November 30th, 2011by Chris-SR
This is my story and the only time I will tell it so please listen.Â Â I just wanted people to know that for some like me, it does not get better and thatÂ the pain you are feelingÂ is not always temporary and sometimes things can get even worse.
I hanged myself Jan 3, 2010 at 3:33 am, at the exact time I was born.Â I was being forced out of my job, work cut my pay in half, I had serious debt and my unemployed andÂ chronically depressed girlfriend was living with meÂ in a little apartment in Chicago.Â I came to my limit and I had enough, so IÂ hanged myself from my canopy bed post, but not before verbally cursing God for my situation and telling Him that if He wants me to live He better perform a miracle to save me.Â I had the most wonderful and peaceful dream while dying.Â I slipped away and felt warm, safe and loved until I heard a voice calling me out of the darkness.Â I followed the voice.Â It was my girlfriend’s voice and I followed it through the darkness and opened my eyes.Â She had awakened during the night and came in to check on me for some reason.Â It’s strange because she was sleeping in the next room and neverÂ wakes up at night.Â She found me “dead”, hanging with bulging eyes, a purple face and blood oozing from the burst capillaries in my eyes, nose and mouth (I have picturesÂ 7 days later for thoseÂ who are curious). Â She cut me down,Â called 911 and tried to revive me.Â I wasÂ rushed to the ER in an ambulanceÂ and spent 1 week in intensive care.Â Upon arrival the doctorsÂ tested my bloodÂ and declaredÂ I hadÂ less than 10 percent blood oxygen level even after breathing with an oxygenÂ mask forÂ almost 20 minutes. Â The doctors determined I must have been hanging for 10 to 15 minutes before I was found and cut down.Â They said it was a “miracle” that I was alive and did not have brain damage.Â IÂ had my miracle from God.Â I tested Him andÂ He came through, I thought anyway.
Every nurse and doctor was very nice to me and everyone Â said it would be ok.Â Â Since IÂ did not have medical insurance I was told that charities would pay and that somehow they would getÂ the hospitalÂ paid.Â “Don’t worry about it Chris”Â they all said. “We will get it paid” they said.Â Yeah, Right!Â I spent another 2 weeks in the hospitalÂ under 24 hour guard.Â Â Â When I recoveredÂ I was locked up in a state run mental health facilityÂ asÂ per the law in Illinois.Â I spent the nextÂ 1.5 months a “prisoner” and having drugs forced down my throat.Â They said my ‘crime’ was particularly heinous because I hanged myself and I was not under the influence of alcohol at the time.Â It was because I had made a conscious decision to end my life.Â Meanwhile, I wasÂ locked upÂ for so long that work needed a doctors note for me to return so I had my “doctor” sendÂ it. Â When work saw that the note came from “Chicago Read State Mental Health Facility” I was never trusted again with my high profile, Â high paying Â career in a five star hotel and was fired in March when I got out.Â I managed to hold on to my apartment for another year without a job, slowly dwindling my 401k which I had to withdrawal earlyÂ just to survive, while looking for a new job in this wonderful new economy.Â Â Finally I lost my apartment becauseÂ my 401k was gone.Â Â Currently IÂ have no home,Â no job,Â Â very littleÂ money AND almost $25,000 more debt than I hadÂ before I hanged myself.Â One year after I applied for the hospital financial aid and “charity” to help pay for my hanging, I have bill collectors sent by the hospital calling every day.Â After my release the hospital told me I did not qualify for any aid program so they sent the bill collectorsÂ after me.Â They call my cell, they call my family and their harassment is almost too much to bare.Â I tried to explain to them that IÂ hanged myself because of debt, but they told me to “be a man” and told me “you won’t kill yourself, stand up and pay your debt”. Yeah, that’s it keep pushing me.Â They won’t believe I have no job andÂ no moneyÂ I can pay toÂ them.Â I am currently still looking for a job and sleeping on the cellar floor in the house of a relative but have overstayed my welcome again and will have to move on soon.Â The last 6 months I have moved 3 times,Â and have slept on the floor ofÂ a few friends homes but nobody trusts me enough to have me stay long.Â I am “dangerous” now.Â Â I have almost nothing left.Â Few clothes, a motorcycle which will be useless after first snowfall, so even if I get a job I can’t get to it.Â Â IÂ am onÂ unemployment (what a joke)Â so I can eat, for now, but that expires at the end of this month so after that I will have to move to a homeless shelter in Philadelphia, the closest city to where I am “living”.Â Â I say “living” because this isÂ NOT life.Â It is agony and every day IÂ curse God and hopeÂ for death.Â The “miracle” of lifeÂ God gave me after my hanging is a curse.Â People please listen, there is NO help.Â People will tell you there is to “save” you but when it comes down to it, YOU ARE YOUR ONLY HELP.Â God did not help me, He cursed me, after I cursed Him.Â Â Even though every one told me “things will be OK” they were not.Â LIERS!!!!!!Â They just don’t want you to die, but do you know what?Â It’s OK.Â Everybody dies sometime.Â It is selfish forÂ people whoÂ have good lives to Â say “don’t kill yourself”Â and then do NOTHING to help you get back on your feet.Â What is life worth to you?Â I am worth more dead than alive, I know that now, even though others tried to convince me.Â What am I hanging on for?Â Hope itself? Â And here I am 2 years later, each day getting WORSE!Â LIERS!Â If only I had NOT been saved I would now be at peace.Â I even lost my faith through this; something I thought I would NEVER do.Â I used to love God, but not now.Â Since the day of my “miracle” from God, each and every day has been worse.Â Let the dead finally be at Peace.Â This world is just too small for everyone and it’s too small for everyone to be happy.Â I am leaving soon again, and this time I won’t wake up to another nightmare!