Well… From the outside I have it all together. Good job nice home family n all. But I’m miserable. I don’t have a long list of deep. Traumatic events. I just generally have a disgust for life. I’ve made attempts. Tried a gun chickened out. Strangle by tying a rope tight around my neck. Was discovered. Od on painkillers. Slit my wrist. Went to a psych ward for that. The doc asked if I was serious about suicide. I said if I was serious I wouldn’t slit my wrist I’d cut my hands off. I was released and refered to a counseling service that was no longer open. Now I’ve had a few people along the way that have not been beneficial to me. I’m finding I start to feel homocidal as well. Like if these people make me disgusted with existence then they probably affect others as well. So if I die there still out driving others to suicide. So yeah that’s kinda where I’m at. So hello to eveyone.
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Hello Buttez. Tell me about it. Is it not the worst when you feel as if your reasons for being the way you are do not compare to others? Do you know the root of your misery?
Somtimes its clear. Others its blurry. I work a lot. I’m a very emotion person and can’t express myself at work. So once a month I binge on booze and use music to un bottle and release the pent up frustrations. My wife has a fit. So even more I’m pushed into a suit that doesn’t fit. I have a group of people around me who all percieve me differently. None of wich are real. My own mom thinks I’m over the top with confidence..lol. I cover everything I hide it and I’m damn good. I work a lot and yet I still struggle. I have a child who thinks I’m a king and yet I don’t even know how to be a parent. I’ve been like this for over 12 years and yet I still am here. I’ve moved changed friends work. Quit habits found hobbies. Counseling and rehab. Yet I still find myself lost in a confusing mix
Wow, I have been finding more and more people I can relate to. Especially with deceiving people, having them believe in a person you are really not. I think it may be a trait with people like us to generate a persona and become chameleon like with it. Habits and hobbies, yes I have been there. Moving and changing up friends and social setting, been there. Maybe you need something constant. And If you child believes you are a king, then who are you to argue? Maybe you are the wrong and you mom and kid is correct. Maybe you are disillusioned. Well Butterz I get it. Are you willing to work through this?
I keep fighting. The worst is I’ve failed so many times. My kid is so young I think it’d be better if she just remembered me as a great guy. Once she get older and understands the world she will see what a monster I am.
Why is it when you open up to those closest you. Even after many suicide attempts. You get told your weak. Or a *****. Its like a challenge. Why would somebody who alleges love ever challenge suicide? If I say I want to die I just want attention.. every time I fail I wasn’t serious? Why do people paint illusions for me? Is it so bad to be an emotional person? Why should I feel bad for being me? I don’t understand this world. I really don’t fit here. I’m so sick of this God doesn’t like suicide crap. IF there is a God. And he created all. Then maybe I’m meant for suicide. Maybe that’s my purpose. To help people realize what hateful pigs they are.