January 31st, 2012by JakeWantsToSmile
This is my first posting on here.. Oh wow, I don’t even know where or how to start. Just gonna wing it..
I am 26 years old and living a miserable life inside my miserable home in miserable Phoenix, AZ. Actually I have been very fortunate.. I have a great family and they may be, in part, why I am still here. My parents have given me all the tools I could ever want to succeed in life, but I do nothing except throw them out the window it seems. Anyway, amidst some legal trouble, relationship trouble, unemployment trouble, and really just troubles in life, I have decided I would rather become a ghost and see if anything else is beyond what we call life on earth. I thought I would ingest a handful of pills and drink myself to death.. I started doing research, which is where I discovered the suicide project. I have spent hours upon hours reading stories just like mine. Even though i know nobody here and his is my first blog I feel very comfortable and at home. Anyway, after hours of reading stories of trial and error and researching different methods, I discovered the “helium Hood method”. This seemed to be painless and easy… researching a little more I discovered that replacing helium with nitrogen was the way to go. Can’t go wrong I thought!
So about 3 weeks ago I went to target because I hate wal-mart, and purchased large oven bags, some draw string and duct tape. Following directions I found online, I made my own exit bag to the T. I went to a local welding shop and purchased a large nitrogen tank (5ft tall) and some rubber hose. I’m set!
I woke up next morning, went on a peaceful motorcycle ride to canyon lake, said my good byes and I love you’s.. went home, propped my pillows up, positioned my tank near my bed, grabbed my hood and played down. I did a practice run, positioned the Hood over my head and pulled the drawstring tight.. I was surprised that it didn’t freak me out.. then knock at the door! I can hear my mom calling my name.. shit! She was checking on me, seeing how I’m doing.. I told her I was ok.. she told me to come over for dinner tonight. Mom potentially saved my life.
A few depressing days later, I was ready to try this one more time. Yada yada yada, Im in bed and pull the Hood down and tighten it. I turned on the nitrogen tank and the gas noise coming from tubing to the hood was scary! I sat for a couple seconds panicked and removed the hood. I drank heavily and went to bed.
There it sits in the corner of my room, nitrogen tank and hood, glarring at me. I can’t even do this right. So a couple days ago I grew the balls and thought id try it one more time.. this time I’m expecting the noise, so it shouldn’t be as scary.. piece of cake! Laying down, Hood is on.. to make it easier I had a plan to close my eyes and count each deep breathe from one until I’m asleep.. 1,2,3,…30! Wtf! I feel fine! So I removed the hood and threw it aside yet again. The Hood filled up like a balloon, so I know it didn’t leak… why can’t I do this? I just wanna be a ghost. I have read over and over that I should be unconscious almost instantly…?? Id ask for some advice, but obviously if you have done this successfully then you will not be giving any.. so I just thought id share/vent. I’m frustrated. Please talk to me.. your thoughts?