Why can’t i just die…

I have nobody in this messed up world. Every person I turn too just uses me or takes advantage of me. The one person i loved with my everything, my best friend, my whole life, my mother, passed away on me due to her “drug and alchol addiction”. People tell me” Why aren’t you sad why dont you cry? because i hold it all in! How could i love a mother that tried to kill me?? How could she be my number one and then my whole life falls apart when, my OWNNNN MOTHERRRR tried to KILLLLL me.. I blame myself every single day, how could i let her do it? How could i watch her and not stop her from doing it WHILE she was pregnant? I know im only 17 but i feel like i took complete responsibilty for this. Now I cant even see the only thing that she left on this earth for me to have. My poor baby sister, that i havent seen since she was in the hospital dying because the poor baby had drugs and alchol in her system. She only weighed 1.7 pounds and LIVED! My strong, baby sister has lived and was strong like my mom always was. I just wish my mom was stronger to survived for me so I dont have to feel so alone in the world. After all of this, i met the most wonderful boy ever. He was the only one to actually help me, and save me from not doing stupid things like taking a whole bottle of oxycodin to die. He was my everything, he became my new life when my other one left me. But as soon as i stared loving life again, of course he leaves me alone.. Now my life just sucks. I been crying all morning all night last night all night right now till i throw up all over myself. I cut my wrists all night last night, took at least 7 morphines and i just dont die. I wa sused by a boy LIKE ALWAYS  friday night. I dont know why i even bother looking for love when i always get used. I think i have an eating problem too.. I weigh 135 pounds and i feel like the fattest girl ALIVE. I take 6 hydroxy cuts a day and starve myself begging to be thin. Why is god keeping me here? Why cant i just go into the world above that is suppose to be pain free, suffer free.  I have noooooooobody else too tell all this too, so i just want to let it all out. My own brother heard me in the room practicly dying and didnt give a shit. Pleaseee god if you can see me writing this i beg you just take me with you. Take me with my mother, let me be suffer free instead of living in this fucking hell.