December 31st, 2011 by ridiculous

I lost the most important person to me. my grandma. i handled most of it well. i stayed strong for my family. i kept everyone postive and focused while she was dying. but upon  her death i got stupid drunk and started asking for ridiculous shit from people close to  me dumping even more budens on them. i did this under the guise of anxiety and with the understandng that i wouldnt remember.  i dont think that the shit ive asked from my friends or family was too bad but, it extended to my coworkers.  now, they all know that im a ridiculous drunk. i know logically that all i did is ask for help i know that its probably understandable essentially all i can remember saying is that i needed to keep things light and my mind off of what is happening. but i also admitted that ive had depression and anxiety and alcohol problems to people i have never really been close to. they handled it well and have been very supportive but the whole thing just makes me want to kill myself. i feel like the job that i need i cant go to. im so fucking embarrassed. i even went so far as to say we should go bowling and that i might need an intervention. i dont drink that often anymore but, all my progress seems erased in a single night. i just keep thinking i cant face anybody and how disappointed my grandma must be.

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2 Responses to “lost”

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  1. Hi. I am very sorry to hear that your grandma passed away.

    It may make you feel better if I tell you a little bit about my life over the past two years, dont worry Ill make it short.

    Untill one night two years ago I was the center of social circles and people enjoyed being in my company. But the dark side of it was I had been on Acid, Heroine, Ketamine and all sorts of drugs. After 5 solid drug abusing years with no apparent side affect, everything caught up with me in one night. It was not a slow process, it was instant! Paranoia levels went through the roof to where I couldnt walk out of my house without wanting to cry. I struggled to walk because I was confused how my brain signals were functioning my legs and lost all friends and family because I could not trust anyone. But the main thing is I never gave up!

    There are times now and then when I get completely drunk and blurt out some of my ways to people, but it only forces me to prove to me and them I can move on.

    Its now two years later, I’m at Uni studying Business Finance, gained friends and have a wonderful life in London. Just have to work hard, life isn’t easy.

  2. You can’t blame yourself for what happens under the influence. Clearly, you were not yourself. And sometimes we all have those moments where we want to get away from feeling what we feel at the present moment, especially when we lose someone close. Don’t be embarassed. You can always apologize when you need to – there’s no shame in that. Getting apologized to always makes me like and respect the person a lot more, because it takes guts to do that. You sound like you’re dealing with a lot here, so I won’t attempt to tell you that that’s nothing or no big deal, because it is. But the embarassment will pass and you can go on. I think that if I was a grandma (and I obviously can’t speak for yours since I never knew her), I would understand what you’re dealing with. I don’t think I would be disappointed. I would be worried though, and I’m worried now even though I don’t know you at all. I know you can get through this though. Please trust me in that.

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