February 29th, 2012 by sidadd

Things were starting to look up, but it’s all coming crashing down. I was getting stronger, not having the violent and/or scary thoughts anymore, my grades were getting better, and I was just starting to go back to my old self. Today I realized that I’m apparently not ok. A girl working in my group on a project we presented today shoved my copy in my face snobbily sarcastically thanking me for my help. I tried to help write it in class, but she took it home and never contacted the rest of us like she was supposed to, so she ended up doing it in study hall. I tried to to tell her I did help but she wouldnt have any of it. I felt myself begining to snap. I’ve never broken down over something so stupid, nor have I broken down in classs…but it must have been building or something because I could feel the frustration at the brim and I was starting to shake and the convulsions were going to start. I coudn’t let anyone see me like that, so I frantically tried to find a distraction to calm myself in some way. So despite my promise to myself not to act on self-harm, I jabbed a mechanical pencil into my arm and dragged it. (Luckily it didn’t pierce the skin.) The shock of pain was enough to change my craziness temporarily. My friend saw me, and looked at me suspiciously so I knew I couldn’t hold it much longer. I asked to go to the bathroom, where I proceeded to have my violent convulsions and shake all the frustration out. There was a red welt on my arm from the pencil, but not open or long enough to provoke suspicion. So, now I’m back to square one with suicidal thoughts. I’m worse in some ways than when I started. I’m actually harming myself now. I need this to stop, and I showed my trustworthy friend, who worries for me but discourages me from telling many others, especially adults. Where do I go before it gets any worse?!

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3 Responses to “Relapse”

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  1. Hey sidadd,
    I hope you’re feeling at least a little bit better. It’s not fun being angry, and sad, and the feelings of helplessness definitely don’t help.
    Please don’t feel bad about what’s happened. We’re human, and as humans our self control tends to be finite. It isn’t your fault that your friend rejected your help, even when you earnestly and kind-heatedly offered your time and effort.
    I guess the final call is your own to decide, whether or not you’ll tell adults. Sometimes it’s good to have someone to talk to you, especially someone who’s older and (presumably, haha) wiser. At the same time, adults sometimes have a tendency to worry way too much over something that seems trivial.

    I hope you’re okay. Take care of the welt–an infection is never fun. Maybe take a little break? Don’t push yourself too hard, and do something you like to relax.

    Stay strong,

  2. Hello Siddad,
    Run…don’t walk…to the nearest adult that you trust…and ask for help…the reason that you have these as you call them convulsions….is that something is wanting to come to the surface…and you are fighting to hold it all in…I don’t want to piss you off…but what you describe is rage…fueled by fear, anxiety, hurt…the unfairness of it all…and what you had was a grand mal temper tantrum…you are frustrated…and what you did…is clearly a cry for help…so listen to yourself asking yourself to get help…and then do it. Don’t let anyone elses fear and experiences guide yours…ie your friend. She has her own motivation for keeping you quiet…trust me…but you need help…your asking for help…but you need real help….this is the point when you determine your future…do you want to feel like this and worse for the rest of your life?….or do you want another chance at a real life?…you decide…call a hotline…but they might be overrun today…it is SIAD afterall…and I’m sure you know what that means…but for those that don’t…today is Self Injury Awareness Day. What a better day could there be …to give yourself the gift of a chance to live…well. You are not crazy…but your thoughts are…that is all…and they are trying to tell you something…driving you nuts….so find someone who speaks the language of emotion…find the original trauma and heal it and live….finally. A young(12) friend of mine told me yesterday that her first option would be her mom…her second option would be a good friend…that didn’t work so well for you…and the third…and the one that she chose…the school counsellor…and she is doing awesome…but she’s pretty smart…she knows you can’t fix something by hiding it…right?

    Blessed Be

  3. I remember the first time I resorted to self harm was in a class room. Sometimes it helps just to talk to someone. If you think your friend is trustworthy, I’d be running to them instead of an adult to deal with the short term issue. Just talking can make a big difference. As for the long term, you need to tell a parent or some other trustworthy family member about these feelings of frustration and work with them to find a method of dealing with the problem. Consider asking to see a therapist if you don’t already, and see how that goes for you. I hope you’re feeling better.

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