Im a idiot because i actually thought that my life was about to get better, when it was really about to get a hell of allot worse. Im done
March 2012
I was tricked into moving here. My ex wife said she wanted to move back to PR to be closer to her family. So we (she, my son and I) moved to PR and starte our life here. A year later I was replaced by the guy she had been cheating on me with. A month after she told me to leave, he was living in my house, sleeping in my bed, screwing my ex nd playing with my son. I have no family or friends here and the locals don’t seem too accepting of a gringo cabron. I […]
I work for the federal government, and I am able to do my job just fine. I function at work. I am completely dysfunctional in the rest of my life, but I can do my job.
So this week I had to fill out a “credentialing renewal form” or something like that. One of the questions was if I had been hospitalized in the past 5 years and why. Why the hell does it matter that I was hospitalized for being suicidal? And how is that going to make me a threat to national security? As long […]
There is this guy named brendan that I have liked fir over 3 1/2 months. We were never dating but I assumed that he was intrestesed in me for several reasons. Its been a while and we don’t get to see each other often so I’m always becoming worried that we will never be together. People always tell me that we’d look cute together and he’s always nice and makes me smile, but i m getting the feeling that his intrest for me is going nowhere. I have been on an off with him but it hit me an hour ago that we probably were […]
To start I have been watching this site for a year. I have witnessed sorrow, pain, emptiness, death, and living the life of death. I have also watched a few people climb from the edge and feel wonderful.
I am so sorry to tell you this but that lasting happiness is a lie. Someday everything you built will come crashing down. Your spouse will leave you sure to your mental wearing them down. Those people who can see the worlds splendor will never truly understand us.
I have a good job, a sweet step-daughter, a beautiful wife, and the cutest dog in the world.
I […]
For making me feel like absolute crap even more then I already do. Thank you thank you thank you. Yes I know I’m stupid. YES I know I’m not trying hard enough. And YES the only thing keeping me alive rite now is knowing it Can be all over soon
Sinking into this ravaging ocean
Completely enveloped by her tormenting sea
Unable to move in the stillness of blazing agony
She consigns herself to this infinite cycle of degradation
Knowing it to be more than she deserves
Barely coherent through the glass of cruel knowledge
She perpetually attempts a doomed reconciliation
To the life long lost in the mythical truth
Fate sealed in this loop of unending destruction
She wishes for a merciful release
Losing her consciousness
Dissolving in the mind
Escaping knowledge
Through the heavenly gates of insanity
Phantoms of her forgotten memories
Prance in a choreographed massacre of inspiration
As she transforms the water to a […]
Today I was going to do it. I was really going to just die. I had it all planned. I’d take some painkillers, benedryl, sleeping pills, whatever I could find and go to sleep and never wake up. I’d listen to the song Asleep by the Smiths, and then it’d all be over. I wouldn’t have to worry about not being able to work, because of how depressed I am, or about the slowly mountain of debt that I’ve built up. I wouldn’t have to worry about being 29 and still living at home, and most of all I wouldn’t have to worry about being […]
I’m almost two months pregnant and my baby daddy wants nothing to do with me. I’ve gotten counseling and some kind of support. Yet I feel all lonely and angry at myself for letting this happen to me so I tend to cut myself a lot. It’s getting bad. I need help before I get even more stressed out and something happens to the baby. I feel like being fourteen and gong through this is so hard!
I have attempted suicide a few times without success. I have suffered from menatl health problems for years an now been told i have a borderline personality disorder I feel more scared of living than dying I have researched on what the best an most painless way of dying an the helium seems a great choice so am in the process of purchasing all the equipment i need so i can die painless.
Im sitting in my apartment listening to the verve and thinking about how lucky i am. I swear i dont im gona stop smiling for a week.
Im happier than usual because i met someone amazing. She is so perfect its crazy. I seriously never thought i would ever meet anyone i could like every again. But this girl has been relentless, i met her in the library and she has been coming up and talking to me for a few weeks now, i have been politely brushing off her advances until now. Last Saturday i was sick of making excuses, i just said look i […]
This is not meant as a dramatic post. I just needed to talk to people who understood the kind of pain and depression that can lead to ending one’s own life. For those of you who aren’t sure, take a look deep inside of yourself as well as around you. Suicide is, of course, murder – but it is a strange kind of murder in which the murderer punishes himself/herself simultaneous with committing the crime. The two most important things to ask yourself are: (1) is there another answer? and (2) how many will I hurt by doing this?
I am NOT advocating against suicide – […]
Love this song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2geaK31-NY
It’s like life. The imperfections are what give it meaning.
The ‘off key’ note shows how there is a flaw, but it can still be perfect.
Maybe in heaven, there will be understanding.
Understanding of the motives of each and everyone.
Understanding why they feel the way they feel.
Maybe it will be more than understanding, maybe you will get a first person glimpse of what it is like to be someone else.
Connecting of each other to form a peaceful, heavenly bond.
Madness, disappointment, RAGE, hatred, disgust, FEAR, sadness, grief, humiliation, shyness, cowardliness, regret, sorrow, loneliness, Physical pain, emotional pain, stress, turmoil, suffering, HOPELESSNESS, nonsense, will be overcame.
Maybe in heaven, things will all make sense. It will all PUZZLE together.
Why there is pain.
Pain adds character. Pain breeds experience, wisdom, knowledge, meaning, bravery and resilience.
Pain makes […]
Earlier I tried to hang myself. To be honest it was partly experimental but now I’m surrounded by my family and won’t get another chance to try again ( hopefully for the final time) until tomorrow. What the hell can I do in the mean time!!!??!!?!??!?
On March 12, 2006, I faced a difficult decision; whether or not to commit suicide.
For some reason, when I hear others share this about themselves, I sometimes think they’re just seeking attention. I know it’s crazy, especially since I’ve been there myself.
For me, the process was a slow fade. After years of struggling with alcoholism, a failed marriage, lost job, flunking out of college, and just a severe dislike with life in general; I had reached my bottom. I had resigned to the idea, many years earlier, that life was just something to endure, and that I would never know how to be […]
Something stands behind you
Blood comes dripping down
Blessings of the hatred
Falling to the ground
Looking for the demon
Chasing you it lurks
Bathing in the nonsenseÂ
It says it doesn’t hurt
Paths that lead to nowhere
Leave no tracks behind
Darkness folds beyond you
you struggle to survive
In the darkness binds you
A great and savage fear
No one else shall find you
As long as it is here
You grasp for you’re own sanity
In which you only see behind
A shadow of you’re enemy
A shape in which you recognize
It follows tracks endlessly
never tired from the chase
No matter what it keeps it’s […]
You come from a family that throws the word love around like it is going out of style. Hugs and kisses aplenty. Very stable as far as emotional content. Ah but there is not always food. You have to attend school in rags. Your friends enjoy their toys and games but you have little or none. Not because they lack, but to teach you independence. To teach you discipline. To teach you responsibility.
Oh and when you are attacked an abused on multiple occasions over several years, you are told to suck it up and man up about it. Because you are a boy and not […]
I wear upon myself a suite
A cloak, disguise to hide the truth
where fragile broken pieces lay
Of which I find myself today
I lay inside a maze of lies
in which I’ve told to keep disguised
the truth that hides behind the man
is not who they all think I am
the maze I’ve built in self defence
has now become a life sentence
its filled with demons kept inside
of all the things that I despise
there is no way to hear my plea
in which I wish to be set free
instead I get, eternity
With the troubles that I hide
My […]