well for so long ive been wanting to just die and i thought suicide was the only solution to ending all my pain and misery. ive also started cutting again. but no matter how deep or how much i cut the pain never fades away i now know suicide/cutting isnt the answer to being “happy” again its something i need to work on in the inside i guess? i really dont know. anyways everyones telling me i need to be put on medication but i dont wanna have people saying more shit about me than they already do idk i feel like if the word got […]
November 2011
I had planned on today being the day. I woke when roomate left for work at 6am. I set up the “tank” affixed the line and mask to my face and couldn’t do it at first. I Kept taking it off and putting it back on. This went on for 4 hrs. The last time I put it on, I actually opened the valve and inhaled possibly 2 breaths, I felt a great deal of panic as I felt something was happening, I was on the edge of passing out, yet the panic and heart rate was thru the roof.
I am so freaking scared to […]
I feel lonely all the time. I’ve never been able to make friends since school. I’m never made to feel like i’m part of something. Like I went out in a group and and nobody talked to me and the moment I start talking and trying to be social i’m blocked out and people don’t want to talk to me. I’ve always been an outcast. It’s not like I enjoy being alone. I feel like crying everyday. I used to be able to think positive a little but now I can’t even find the energy to get out of bed at times. I can’t even […]
I haven’t been on here in forever! I missed all of you guys! Literally haven’t since about August? Yeah, August. Well hello!
Life actually sucks for me. I feel like dying still. I’ve been happy and safe on and off but now I know I need to kill myself. Because of my last overdose, I don’t want to do that anymore because of how painful and uncomfortable it was for me. I need a new method. Knives don’t work. I’ve tried cutting and have before but they don’t like making me bleed a lot. I guess I need to just learn.
I’m so lonely. All the kids […]
Dear summer we go together like light days and crisp tees, give me couple of years and I might just peep ya; a couple of years like a random vaca. Tell me summer how you make me feel so good? When we r reunited it feels so good. When you bring the sun up, it makes me wanna pick my gun up and go become a stunna. Fuck it, being a stunna ain’t the same as when I was a peer. I know it sounds weird. I don’t know what happened along the way, but I was never no stunna; I was weird. You know […]
work
go home?..
home 1 – brampton – joelles house(dad’s best friend)
home 2 – toronto – moms house
home 1 is just a room; no access to kitchen, shower, or heat. Joelle offered me a home but neglected to tell that I’d practically be living homeless
home 2 is no room, but access to kitchen, shower etc. My mom has always been a carribean nazi though. It’s always been her house; nerver ours. Her way or the highway, despite the fact that I’d be the primary breadwinner(she works retail, i’m white collar).
I have privacy at Joelle’s to smoke. My mom doesn’t seem to mind my smoking […]
Big mistake.
Her face contorted. “Well, it doesn’t fucking matter, because you’re not going there, anyway.â€
I fucking hate her.
Hydrocodone mg. Hydrocodone overdose. Hydrocodone ups. Buy Hydrocodone in Jacksonville.
I did end up telling my dad. After explaining that it was the best engineering school in the country, he grew excited.
Then my mom talked to him.
I want to fucking kill myself.
I put so much effort into school, so much fucking effort, all for the sake of being able to get the fuck out of this house.
I fucking hate her. I want to fucking kill her.
I am so sick of feeling so trapped. […]
I think about suicide just as much as I think about a lot of other things. I imagine what effects it would have on my family, my husband and my toddler. She would say, “mama! mama!” calling me about the house and my family would have to tell her “mama went bye-bye”, and how sad they would feel to have to say that. And my parents, to have raised me all my life, spent time and money and love to shape me to be the being I am, just for me to waste my life. She was going to get her tubes tied, but changed […]
I began cutting at the age of 14. Got serious and went to rehab and have been ‘sober’ for 8 years now. I remember the joy and pleasure it gave. It’s been a ‘scar’ on my personality ever since and they will never fade. I have made multiple ‘attempts.’ I guess, I never ‘tried’ bit if I succeeded I wouldn’t have minded it. The only think keeping me from it is the shame I bring to my family and the social stigma that comes with the territory of prying eyes. I have been obsessed with death and no light in sight. I feel like today […]