shh.

February 29th, 2012 by ivansings

i look like a normal girl. twenty years old, 5’4″, blue eyes, blonde hair, skinny. quiet. smart. funny. i play the piano. sometimes i read keats, and i like dipping vegetables in ranch dressing and my favorite dress is blue and slinky and soft.

but here’s a secret: i’m scared of cameras.

everywhere i go, i know they’re there, recording and tick-ticking. every time i’ve wanted to spend the day naked or steal a book or cheat on an exam, i’ve stopped myself because of the cameras. i feel guilty when i babysit for my friends, because i spend hours sitting on the couch watching TV after the baby goes to sleep, because i know they’ll watch the footage when they come home and think me lazy.

i’m damaged, okay? my mother’s doctrine of parenting was to invade, control, search and destroy and infiltrate my brain and  my notebooks and my bed. i wasn’t safe in my own head. i moved out when i was sixteen, but she can still hear what i’m thinking.

i know this is paranoia. irrational. i’m on drugs to soften the blow.

but they don’t stop the recorders from ticking and beeping and blinking, microphones taking dictation.

who am i afraid of? who is coming to get me?

i don’t know. no one. everyone.

i will be punished.

i should be shot.

i would hate to be captured on film, never able to die.

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4 Responses to “shh.”

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  1. I can relate to the paranoia, but the fear of cameras is most unusual. I’m going to ask you a simple question (take note that it isn’t meant to be offensive). Are you so insecure that you’re scared of how other people perceive you?

  2. Its ok, no one will hurt you. No one will judge you. What you do is private, and no one will judge you. Don’t be afraid to live your life <3

  3. Hi, I’m a 29 male. You sound interesting. Can we date?

    I’m not a doctor but it sounds like you are describing a kind of schizophrenia.

    “A long-term mental disorder of a type involving a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behavior, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation”

    You obviously have a phobia with devices that ‘record’ you. It doesn’t sound like a case of being camera shy since you sound like you are self-confident about your looks. Also, at the end your post kind of fragments into stuff that doesn’t make logical sense and that you don’t even try to connect to any logical meaning.

    “who am i afraid of? who is coming to get me?” – you have this feeling of dread like someone is watching you or coming to get you…but you clearly have no idea who or why. As far as I can tell from your post, I’m not sure if you can say this is because your mom was so invasive. But actually it might be…maybe you’re still traumatized that your mom would show up at any time going through your things. Maybe subconsciously now you think that it is NORMAL for someone to go through all your shit and invade all your privacies, etc.

    then you say, “i don’t know. no one. everyone.” –the last word worries me. Everyone is coming to get you? That would take a lot of coordination and effort and the world is way too screwed up and lazy for that. But the fact remains that if EVERYONE was actually after you, that would be a SERIOUS threat/concern, so I mean IF that were true, then you have every right to be as concerned as you are. That’s not the problem–the problem is that you think this is a real threat in the first place. Or at least, your mind believes it.

    “i will be punished.” out of your entire post this is the one thing that really stands out as not fitting in. Not only does this not connect with anything else (you said your mom was abusive, and that someone/everyone (thought you didnt know who) was after you)…and yet suddenly you think that you will be punished?

    Not hurt, not attacked not killed…but punished. As in you did something wrong that would result in that punishment. So the question is, what did you do wrong?

    “i should be shot.” sounds like it follows from the previous line. I don’t know why shot specifically but I don’t think it has any specific relevance. (i should be shot is a common phrase).

    “i would hate to be captured on film, never able to die.” –that’s interesting too. In your mind do you actually imagine yourself being trapped in the film and then from that comes a huge sense of fear? That part is irrational and illogical…

    Obviously if it WERE possible then it’s a valid concern but the fact that it ISNT possible and you can’t make that connection so quiet your mind…that is what would worry me if I were you.

    Anyway, I still think you’re fantastic.

  4. If you can’t beat em, join em. I’m sure you’ve heard that. Itll prob
    ally be easier to be okay with the fact that your being watched than to get over it. so smile at the camera..give em a show a good one. Kill em with kindness. Cuz when you are gone..your final exit will be your final exit..those will just be memories of you.

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