This is my story and the only time I will tell it so please listen.  I just wanted people to know that for some like me, it does not get better and that the pain you are feeling is not always temporary and sometimes things can get even worse.
I hanged myself Jan 3, 2010 at 3:33 am, at the exact time I was born. I was being forced out of my job, work cut my pay in half, I had serious debt and my unemployed and chronically depressed girlfriend was living with me in a little apartment in Chicago. I came to my limit and I had enough, so I hanged myself from my canopy bed post, but not before verbally cursing God for my situation and telling Him that if He wants me to live He better perform a miracle to save me. I had the most wonderful and peaceful dream while dying. I slipped away and felt warm, safe and loved until I heard a voice calling me out of the darkness. I followed the voice. It was my girlfriend’s voice and I followed it through the darkness and opened my eyes. She had awakened during the night and came in to check on me for some reason. It’s strange because she was sleeping in the next room and never wakes up at night. She found me “dead”, hanging with bulging eyes, a purple face and blood oozing from the burst capillaries in my eyes, nose and mouth (I have pictures 7 days later for those who are curious).  She cut me down, called 911 and tried to revive me. I was rushed to the ER in an ambulance and spent 1 week in intensive care. Upon arrival the doctors tested my blood and declared I had less than 10 percent blood oxygen level even after breathing with an oxygen mask for almost 20 minutes.  The doctors determined I must have been hanging for 10 to 15 minutes before I was found and cut down. They said it was a “miracle” that I was alive and did not have brain damage. I had my miracle from God. I tested Him and He came through, I thought anyway.
Every nurse and doctor was very nice to me and everyone  said it would be ok.  Since I did not have medical insurance I was told that charities would pay and that somehow they would get the hospital paid. “Don’t worry about it Chris” they all said. “We will get it paid” they said. Yeah, Right! I spent another 2 weeks in the hospital under 24 hour guard.   When I recovered I was locked up in a state run mental health facility as per the law in Illinois. I spent the next 1.5 months a “prisoner” and having drugs forced down my throat. They said my ‘crime’ was particularly heinous because I hanged myself and I was not under the influence of alcohol at the time. It was because I had made a conscious decision to end my life. Meanwhile, I was locked up for so long that work needed a doctors note for me to return so I had my “doctor” send it.  When work saw that the note came from “Chicago Read State Mental Health Facility” I was never trusted again with my high profile,  high paying  career in a five star hotel and was fired in March when I got out. I managed to hold on to my apartment for another year without a job, slowly dwindling my 401k which I had to withdrawal early just to survive, while looking for a new job in this wonderful new economy.  Finally I lost my apartment because my 401k was gone.  Currently I have no home, no job,  very little money AND almost $25,000 more debt than I had before I hanged myself. One year after I applied for the hospital financial aid and “charity” to help pay for my hanging, I have bill collectors sent by the hospital calling every day. After my release the hospital told me I did not qualify for any aid program so they sent the bill collectors after me. They call my cell, they call my family and their harassment is almost too much to bare. I tried to explain to them that I hanged myself because of debt, but they told me to “be a man” and told me “you won’t kill yourself, stand up and pay your debt”. Yeah, that’s it keep pushing me. They won’t believe I have no job and no money I can pay to them. I am currently still looking for a job and sleeping on the cellar floor in the house of a relative but have overstayed my welcome again and will have to move on soon. The last 6 months I have moved 3 times, and have slept on the floor of a few friends homes but nobody trusts me enough to have me stay long. I am “dangerous” now.  I have almost nothing left. Few clothes, a motorcycle which will be useless after first snowfall, so even if I get a job I can’t get to it.  I am on unemployment (what a joke) so I can eat, for now, but that expires at the end of this month so after that I will have to move to a homeless shelter in Philadelphia, the closest city to where I am “living”.  I say “living” because this is NOT life. It is agony and every day I curse God and hope for death. The “miracle” of life God gave me after my hanging is a curse. People please listen, there is NO help. People will tell you there is to “save” you but when it comes down to it, YOU ARE YOUR ONLY HELP. God did not help me, He cursed me, after I cursed Him.  Even though every one told me “things will be OK” they were not. LIERS!!!!!! They just don’t want you to die, but do you know what? It’s OK. Everybody dies sometime. It is selfish for people who have good lives to  say “don’t kill yourself” and then do NOTHING to help you get back on your feet. What is life worth to you? I am worth more dead than alive, I know that now, even though others tried to convince me. What am I hanging on for? Hope itself?  And here I am 2 years later, each day getting WORSE! LIERS! If only I had NOT been saved I would now be at peace. I even lost my faith through this; something I thought I would NEVER do. I used to love God, but not now. Since the day of my “miracle” from God, each and every day has been worse. Let the dead finally be at Peace. This world is just too small for everyone and it’s too small for everyone to be happy. I am leaving soon again, and this time I won’t wake up to another nightmare!
Burst Blood Vessels in My Eyes 2
Serius Rope BurnBurst Blood Vessels in My Eyes 1
14 comments
Chris.
Nothing I can say can take away the atrocities that happened to you.
I am truly sorry you had to go through all that.
Wishing you much success at finding your peace my brother.
Sometimes life just really is not worth it.
And supposed help comes with unbearable costs.
What is left of my compassion goes out to you , Chris.
Wishing you the peace you are looking for.
So life is worse after the suicide attempt. Now, it is truly the bottom of the abyss. This is where others say everything can only get better, and to keep going it’ll be fine.
Frankly, this is where I say: I don’t know if its going to get better, but if you hold on to your faith, pray, and see the lessons that are learned from your actions, and others around you, there might still be a chance to turn this around. I know you said that you want to forget your faith, but I’ll tell you now is the time to bring your faith closer to your heart. It is the time to seek those that can help you. Tell your story, and not to be afraid to ask for help. Yes, there will be rejections, but there could also be people willing to lend a hand with as little as a plate of food a day, or even shelter at a church.
I wish you well, and I hope that you will be ok.
Maybe you have dyslexia?
I looked it up. I think you are correct
In the uk, if a person cannot pay their debts they can declare themselves bankrupt and the slate is cleaned after a few years. Which is probably why the country is in financial ruin and most of the banks are now funded by the taxpayer. The governor of the bank of England Mervyn King was on TV today. He said that the euro zone is on the verge of meltdown which means we are in serious shit. Anyway…. I have forgotten what I was going to say now.
I have never really cared about money, I’ve never cared enough about myself to think money will make a difference. You have to put it down to a loss and forget you ever had the money. The people you worked with were probably jerks anyway so losing your job might provide other opportunities. Lots of famous people have ended up in m
The nut house at some point in their lives and that’s not something to dwell on. In fact it’s actually quite cool these days. Some would argue that Mervyn King belongs in one yet he is in charge of the uk economy.
When Prof Stephen Hawking became ill he lost the ability to speak and move. This did not stop him producing the all time best selling book and working on new theories.
They said Moscow Flyer was too old to win the queen mother champion chase. Did he listen, no! He came back at the age of 11 to become champion again.
The point is, you should never give up. Life would be boring if there were no challenges.
Chris,
I am sorry for your situation. You are very handsome and you look young. How old are you? Do you have any parents you could move in with? I know how you feel about being jobless. It is the most discouraging thing and leaves one feeling hopeless and we need hope. I hope you can find your faith. Please respond and let me know you are okay.
Still here. Taking it one minute at a time. Last night was bad. This will sound stupid but a stuffed toy and a memory stopped me.
What would it take to make your life worth living? If you were able to get a job soon would that help?
Chris, after reading your story I was deeply touched. Everyday I too comtemplate suicide. My problems lie in the region of health rather than finance. If I was an employer, I would employ you in a heartbeat, absolutely no doubt about it. I actually struggle to type what I’m thinking. I posted on here a while back, and was dead-set on suicide. I had prepared notes, for my finances to be donated to charities etc. But I realised that I have a family who care for me, and I know this is cliche but it would be INCREDIBLY selfish to take my own life; atleast not until my family is able to fend for themselves. Reading your story I realise nothing can take away your trauma. This is gonna generate a fair amount of controversy but I do support your decision. May God have mercy on your soul, and may you finally be at peace.
I hope things get better for you. I have my ups and downs. When i think i am better the depression is around the corner. I think of suicide consistently. I hate that others do too. I don’t value life. I like babies and children but will never have any because of my depression. I’ve tried anti-depressants, counselling, changing my attitude but it is still at bay. I think once i get a nice house, car.. Nope that did not work. Plastic surgery? Church helps a tiny bit but then i am off thinking about suicide again. The only time i wanted to live was when i was with my ex but i cannot depend on people to fill my void.
An awfully tragic story, Chris, I hope you’ve found some peace at last.
I just read this post..I hope you are ok Chris..I know we are all going to die one day but that’s why you have to live..there may be a next life..who knows..but ive had a lot happen in my life as well..I live without any money..I have 3 kids. Everyone can blame there stories on the ones that have hurt them but please don’t blame God..don’t curse him. He wants you here..you may not know why..I didn’t know for a long time..I go daily not knowing sometimes but I walk the walk more than talking the talk. Yea..I do talk to but I don’t live for how much money I get or do I live for how much love I get. I have a reason to live for my kids. I know this is about me and life isn’t about me..its about survival..its hard but we have to thank God for the gifts he gives us. If you see the birds get fed by God..he will feed you. If you need assistance with heating, electric or whatever..the government has agencies to help. If they say you make to much..explain to them why you need help. I don’t have Internet..I’m using my parents connection. I didn’t even know what the Internet was until about 2 yrs ago. I was seriously locked up in a house by my ex who never let me go anywhere. Whatever the problem is, there has to be a solution. Ive worked taking care of people all my life..its what I like to do but I have a real hard time taking care of myself. Maybe you can help just by writing on here. If its not what you want to do then find what you enjoy & do it. Its not about the money..its that we all wish you were here..:)
Chris, you are probably gone from this world by now, but you are wrong when you say no one wants to be there for you. At my site, I have posted your story as an inspiration for fiction writers. (Sometimes it takes a strategy to get people to care; I care, so I want to do my part.) I want you to keep an eye on it to see what stories people come up with to honor your story.http://howtowritestories.net/good-story-ideas-2-dead-or-alive-the-man-who-cursed-god
Hi Chris. Your account of your attempt to hang yourself, with the pictures showing the injury to you, is enough to put me off hanging myself forever. (It was never a method that appealed to me much in any case. Seems too painful, long and frightening.) I can only hope it has the same effect on some of the other posters here who are closer to the edge than I am.
Other than that I don’t have much to say except that your story touched and saddened me, like so many of the stories here. But the moral of it would seem to be, if you’re gonna try it, you better be successful, otherwise…don’t go there.
I hope you manage to get rhough these hard times and come out the other side. Zoe x