Is 2012 the end of MY world?

December 31st, 2011 by Aki

First and foremost, Happy New Year everyone, though it seems that some of you here have had/are having a crappy time.

I’m new here, name’s Aki. I stumbled upon this site a few months/years back, but never registered. Got put off by the seeming anti suicide I was reading on here at that time (I think, I don’t know. I’ve gone through a lot of suicide sites). I’m not known or anything, but I do lurk around other sites, though they’re mostly pro. Anyways.

Here’s a brief summary of my attempted suicide history.

Started thinking about it when I was nine years old, then went through the whole emo phase, which meant lots of cutting and attention whoring. Had my first “attempt” when I was eleven, but I loosely use the word attempt because I was still entertaining the notion that I could die by slitting my wrists. Had several more non risky attempts which involved the classics like scarfing down pills, more wrist cutting, hanging, and drowning. First near fatal attempt was early 2010, when I injected my upper arm with insecticide. Needless to say, friends found me, spent a month in the hospital getting surgeries and being locked up in a “prison”. Spent five carefree months of enjoying life, before I attempted the same method, but this time, I injected the insecticide into my vein. Again, friends found me, spent six months in the hospital getting more surgeries, almost had my arm amputated, and spent $88,000 on hospital bills. Was released on the grounds that I take my meds and go to a “rehab center/community”.  Gave the community a try, couldn’t handle their religious bullshite, and decided to leave the country to a place where no one knew me.

And here I am now, alone in London, just waiting for the right time before I go for my (hopefully final) suicide attempt, this time with atropa belladona seeds. I mean, I went through classics, went through chemicals, why not organic right? LOL.

I’m sure a lot of people will ask for my reasons in wanting to kill myself. I could spout out the regular story about unknown mothers, distant fathers, fake mothers, all kinds of abuse and general depressive crap, but honestly, the real reason is that I’m too lazy to live. I mean, the only thing keeping me going right now is the fact that I still have several games I would like to finish, but that’s it. I’m not saying I have no one to live for because I do, but the fact of the matter is: I’m a selfish person who has chosen to die, instead of living.

I strongly believe in choices. If you ask me why I support suicide, I would reply that everything in life is a choice. Having no choice is a choice in itself. The one thing we had no choice in ever making, was the fact that we were born. Sure, it was miracle that it was YOU that managed to form and live from the conception of your parents. It’s just that in my case, had I been given the choice, I would have stopped my parents from having sex and conceiving ME.

I’m ranting now. Lol. Anyway. I’m not sure if what I have written is allowed. Probably not. I’m not promoting suicide nor will give detailed explanations of methods or what not, because I know this site is geared more towards life than death (apologies if this is not at all the case), but this is my story, one that I am still continually writing for however long I may still live, and thus I’d just like to share that.

Thanks for reading, have a great New Years Day :)

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27 Responses to “Is 2012 the end of MY world?”

Most recent comments shown, ordered chronologically on the page.

  1. When I first read this, my first thought was: I actually somewhat agree with you. It’s wrong for someone to force you against a choice. But I’m just reading your writing and it reminds me so much of my friend’s, and you guys are both great writers. If you can make someone like me (short attention span, haha) read through all of that writing, you have a lot of talent. I don’t know what else to say really. I could give you so many reasons to live, but I’m not sure that you would listen, if you’re anything like my friend (she’s really stubborn and very much alive). So I’m just going to say, please don’t do it. Yeah, I’m ranting now too…

  2. welcome to the site – I’m kinda new here too – thanks for sharing :)

    dawg

  3. Thanks Aki,

    Your 100% right about the choices part – very perceptive may i say.

    Maybe life will and can get better? If you make better, informed choices?

  4. A years back huh, and you’re still around. Interesting.
    I found this site in December 2010, only registered in May 2011.
    Happy New Year Aki.

    “had I been given the choice, I would have stopped my parents from having sex and conceiving ME.” I think the same. If only it could have been possible..

  5. @qrsdawg Thanks! And early!welcome to fellow newb :)

    @adastra Hello, and thanks for the reply :) I’m sure that life will get better with the right choices, that, I believe is a fact. However, it seems like in my case, I’m holding on to something that is of comfort to me: suicide. It’s just that all the choices in my life right now mean that I have to take a risk, a leap into something new and foreign to me. And like most people, I am afraid of the great unknown, thus I stick to the thing/idea that comforts. It’s the age old story of a battered wife staying with her abusive husband out of fear, instead of standing tall, punching the living daylights out of him and running off to be with a hot Nigerian stud (or a Japanese pretty boy, I love them) :P

  6. @Gaara Yeah, still around. Why is it so hard to die without having to resort to “messy” means? I want to die, not leave a giant mess of blood and guts and brain and body stuffing for people to clean.

    I wish I had a TARDIS. *sigh*

    Happy New Year :)

  7. Could you provide a Definition for TARDIS please? my brain isn’t processing the acronym for some reason- thanks

    dawg

  8. I believe a TARDIS is a time machine. Would be cool if it did exist.

  9. Aki, we have a common interest in Japanese pretty boys lol. I don’t think I would mind leaving a mess behind when I do commit suicide. Hmm… it isn’t such a good idea is it.?

  10. Aki & Gara *lol*

    Ok Aki, so what is this new thing u speak off re unchartered waters? Maybe, just maybe we can offer some pertient advice?

  11. typos *urgh*

  12. @qrsdawg LOL sorry! I’m such a nerd sometimes… didn’t even realize I wrote that :P TARDIS stands for Time and Relative Dimension in Space. It’s a time machine in the show Doctor Who.

    @Gaara (Btw, Naruto Gaara? Or another Gaara Gaara? XD) Japanese pretty boys are yummy.

    If I wasn’t so adamant about leaving a mess behind, I would have jumped off a building by now. It’s just that suicide in itself is a selfish act, and while I do stand by the “it won’t matter once I’m dead” belief, I would feel sorry for all those who had to clean up after my mess. Also, I might land on someone on the fall down and kill someone else. Same goes for gunshots, rail jumps, or poisonous gas.

  13. @adastra (Typos should be the ones committing suicide :P)

    Ah, well. These uncharted waters… are not really that uncharted if you know what I mean. It’s more of my insecurities and fear of having a better life. See, I got out of that religious community because I reasoned out with them that perhaps the reason why I kept attempting was because I knew that someone would always come help me in my time of need. I reasoned that I depended too much on others that’s why I grew lax in my own personal development. In their defence, my friends obviously just want to protect me, because, as evidence shows, I have been known to do some really stupid crap (I mean really. I ate rat poison for god’s sakes).

    Anyway, they agreed to let me have my independence. I realized though, that as long as I stayed in a country where I KNEW someone, I wouldn’t really be able to prove or do anything, so I decided to come to London, because I’m half British and hold a passport, so if anything, I have a safeguard to hold on to. But of course, I have to start settling it out first, like getting national insurance numbers and social stuff so I can work, get healthcare, stuff like that.

    Problem is, once I got to London, I decided to splurge and forget about the things I should be doing. Long story short, I’m now almost broke, should be looking for a job, but haven’t left my flat in over three months. I’ve got a (moderately small) case of hikikomori, or basically social withdrawal.

    I’ve just been so insecure with everything, more so than the usual. And yeah. That’s my situation.

    But.

    There’s something very important I left out.

    I knew that this would happen. I mean, I know how I think, so I purposefully made this descent so that I would think that I had no other choice but to die. It’s something that I do, sometimes unconsciously. I said that suicide comforts me right? Well, I basically gear everything I do so that it leads me to it somehow.

  14. @inspira748 Hi, thanks for the reply. You don’t know how honoured I was to read your comment. One of the things that make me really happy is to know that someone appreciates something I created. You’re right about the stubborn part, it’s like everyone else’s words just bounce off my head :P

  15. Yes, it is the Gaara from Naruto. The one and only cool-elite type. I’m glad you noticed.

  16. @Gaara Hard not to notice when awesomeness is his middle name.

    Sabaku no “awesomeness” Gaara. LOL

  17. Lmao. Indeed he is.
    Is it sad that a fictional character is the only “person” I can connect with, and who is probably the only one who’ll ever understand me?? It can get lonesome y’know..

  18. @Gaara I don’t think it’s sad. To be able to connect to anything at all, be it animate or inanimate, is something I consider to be a gift. I mean, I talk to the characters from my video games a lot, and since most of them are silent protagonists, the conversation kinda dies out fast. Lol.

    I think, that to be able to express and feel that someone else out there can understand and relate, is something we all need, and should all find. Even a diary or a fork (whut) would suffice, just as long as we don’t feel so alone.

  19. Thank you. The friends I had never understood me. Unfortunately, they’re all dead now. Btw, you have a good sense of humor.

  20. @Gaara I’m very sorry to hear that, really. I myself have no family and the only people left are my friends. And though I feel they don’t understand me either, the fact that they are still there is a comfort, so really, I’m very deeply sorry.

  21. Maybe I am just stone hearted but there is no need for pity/sympathy (for me anyways). I left out the part that I actually met my “friends” here on this site. They were there one moment then gone the next. Who knows, they could be alive out there somewhere or they’re probably in a vegetative state, and so on.

    Fact is, I am alone. The way it always has been. Gotten quite used to it too, and made me stronger in a way.

    Aki, I am sorry that you have no family. My family/relatives are alive; however I don’t regard them as such.

    Well, it is getting late. I’m off. Take care, and have a Happy New Year :)

  22. @gaara, I propose that you delibrately seek friends on this site because you KNOW they won’t stick around too long (either they suicide, or they get better, and so you no longer have anything in common) because you don’t want to be tied down You’re not looking for long term friendship here.
    @aki welcome, and happy new year. If it’s your last one, make it count.

  23. @Gaara ‘Ey, don’t worry about it. I like being alone too. I don’t really like it when people hover around me because I have to worry about smiling, about the masks I wear. “Am I supposed to be the emo girl in front of this guy or the grinning psychopath who only talks about sex and porn?”

    It’s hard to keep up so many facades in real life, that’s why I prefer to be in solitude where I can think and breath without having to mind what others think about me. I love my friends, I do, but I really can’t be with them for more than 12 hours a day (give or take, I reckon’).

    Unless of course we’re playing video games, in which case, fuck them ‘cuz I am going to tear them muthafuckas down.

    Random note: I haven’t had any sleep yet. Oh well.

  24. @One_day Hi and thanks for the welcome :)

  25. @ one_day; I never sought friendship on this site, they just…happened. One thing led to another (SP turns into a clique’s chatroom then email for more personal/private conversations then exchanging phone numbers/photos then finally; disappearing). It is when you begin to genuinely care about them (maybe even love them) that it can get bothersome because the people/’ghosts’ you meet in cyberspace will just be exactly that: ghosts. Nothing more. Unless you plan to rendezvous and actually meet in real life rather than simply being a name on a website or a number on a phone or a face/person you’re unable to touch due to distance, etc. Point is: you cannot maintain a friendship/relationship for any great length of time through electronic means.
    Or am I wrong…? A different perspective would prove useful.

    @ Aki; Facades and masks can be tiresome which is my main reason why I choose to be honest about my emotions at all times. Most days I have a ‘fuck the world’ mentality. My misanthrope side is resurfacing again after three years of going MIA.. . Honestly, it gives me comfort to be able to reconnect with a past self. And, it’s funny that you should mention the word psychopath. The locals in my hometown have a habit of labeling me as an ‘unstable sociopath’. I’m not entirely sure why they would call me that since they do not know who I am as a person. Again, my fuck-the-world-mentality kicks in. It’s quite liberating.

  26. “had I been given the choice, I would have stopped my parents from having sex and conceiving ME.”

    me too

  27. Aki or Gaara are u still alive?

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