rambling on about all things related to suicide

I was cleaning out mygarage today and I found my gneuss, I found my bottles of vodka, older antifreeze that is possible to digest, and I can still smell exhaust in there… I parked my gmc van in the garage closed the door of course and fired it up… This was the windiest night I could ever remember… I was drunk of course, and I fired up an extendo blunt of kush (2 blunts put together)… This van had a blown manifold intake gasket, so it had alot of thick white exhaust… I started to get lightheaded, and felt a CRAZY headache coming on, I though alright maybe I will pass out soon seeing as how this is supposed to be a peaceful death method… Than I began to vomit uncontrollably, I said fuck this Im just going to have to jump off the dang bridge (I feared this option becuz my may not be found)… So I turned off the van and went to leave the garage, and I was locked in!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG I thought I wanted to die until that fear of death kicked in… So many thoughts and visuals crossed my mind so fast… My gf is home 99% of the time, but this one night she went to a bachelorette party, I had no choice but to text her my situation. I think she didnt understand the seriousness so I knew I had minutes to spare and had to do something. I remember hopping in the van starting it up and went full throttle in reverse, broke the door just enough to  get out and breathe some life into me… I called 911 and tossed my keys as far as I could (to avoid a DWI) , and I woke up 2 days later… So in saying all this, my only regret is that I chose such a poor method. Now Im like on suicide watch everyday from every1. I dont blame them I would be concerned too. I dont own a gun, wrist slicing is painful, painpills never work, bridge jumping is risky cuz loved ones may never see your body again, exit bags are nearly impossible to achieve in the usa with the helium restrictions. Maybe Im just meant to live lol, but I dont feel that way. Bipolar is so real that I wish it were fake. My latest plan is derived from a girl in taiwan. Unplug fire detectors, put wet towels under each doorway, and light up a charcoal grill in the bathroom. I will definitely be taking alot of sleeping pills. My hope is that most of that vomiting came from that dirty exhaust and not the carbon monoxide. Yah sorry this is so scattered and like jumping between topics, but that is kind of what bipolar is. Who knows who you are.