its come to this…

So I’ve never actually thought Fuck it Im going to reach out and talk about this because its just not a normal thing to do…then again nothing ever feels normal in my world and when I do express normal behaviour I feel its so put on and faked to everyone around me that they can see right through me and thus treat me different from each other. For years I’ve always kind of known I had serious pshycological issues and suicidal thoughts caused by a horrible upbringing and attempted to take my own life before I went to university. I failed….didn’t know how to o/d on paracetamol in my drunken state right. I’m not a violent person or crazy but people have treated me different ever since even my closest friends and family and therefore I am now a joke of a man with no self esteem or confidence regardless of being good looking intelligent and charming on a one to one basis with people. I’ve started a sales job with a marketing company and I’m flying and making heads turn in the office exceeding targets within my first week and due a promotion to leadership but I know myself what I’ve always known…that I will always be deep down a nervous depressed and emotionally bi- polar man unable to take control of the thoughts and feelings going on in his head that are created by those around him. I’m a very social yet at the same time sociable person. the way I convey myself to others always feels like I’m being untrue to my own real thoughts and feelings and keep them all so locked up tight they may never come out. I want to take my own life with a suicide pill but don’t know how to find one. I would be happy to do it with someone as well I live in belfast, northern Ireland…