Today and last night I’ve been really depressed. And angry. It may have started yesterday on the bus but I’m not entirely sure. And there isn’t a good reason for me to feel like this. All that happened on the bus is that the driver started driving before I was at my seat and I almost smashed into the emergency exit door at the very back. Well. I guess that’s a bit of a reason to be angry. But I didn’t really get this feeling of anger till this morning. I didn’t get hurt either cuz I stopped myself- barely. Maybe I’m depressed because of the thoughts and inadvertently came to mind afterwards? I don’t really know why but I started thinking(once again) that maybe I deserved it and should have smashed into the back, or that maybe nobody would care even if I did. The usual thoughts that come when you don’t want them to, that drag you down into the pits of depression. All because of just one little thing. It’s been a while since I’ve actually been depressed, maybe a few months. But now I am, and I keep wanting to cut or kill myself. I know I shouldn’t and I know that I don’t get anything from it, but I still want to do it. Whenever I feel like this I just want to hide or disappear. Sometimes I do, but I can’t right now, cuz I’m at school. The anger has no reason at all though. Or maybe it does. Last night I had a dream where I was fighting with my dad again, and it was really physical. But no matter how hard I hit, kicked, or threw things at him, it had no effect. It was like he was completely mad and insane that he couldn’t feel it and therefore wasn’t affected. But I tried as hard as I could to make him go away, just leave the house forever and die. I woke up from that realizing how weak I am, and got angry because of that. But it also seems like I can’t get any stronger either, because I don’t believe I can, and I lose any hope of getting away from certain things. Maybe part of that is why I hate myself. Because I give up. Easily. I almost punched my friend in the head today. Just because I want to prove to somebody that I’m NOT weak. God I just feel so pathetic. I wanna cry because of that, which is stupid. hahaha I don’t make any sense do I? I wanna cry because I’m pathetic and weak, and yet I’m too tough to cry. hahaha. too strong to give in to my patheticness. what a stupid joke. I wanted to kill something today to. Just a small animal, nothing much. Maybe I should just hit somebody and get it over with? End this damned life with a bang. lol
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