No reason really…
March 2nd, 2012 by emotionlessandlostToday and last night I’ve been really depressed. And angry. It may have started yesterday on the bus but I’m not entirely sure. And there isn’t a good reason for me to feel like this. All that happened on the bus is that the driver started driving before I was at my seat and I almost smashed into the emergency exit door at the very back. Well. I guess that’s a bit of a reason to be angry. But I didn’t really get this feeling of anger till this morning. I didn’t get hurt either cuz I stopped myself- barely. Maybe I’m depressed because of the thoughts and inadvertently came to mind afterwards? I don’t really know why but I started thinking(once again) that maybe I deserved it and should have smashed into the back, or that maybe nobody would care even if I did. The usual thoughts that come when you don’t want them to, that drag you down into the pits of depression. All because of just one little thing. It’s been a while since I’ve actually been depressed, maybe a few months. But now I am, and I keep wanting to cut or kill myself. I know I shouldn’t and I know that I don’t get anything from it, but I still want to do it. Whenever I feel like this I just want to hide or disappear. Sometimes I do, but I can’t right now, cuz I’m at school. The anger has no reason at all though. Or maybe it does. Last night I had a dream where I was fighting with my dad again, and it was really physical. But no matter how hard I hit, kicked, or threw things at him, it had no effect. It was like he was completely mad and insane that he couldn’t feel it and therefore wasn’t affected. But I tried as hard as I could to make him go away, just leave the house forever and die. I woke up from that realizing how weak I am, and got angry because of that. But it also seems like I can’t get any stronger either, because I don’t believe I can, and I lose any hope of getting away from certain things. Maybe part of that is why I hate myself. Because I give up. Easily. I almost punched my friend in the head today. Just because I want to prove to somebody that I’m NOT weak. God I just feel so pathetic. I wanna cry because of that, which is stupid. hahaha I don’t make any sense do I? I wanna cry because I’m pathetic and weak, and yet I’m too tough to cry. hahaha. too strong to give in to my patheticness. what a stupid joke. I wanted to kill something today to. Just a small animal, nothing much. Maybe I should just hit somebody and get it over with? End this damned life with a bang. lol
Processing your request, Please wait....
I know what I have to say might not mean much to you, but I understand completely how you feel. That’s how depression is though..you don’t understand why or how you have it, but it’s there. >_< You know what I've realized that helps a lot? If you cry. If you just let all of your frustrations out and have a good, long, cry. It's not pathetic at all. Sometimes you cry because you've been strong for too long. (hurhurhur lame, I know.)
lol you’re right it is kinda lame. but I get what you mean and it makes sense. The problem is that I don’t know how to let myself cry anymore.