Confidence found at long last. I am someone of worth

NOTICE: THIS IS 100% TRUE. WHAT IS WRITTEN HERE TODAY IS WRITTEN FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF ME HAVING FINALLY FOUND A HEALTHY MINDSET. ME FINALLY FINDING HAPPINESS WITH MYSELF ONCE AGAIN. ME HAVING PERSUADED MYSELF WHY I MATTER.

For almost the past solid year now, I have been having terrible thoughts, but at the same time I felt comforted by them. I saw no happiness, was suffering because I was violently pushing away any help that was offered to me, and not 3 weeks ago I had lost the will to to pursue happiness. Yes, I was on the verge of suicide. I was teetering on the the edge of the last string holding me up. I had even gone so far as to plan the process out. I had gone even further as to owning the materials needed to act on it. 3 weeks ago, I was saved by someone I was not expecting. Someone that I myself had not seen since high school days- my old mindset and personality. I’m not trying to make that sound dramatic or lame in anyway, but I was consistently told that people missed the old me. I do not know what hardened me that much recently, but I was able to crack through this week at last.

There are many things that caused this mindset to happen. First off, and most likely the biggest reason, my dad left us when I was 13. I grew up in a family of almost all females. That may be why I’m a tad more emotional, a tad more clingy than I should be, but that’s just another great thing I’ve been working on this week! I’m breaking out of my clingy bebavior, and I know it’s showing positive results.  My dad was not present for me during the most important time of my development. Years later, he had blamed ME, ME, for his reason on leaving us for someone else. To this day I still do not understand why he said this, but I know it’s not true. At the time though, I was struck with such guilt. Because he was never present, I never learned how to date. I didn’t know anything on the matter at all. I ended up avoiding people even more since then. And that’s where the timebomb started ticking. I wanted to feel love from someone. And by someone, I mean NOT from relatives or friends. Someone close to my heart in that special way. I was never able to attempt at seeking it. I had developed so much anxiety from these incidents that I physically could not even think about it anymore, so I became even more isolated.

At the age of 19 or 20, I was able to talk to someone I knew from school, and we ended up going out on a date. I was happy….but this little experience was more harm than good. We had been dating for a week or 2 at that point, and it was extremely unhealthy for me emotionally and psychologically. I broke it off before I made a huge mistake, and I’m still glad I did that, else I don’t know if I’d be emotionally intact today from it. All-in-all, this little 1-2 week experience further increased my social anxiety, and I became even more isolated. I was now at the point where I was no longer the old Ryan.

It has been roughly 2 years since this little one week incident, and I had still been feeling the effects. I still sought to be loved, but the trek to achieve it was killing me faster than anything else. I started becoming suicidal, and even started researching about preventing it due to concern. I became, again, even more isolated.

I don’t know what it was that made me do all of this, but this is when the weight-lose started (I have lost 120 lbs in 10 months so far). I finally attended school, got a job, and had been steadily losing weight for the hopes of confidence again. On my third semester at school, I met someone that helped me re-discover my self-worth. To this day, she has been the only person I’ve ever been able to approach in terms of dating without me having anxiety issues, clamminess, shyness, or any negatives. I hadn’t felt that confident with myself for the first time in almost a decade. I eventually fell in love with her, and all of this experience, all of these years of fighting and enduring, almost dying for improvement, is finally emerging into the light. It was all thanks to my desire to be happy. The pursuit of happiness, and to press on through the hardest challenges in life.

She doesn’t know this, but I feel that she’d be more proud of me than anything- I can approach people of both genders now and begin conversations. I still have anxiety, but I developed some techniques to combat it and reassure myself. And this approaching people business….had I not gone to see her that Friday night 3 weeks ago, who knows what would have happened. We had split off and that’s what caused the suicidal planning to take place. We met Friday because I wanted advice for becoming more social…she only wanted to meet to tell me that her feelings were with me the entire time we were seperated (roughly a month). Today, we are doing better than we have ever been, even when we were first dating.

I am proud of myself for defeating the aspect that would have ruined any chance we had- the clinginess. I’m proud I have now overcome life’s toughest challenges. I am proud and confident in my future.

I still have work on the clinginess aspect and some more on the social anxiety, but at last  I found the old Ryan again, and happiness with myself 🙂

I know if I can do it, then you are truly capable of achieving happiness.