December 31st, 2011by Aki
First and foremost, Happy New Year everyone, though it seems that some of you here have had/are having a crappy time.
I’m new here, name’s Aki. I stumbled upon this site a few months/years back, but never registered. Got put off by the seeming anti suicide I was reading on here at that time (I think, I don’t know. I’ve gone through a lot of suicide sites). I’m not known or anything, but I do lurk around other sites, though they’re mostly pro.Â Anyways.
Here’s a brief summary of my attempted suicide history.
Started thinking about it when I was nine years old, then went through the whole emo phase, which meant lots of cutting and attention whoring. Had my first “attempt” when I was eleven, but I loosely use the word attempt because I was still entertaining the notion that I could die by slitting my wrists. Had several more non risky attempts which involved the classics like scarfing down pills, more wrist cutting, hanging, and drowning. First near fatal attempt was early 2010, when I injected my upper arm with insecticide. Needless to say, friends found me, spent a month in the hospital getting surgeries and being locked up in a “prison”. Spent five carefree months of enjoying life, before I attempted the same method, but this time, I injected the insecticide into my vein. Again, friends found me, spent six months in the hospital getting more surgeries, almost had my arm amputated, and spent $88,000 on hospital bills. Was released on the grounds that I take my meds and go to a “rehab center/community”. Â Gave the community a try, couldn’t handle their religious bullshite, and decided to leave the country to a place where no one knew me.
And here I am now, alone in London, just waiting for the right time before I go for my (hopefully final) suicide attempt, this time with atropa belladona seeds. I mean, I went through classics, went through chemicals, why not organic right? LOL.
I’m sure a lot of people will ask for my reasons in wanting to kill myself. I could spout out the regular story about unknown mothers, distant fathers, fake mothers, all kinds of abuse and general depressive crap, but honestly, the real reason is that I’m too lazy to live. I mean, the only thing keeping me going right now is the fact that I still have several games I would like to finish, but that’s it. I’m not saying I have no one to live for because I do, but the fact of the matter is: I’m a selfish person who has chosen to die, instead of living.
I strongly believe in choices. If you ask me why I support suicide, I would reply that everything in life is a choice. Having no choice is a choice in itself. The one thing we had no choice in ever making, was the fact that we were born. Sure, it was miracle that it was YOU that managed to form and live from the conception of your parents. It’s just that in my case, had I been given the choice, I would have stopped my parents from having sex and conceiving ME.
I’m ranting now. Lol. Anyway. I’m not sure if what I have written is allowed. Probably not. I’m not promoting suicide nor will give detailed explanations of methods or what not, because I know this site is geared more towards life than death (apologies if this is not at all the case), but this is my story, one that I am still continually writing for however long I may still live, and thus I’d just like to share that.
Thanks for reading, have a great New Years Day 🙂