Im sick of suffering

November 26th, 2011 by Stacey Corbin

I suffer everyday.
I suffer from the guilt. The guilt of getting my moms old high school sweet heart and setting them up and my mom said they had crazy sex. BTW my mom and dad were married and they still are so i helped my mom cheat on my dad. I hate my father. He is so abusive. Then the guy that slept with my mom just left one day and never said a word and now i have to live with the guilt of what i know and i can never tell my dad.
I suffer from irritable bowel syndrome so i can never leave the house unless i know there is going to be more than one bathroom at the place i will be going to . It controls my life so badly! i turned down parties and trips to broadway and plane rides to florida. I hate my life.. I hate sufferring.
I suffer in school. I have no friends because i am really smart. Everyone calls me a bitch, slut, whore, cunt, asshole. and gives me dirty looks. I feel so alone. There are rumors flying around about me all the time. This weeks was that i liked killing people and the week before that was that i was pregnant. I feel like i cant fit in anywher. I dread going to school and i dread going home.
I suffer from depression but my parents dont believe in therapy so i cant go and get help.
I suffer from suicidal thoughts but i cant tell anybody because they will just send me to a mental hospital and thats not what i want. i jsut want someone to talk to and care about me. My parents call me a mistake so obviously i cant talk to them. I hate my life so bad. I suffer pain and guilt every single god damned day of my life. I jsut want it to end but i am afraid of dying so i cant kill myslef but i want to die. my life sucks so bad. i hate myself and everyone else around me.

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13 Responses to “Im sick of suffering”

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  1. Wow that is a lot of issues, what grade are you in, how long til you can get out on your own, if you are so smart what is college looking like, can you get a scholarship to go away to school? Well your parents might not believe in therapy, but can’t you see a doctor for that IBS problem. A lot of that could be caused or at least worsened by your stress and depression. Maybe change your diet, could be something you are eating that is affecting your stomach or you might get a prescription that at least might lessen the problem.
    Suicidal thoughts well those are more common then we think. I bet everyone at some point or another has wanted to die. Why does everyone at school hate you, surely the other smart kids don’t hate you for being smart? lol and the rumors sound like they are a bit much.
    Don’t feel guilty about helping your mom cheat on your dad, their problems aren’t your fault, that would have happened anyway with or without your help they would have found a way. Really is just sounds like they shouldn’t still be together, that they just make themselves and their kids unhappy.
    there really isn’t anyone that you can talk to about this stuff, noone that cares about you?

    • I am in 11th grade. I cant go to college because i cant afford it and the chances of me getting a scholarship is way out of reach. I asked my mom to see a doctor about my ibs but she refuses to go. Ive had it for years so i pretty much have it under control its just still a lot of added stress. Pertaining to the suicidal thoughts. I have them all the time and now that christmas is almost here they are constant but im too chicken. I dont know why people hate me i really am super funny and outgoing like im not a bitch or a coach loving skinny bitch you know what i mean? im just a plain jane. but people are always staring and its not like im goth. I dont dress in black or cut myself i look like a regular person on the street. and the rest of the smart poeple do hate me becuase i just became smart like three years ago. i got motviated after my parents second divorce so i wasnt friends with them from the getgo and you know how in high school there is no joining clicks half way through the game where you are is where you stand for the rest of the time in hs. i just see my dad everyday and i feel so horrible about it. i jsut want to scream it to him but then ill break up my family. and no there really isnt anyone that i can talk to . I know it sounds exaggerated but its true. no one cares because they want to. most care like my family beuase they half to and only do the bare minimum.

  2. Well at least the high school is only another year and a half. Once you get out of there at least you won’t have to deal with those people on a regular basis. Of course a year and a half can be a lifetime when everything is so bad. Doesn’t really sound like you can do much to make things better at school. Its to bad about those smart kids, even having just a few people to talk to that you shared classes with, could eat lunch with, that can make high school a lot easier to endure. It sucks you aren’t happy at home either. Can you at least just stay in your room mostly? I spent almost all my time when I was home back in the high school years by myself. In my room, always listening to music, and playing video games, or reading, watching tv. Just anything to keep my mind occupied and pass the time.
    There is no guarantee things will get better after high school but hopefully they will, maybe you can start out at a community college or a vocational school, seems like there is grants and stuff to help people that couldn’t afford to go to college otherwise. You thought about how things might go what you might want to do once you graduate?

    • i really want to be a teacher! i want to teach and to help kids so they dont feel like i do.

  3. well thats cool, at least you know something you want. Teacher means you pretty much have to go to college though. What level do you want to teach at? High school teachers probably can’t do all that much to make things better for kids. You have like 200 students you teach every day and only have them for that one class. I mean sure there are a few movies about high school teachers that made a difference, but I imagine those are very rare exceptions. Do you have or have you had any teachers you really liked that inspired you?

    • yeah ive had one in particular. and yes i want to be a high school teacher. He really helped me my freshman year. he went throught the same things that im going thorugh. ive thought about going to talk to him again but its wierd to not talk to him for two years and then stop in and pore my heart out. its just wierd. i became kind of obsessed with him and ifound out where he lived and i always walked by his class room and i was always trying to get his attention. ever since i havent had him as a teacher the urge to get his attention stopped but i dotn want it to start again. i mean im not a creeper or anything i swear but i hate the feeling that i have to get everyones attention all the time.

  4. well sounds like you talked to him a lot in freshman year if you know he went through the same stuff you did. Do you want to talk to him again? I wouldn’t stop by and pour your heart out maybe just say hi lol see if he asks you about your grades, current classes or whatever. That really doesn’t sound that creepy, even if you were obsessed you didn’t do anything weird and you got over it. As for attention well when you don’t get any I guess you can get a bit desperate for it.

  5. i would love to just talk to somebody in person on a daily basis that i know wont call 911 or something. i feel so alone. the last time i told a friend. i ended up in a mental hosptial but i lied my way through the whole thing and got out in two hours.phewww

  6. Well at least you can say things here and not worry about people calling 911. Its not “in person” but it is something at least. Obviously the best would be if your parent’s would let you talk to a counselor, even that wouldn’t be every day though.

  7. i mean like a friend to talk to every day. a counselor every week or two.

  8. Yea its tough to find friends you can trust enough to talk with about stuff like this. Well actually sometimes it can be tough to find friends period. Hopefully you can find someone though.

    • I hate being alone. It just makes you think that that is all your going to be and then you want to end it. like seriously the light at the end of my tunnel is a high speed train.

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