so this will probably be my last post – ive decided to ‘depart’ tonight – two hours to be exact.
i really wish it didnt have to be this way..
but it is so theres no more pretending everything will get better
i know you will read this and probably be upset my baby – but you made my last couple of days worth every second and i love you with all of my heart and soul.
you deserve the best
November 2011
confused
suicidal
LIVING
i dont know anymore. things get good and then fall aimlessly into nothing. so i wrote a poem..
there is a woman wearing my clothes and my hair, smell, and my skin – but it isnt me..
sin is like ink, it bleeds into a person – colouring, making you someone other than you used to be. try as much as you want, you just cannot get yourself back..
words can’t pull me back from the edge – neither can daylight
this isnt something to get over. its an atmosphere i need to learn to breathe – take it into my lungs with every gasp as if im holding […]
http://www.givesmehope.com/
Overdosed on my meds, just got me high as fuck. Â I don’t even remember how many I took there’s only like 3 left in the bottle. Â Still have a migraine 2 days later.
For those of us who lost people to suicide, I made a group on Facebook. You are more than welcomed to join. I try to remember what my cousin was like and what he did while alive. This group has helped me, especially since it is a part of me now.
http://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=675178246&_rdr#!/home.php?sk=group_180906338629104&__user=874090240
This summer my dad was supposed to move out and everything was supposed to be normal. Notice how i keep saying supposed ? yeahh well things change or else thats what my dad did, somehow he changed my moms mind about moving out. so now im still stuck in this hell whole. Im a depress 16 year old trying to manage highschool and my life. My dad said he would change and what do you know hes still an alcoholic who loves his beer or vodka more then his own family. typical? yeah i guess it is but to whoever is reading this, you ever […]
I can get through this, it will get better. I just know it will.
I’ve been praying for death the last few nights. I know it is such a stupid thing to do. Why waste my prayers on such a thing? It is selfish for one thing and it does me no good. I should be praying for a job I can manage or a better relationship with my family.
I worked very hard to put myself in a position to do well even though I’ve always been sad and never had much confidence. I’m at a point right now where I don’t know what I’ll do. I got to the point where I let myself go because I knew […]
I take these pills to make me thin.
I dye my hair, and cut my skin.
I tried everything, to make them see me
but all they see is someone that’s not me.
Even when I’m walking on a wire,
even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?
Everyday I try to look my best
even though inside I’m such a mess.
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?
Here inside, my quiet hell
you cannot hear my cries for help.
I tried everything to make them see me,
but every one sees what I can’t be.
Even when I’m walking on barb […]
I’ve been doing some thinking. I’ve been depressed since I was 14-15ish… That’s when I first started dating… I feel really bleak inside. I invest, the whole of myself into these relationships from the get go, and they never pan out. When we break up, I’m lonely, and feel worse. Recently my ex-girlfriend, the one who mattered most admitted to me she was never happy with me, which tore a large chunk out of me, considering I was at my best with her. I felt something that wasn’t so desolate. But in the end, it was just me… It was a selfish relationship, I’m the […]
Recently, I was drawn to search many times online, and speaking with God as a way to understand myself, and as a way to seek forgiveness and repentance for what I’ve done. I think most of us at any point in life do consider suicide as a way out. It seems straightforward, and quick. It also avoids us to confront our issues, our families, our friends, and many other thoughts that shape our existence.
Days and nights feel long. Darkness surrounds us squashing any sense of hope. I feel that. The worse is the shame, despair and anguish. The uncertainty of what another day brings to […]
My son he was always on the xbox and computer and he tried this new game called minecraft he went online and found this other kid called badflop he was freinds for a while until his freind decided to send hit hate mail and ban him from playing we didnt beleive him so he kept trying to stop it and it didnt work so he went to his freinds house punched them came homa and killed himself……
In loving memory of zachary smith 1999-2011 i love you zachary
I tried cutting but it hurts too much. Even though i know that’s the point. I still can’t do it but i want to. any ideas?
 I was eleven years old when it first occurred to me I could escape my problems by killing myself. The thought gave me immense comfort and a feeling of utter calm.  It still does and I am now in my late thirties. I know eventually I will do it and I have made all the necessary arrangements to avoid inconveniencing anyone. My parents would be devastated by my death, so I will not do it while they are still here. That would be much  too selfish. I have no wish to cause anyone any pain.
 I have no children and my husband and I barely speak. The […]
I think despite the fact that my heart is healing. I am scared to confess what I’ve done to my family, and to look for forgiveness to the people I have hurt. I know it’s was right, and that I should do it regardless of the outcome. I’ve been praying for strength and wisdom almost every day. I hope that people understand. I am not perfect. I am flawed. I was selfish, but I don’t want to be that anymore. I want to live my life toward the good. It is a difficult objective, but I believe there’s enough hate and suffering already. I think […]
My friend committed suicide the other week. I had no clue. About a year before that i had suicidal thoughts but I never acted on them. I just bottled them up. I convinced myself that they weren’t there. But now that she committed suicide. She has rekindled everything. Its all i think about. But im too scared of the unknown. That there wont be anything after I die.
Plus i have two little sisters and I would hate to leave them like that. But i want to. Just to stop all the anxiety and suffering. I can’t tell anyone about these thoughts because they will send […]
Guinevere by Eli Young Band I don’t know why, but I feel like this reminds me of me, anyone else???
This is the beginning of the end as Churchill said. I have done the research and made all the right preparations. I wanted to post something anonimous but it’s hard these days it seems. Anyway I’m calm and ready. I feel only now what to write and how. Be nice if it was memerable but not likely. Never been much of a writter. Odd that at the end I feel no sadness, or fear, just rage at the price of my red wine. Not even that good. I know medical staff don’t understand, oh they have the facts and theories but only a bat knows […]
So… I lost another chance today. I was supposed to turn up at my teachers office at 9 am today. But, i got up late because my phone has no batteries so i couldn’t set the alarm. Still, i could have made it in 37 min, if only i hadn’t been staring into space so much. My teacher wanted me to write one of the essays he’d given us to do the subject before this one… One of them was supposed to be written in school with his supervision, and my remedial on that one was supposed to be today. The other THREE he wants […]