I can’t believe my soulmate is gone…

i met my boyfriend  at work in march 2007.  i was heavily attracted to him.  he showed me around the workplace so i spent my whole shift with him.  he bought me lunch, was a complete gentleman and at one point he took me to his locker to give me his jacket.  i felt him lean towards me to kiss me but being an extremely shy person, i thought it was just wishful thinking on my part so i didn’t respond.  i was married at the time with a son and decided to do the right thing of talking about my family to dissuade him from making any more advances.  i avoided him big time after that day and even when he tried contacting me via myspace, i never gave him a hint of what i really felt for him.

two years later on when my marriage was coming to an end, we met up for a drink.  i posted an innocent wanted ad on my facebook for a drinking buddy while my husband was away for 3 weeks.  he responded and i tried to avoid his invite at first but he messaged me privately and used his charm on me big time.  at this point i just couldn’t say no anymore.  i took my friend with me for fear that i would bore him with my company.  through the night he kept sitting next to me and i kept pushing my friend towards him.  we ended up kissing towards the end of the night anyway and we had been inseparable for two years and 5 months since.

within 5 days of seeing each other, he told me he loved me and that he wanted to start a new life with me. he was married at the time but it turned out later on in our relationship that he really wanted to kiss me in that locker room in 2007 and he said that had he known i also fancied him, he wouldnt have married the woman he was with at the time.  i told him i love him too after a week.  we were so in love with each other and couldn’t live without each other hence we left our families to move in together in March 2010.

this was when things started to go up and down constantly at a really fast rate, it was dizzying.  we started arguing on and off.  he would self harm in front of me during arguments, often forcing me to watch and around october 2010, he started hitting and strangling me on top of him self harming.  I fell pregnant in January 2011 and as my pregnancy progressed, so did his verbal and physical violence towards me.  i became jealous and insecure and was constantly scared of losing him.  he couldn’t handle my jealousy and insecurity.  i already had jealousy and insecurity issues at the beginning of our relationship due to past failed relationships and i was only learning to love myself more if not love myself full stop when me and my boyfriend first got together because he made me feel so very special to start with. he was constantly telling everyone who would listen how much he loved me and how special i was.  women were jealous of me.  but as soon as the violence started, i started questioning how someone could profess so much love for me and at the same time call me names and beat me up during arguments.

my boyfriend was jailed for a night in december for assaulting me during an argument.  i had to call the police because he was extremely violent that night. a lot more than the usual.  this strained our relationship a lot more. i became increasingly unhappy and distant and my boyfriend became increasingly worried that he was losing me.  things calmed down in the first two weeks of january 2012.  then on the 16th, in the early hours of that day, just as were lying in bed to sleep, we had an exchange of words over something.  my boyfriend left my side and went on to the sofa. i followed him shortly after to make up with him but we ended up exchanging a few more words. he again got up and went into spare room.  i retreated back to our bedroom.  i tried to sleep but couldn’t so i got up again to try and make up with him. i opened the spare room door and the first thing i saw was my boyfriend hanging.  my soulmate tried to kill himself and eventually died in the hospital after a week.

our divorces were finishing this year.  we were gonna fulfill our dream of getting married.  i just gave birth to our daughter in September 2011.  but my boyfriend decided he didn’t want to carry on anymore.  he used to refer to me as his wife and i referred to him as my husband.  he was and still is the love of my life.  he is my soulmate.  we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together.  he promised me forever and yet he only gave me 2 years and 5 months of his life.  WHY???  i don’t find any reason to carry on… i lived for the happiness he gave me.  despite the many ups and downs in our relationship, he was still the only one who could make me feel complete. he should have just taken me with him.  i am now just trying to put things in place for our daughter and my two other children.  i don’t want to stay alive for much longer.  i want to find my soulmate again.  perhaps, being soulmates, me and my boyfriend are meant to spend our time together in the after life.  i want to see him again, i miss him every waking moment of my life and it’s torture coz i hardly get any sleep these days.