November 13th, 2011by TxDriver
There are some things I am trying to take care of before I remove myself from this life. I don’t want to leave my daughters with the financial burdens of my life with my ex, so I’m trying to get my affairs in order and have my funeral arrangements in place when the time comes.
This sorry life just makes it so damn hard to wait it out though. The sadness and sorrow are so overwhelming and it’s all I can do not to just go ahead and get it over with. I am so SICK and TIRED of crying, hurting, and just having to live with the fact that less than 2 months have passed, yet my ex has already replaced me and started a new life with some other woman. GOD I HATE MY LIFE! It’s pathetic that we give some people the power to hurt us so deeply that we never recover, while they go on to happily ever after. I’m fed up with people telling me God has something better for me. I HAD better dammit and I didn’t ask to get my heart torn out just so God could interfere in my life once more! If He was the one who brought my ex into my life in the 1st place, then why in the hell couldn’t He just let him STAY in my life??? Why is the only option God has left me is to take my own life because I cannot handle the pain of knowing I am nothing?
Everyone thinks I should just “get over this and move on”, that the time for crying and being hurt has passed. They just don’t GET it! This was the life I wanted, the life I was led to believe by my ex that HE wanted too, yet he erased the last 10 years we were together like it was nothing and just started over. HOW do I live with that everyday of my miserable life, growing old alone, because I’m too scared, hurt and tired to start over, while he has a wonderful life?!?
I wake up every morning before the sunrise and just stare out the window as the new day begins and beg God to let this be the day He goes ahead and takes me. I go to sleep at night, crying and staring at the darkness, hoping and praying that this will be the last time I have to wake up to see a new day. If I actually dream it’s even worse, because in my dreams, my ex comes back to me, there is no other woman in his life. Then I wake up and his leaving and replacing me so quickly hurts almost as much as it did when he first left, so I know then that this pain inside is never going to leave me. I will take it to my grave, but he will never know and even if he did, he won’t care. I’m less than a thought to him.
I am going to try and find something productive to do besides think and cry, but the nighttime is the hardest on me because I will eat alone, then crawl into my bed all alone and dread the next sunrise. God is supposed to be merciful, but considering what myself and so many others are going through with no reprieve or release from the pain, I just don’t buy that.