Why am I at this point? I suppose that’s what many of us who get to this point will ask! I know. I have been in hell physically sick, never well, a day here and there, but no meaningful life for 3 years now. That’s enough. I am 33 and have no quality of life, no one who cares about me or stuck by me through my illness. It has grown old to everyone, like Oh…she’s sick again, and now not even my parent’s are here. I lost my husband, my job, my health, my mentality, and close to losing my spirituality as well. I have prayed for healing to no avail, have cussed God, asked for forgiveness, and back. I have suffered more pain in the last 5 years of my life than anyone should have to endure. I would have killed myself 3 years ago had it not been for my son. I have a wonderful 4 year old, and I am nothing but a burden. He deserves better than a single mom who cant even function and stays sick all the time. My immune disorder is causing me to keep infections and stay sick, but it also causes me to have severe allergies to medicines, so Dr’s can’t help. I have seizures also, and have not felt like myself in so long that I can’t remember. I have more reasons than anyone I know to not live. I have only held on this long because I don’t want to leave my son, but I am done. I cannot endure anymore pain. I have been abandoned by my family, was raped, and have a chronic illness that gets worse day to day and no one here to support me. My friends and family all have wondered away because no one wants to take care of the sick girl, no one wants to go in and out of the hospital with me, and I can’t do it alone anymore. I don’t want to live life this way. I do WANT to live, but I can’t live this way I have no peace, ever. I have no support. I have nothing but my failing health and loneliness left here, and I can’t go on. I would like to think that I am a good person, but I have yelled at my son, and I don’t even think I am good for him anymore. I wish there were someone here, and I wish that I were healthy, but I’m all prayed out, and I can’t fake a smile anymore for people. I can’t drag myself in agony one more day. I can’t, not even for him…
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Is there anyway possible you can find one last reason for yourself? I mean I really wish I could saying something magically inspiring right now, but the truth is this is not the movies. With no screen play and no script. There is a point in our so called lives when you just have to hold onto yourself. And keeping hoping, or praying, or whatever it is that gets you by until a ray shines. I am not going to go the religious route because that does not really work for me. I am going to say, just as life hands us all of these bad times, good ones comes as well. Hold on to something until a good time comes along, then hold on to that until things start to get better.
I have been holding onto the ONE good things, my son…..but even his smile is not working anymore. I am so overtaken by BAD things and physical PAIN that I just am tired of being sick. Luckily, I am stubborn, so I am hanging on, and giving it one last chance. I have made a decision to wait and hang on until after Christmas. I want to be with my son and not just take my self out until I spend that with him. I love him SO much, but I don’t think I am good for him anymore. I hate myself, so hanging on for me would never have worked, but I get your meaning, and I more than anyone “deserve” to be HAPPY. I just think it’s unattainable for me. I have written letters to Dr. Phil, the Dr’s, the Mayo clinic, and I am hoping someone responds. I am a broke single mom with bad medical coverage in a crappy state for healthcare, so if there is help and I get helped before the New Year, then that will be my light and I am going to hang onto that possibility for now, if no help before then……I have made a decision to end it then. Say goodbye to my son, and spend one last Christmas……then peace. So, either way…….I will hold on until after Christmas. At least I am strong enough to say that today, but that is my plan, and I hope you are right and there is something that changes before then!!! Thanks for your words of wisdom, and I hope you are well……
Beth