monopoly money so I don’t care.

weed – That’s where weed comes in. I sedate because it doesn’t matter what I do. Lung cancer, whatever; suicide is my trump card. I’m going to die sometime, the only mystery in life is how. Weed makes me worse, but it also makes me better. It feeds my depression and also feeds off of it to nourish certain sectors in my brain that allow for open thought.

I lose all feeling and just about forget that I inhabit a human body. Do you know how wonderful it feels to shed your body? You don’t realize how heavy it is until you do. Other than my brother, weed is the only thing keeping me alive. My reason for living is so that I can get high and transcend my body for a couple hours. I oftentimes go to sleep wishing that I not wake the next morning, despite the fact that I’m pretty damn healthy. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m most likely going to be alive for quite some time(I live cautiously) and weed stops me from thinking about the lonely road ahead.

Which is why I’m going to take advice from Joe Rogan and pursue life as a psychonaut. I’m going to fry my fucking brain with every psychedelic that I can get my hands on. I’ll never really know anything more than what I can imagine so I may as well help my brain imagine as best it can.