Robots Need Love Too

February 29th, 2012 by beaGhost

I’ve had about a week of feeling completely robotic.  I just keep doing things to distract myself from my own head.  It’s seems as though as long as my hands are occupied, my brain is going to stay quiet.  But I have to go to bed eventually, I need to sleep.  I have so much time to myself.  I like being by myself, but the thoughts are hard to control.

I had a bad day a couple days back from this one (worse than the usual bad), and I let loose for the first time in a long time.  I cut 26 times, all in places where people could easily see if I were to adjust my clothing.  I didn’t care at the time, I didn’t care who was going to see and what they were going to think.  I needed to feel something, I needed to do it.  I can hardly begin to explain what it does for me and how addicted I am to it.

And yesterday, I did a whole slew of terrible self-destructive things.  And I would’ve told anybody who asked (I was so beyond the point of caring what happened to me).  I had the house to myself (doesn’t come around very often), and with the recent things that have happened to me in my life, was sort of having a pity-party.  Lots of food and television and crying when something reminded me of how sad it is when people die.  Once I had eaten enough food to support a fully-grown hippopotamus, I forced myself to throw up (wasn’t hard; all I had to do was think about all the stuff going on lately, and everything came right up).  I then felt like a terrible person, so I went and extended all 26 of my cuts from the day before.  It was very painful about 10 minutes later, so I decided to get drunk (doesn’t take much for someone as small as me).  When I was drunk, I could still feel all the pain I’ve been feeling the whole week.  I couldn’t relax myself enough to chill out my brain and rationalize with my demons.  And I felt fully capable of killing myself, because I was drunk.  So, knowing that was a terrible idea, I decided to go get high. That worked for a little while; I could see the humor in the little things that I so often forget.  But as soon as I got home, everything came back to me.  I would’ve pulled the trigger (figuratively; I don’t own a gun) if it weren’t for …

No, nevermind.  I don’t get why I didn’t do it, but I didn’t.  Probably if I have a future, I’ll thank past me for taking a deep breath and stepping away from all things sharp.

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3 Responses to “Robots Need Love Too”

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  1. Hey BeaGhost,
    Yes your future self will thank your past self for saving yourself once again…but it’s going to get harder and harder to explain why you waited so long to start living again? Oh shit…I know this story..remember I am the slowest learner going…I am 50…and although I have been alive for 5 decades…I only started living again in the last decade…and the first and hardest part…was trying not to kick my own ass…when I saw how obvious it was that I was my own worst enemy…so what is the opposite of enemy?…simple…quit abusing yourself…and the only way to do that…is to understand why you do it in the first place….no rush…what if you have 70 more years to live…and you don’t catch on until you’re 50 or 60…you think your life is hard now?…keep going….just wait till you catch up and kick your own ass…bitter that is.

    Wake up…it’s not that scary…really

  2. Okay well yeah it is…but that is what is so funny…when you start doing the work…you’ll have a hard time figuring out what you were so scared about in the first place…the truth…there is nothing to fear…but fear itself. What’s the worst thing that could happen?…you scare yourself to death?…but isn’t that what you are already doing?…you and your little demons(negative self-talk)…they are designed to keep you from looking at what you really are…because then they die…not you…you are perfect…your understanding of your life and its purpose and meaning…not so much…but you are not a human having a spiritual experience like most think…when you wake up…you’re a spirit having a human experience…right now you’re not experiencing…or living…or even dying…just surviving.

    And just because I talk all oogedy boogedy…don’t assume I am a xtian please…not even close.

    Blessed Be

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