What happened on the night of march 23rd?

March 31st, 2012 by mark800101

i did not die, which I assume a few of you thought since I never ended up getting back on this site until now.  I was deceived and betrayed.

To make a long story short, I called jackie’s house, she told me she wanted to be best friends with me and that she truly cared about me.  My parents and jackie’s parents both told me that nothing bad was going to happen, that everything was going to get fixed, that me and jackie would get to be friends again.  They said the police would not be waiting for me, that I was not going to be institutionalized, nothing at all.

I felt this amazing surge of happiness, one that I hadn’t felt in an EXTREMELY long time, come over me after I heard jackie tell me that she cared deeply for me and that she wanted to be best friends with me again.  So I get home at about noon March 24th, saturday.  Me, Jackie, my parents, and jackie’s parents had agreed to have a video chat, and discuss this “friendship” thing.  So I have three chairs pulled up in front of my mom’s laptop, and i’m waiting on skype, while my parents get all cleaned up and stuff to look good/decent on the webcam.  But my dad starts saying that he feels really sick, so he goes downstairs and goes into the bathroom.  I didn’t think too much of it, other than i felt bad.  So I’m waiting, and waiting, and I decide to call jackie’s house again to see what’s taking so long.  So they answer, and ask to speak to my parents, and I give my mom the phone and she hangs up like a minute later and says that they will be signing on in like 30 minutes.  So me, a little annoyed that I have to wait even longer, I thought i may as well go lie down in my bed for a second and mess around on my phone.  After five minutes of that, I hear a knock on the door.  A thought raced through my mind, maybe it was the police, I hoped I was wrong.  But I was right.  Two police officers slowly entered my room and asked me to follow them, so I did.  They lead me outside, patted me down for weapons, and started asking me questions.  I told them I didn’t want to speak with them.  The officer respected my right to not speak with him and remained silent from that point on.  Anyways, I was brought to a hospital by an Acadian ambulance and was issued a PEC (physicians emergency commitment) of 72 hours.  Back at the same old place i was at last year, except last year i stayed there for 1 week and was then transferred to a state hospital for 2 weeks.   I felt betrayed by everyone.  By my parents, by jackie, by jackie’s parents, they were all insistent that everything was going to get fixed.  They all promised things to me, that all turned out to be lies.  I partially lied, partially told the truth to get out of there.  I showed no signs of depression.  They diagnosed me with mood instability, suicidal ideation, and possible anxiety.  The doctor prescribed me Prozac, which I have been taking since Tuesday.  I can’t tell what effect it’s had on me.  I have not been happier, or in a better mood.  Things feel the same if not worse, after having been betrayed on last saturday.

I intend to kill myself, but this time there is no “last chance” like I believed there was on march 23rd.  That’s already been used up.  I realize that there is no conceivable way that me and jackie will ever be able to be friends.  I will never be able to hear her speak again.  And one of the things that hurts the most, is that I will never be able to see her in person.  I won’t contact anybody.  One night, i’ll just leave, and do it.

 

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16 Responses to “What happened on the night of march 23rd?”

Most recent comments shown, ordered chronologically on the page.

  1. Glad to finally get an update from you. Many people were wondering what happened.

    I’ve never seen a post on this website get over 200 comments like yours did that night. Don’t you realize other people do care about you? Forget about Jackie. I’m sorry they tricked you like that but obviously they were trying to get you to stay safe at home until they could get the ambulance to come take you.

    Speaking of betrayal, an awful lot of us have spent time talking to you trying to get you to move on from this girl. I myself have commented on most of your posts since the first one you ever made here, trying to relay my own tales of heartbreak and trying to get you to realize that there will always be someone else you’ll meet some day, regardless of how hopeless you feel right now. So if you don’t like the feeling of betrayal, imagine how those of us feel who have tried to be there for you. Look at it this way, you lost one online/phone/Skype friend (Jackie), and in the process you gained all these people on this website who care about you and were worried that last night you posted. No the people on this website might not be close friends who you can talk to every day on the phone like you did with Jackie, but still there has been an outpouring of emotion from people who sympathize with you and want you to get better. So you feel betrayed by a couple people in your life (who in reality actually did something very caring by trying to get you help), but if you give up and try killing yourself again you’re betraying all the other people who care about you. Again I’ve never seen anything like what I saw on this website that night, 225+ comments of people concerned about you.

    I’m telling you man I’m gonna be upset and I’m going to feel betrayed if you end up doing something, because I’ve been trying to let you know that it will be okay. Believe it or not I have been in your shoes before. I have lost girlfriends and I’ve told my family I want to die and I feel like the sun isn’t even going to rise in the morning, but I kept going, and some day I met someone else, or even if I didn’t eventually it just stopped hurting and I got back to somewhat of a normal life.

    Hell it’s ironic but even right now I was having a bad night and I just got home with a bag full of fast food to try to cheer myself up, and I’m letting it all get cold right now because I was happy to finally see a new post from you and I’m sitting here typing to you instead of eating.

    I told you before, this situation isn’t that hard to understand, you and Jackie were close, but then she got a real life boyfriend who actually lived near her and she could see in person, and you tried to be controlling and tell her to focus on you instead, it was a recipe for disaster. If you just keep going you will meet someone else, I promise you will.

    I don’t wanna be hard on you but I think you need the reality check that more than anyone else, YOU’RE being the selfish one right now. So many people care about you and you’re letting Jackie ruin everything. She must be made of friggin gold if she is worth all of this trouble, which she isn’t. All you need to do is give yourself enough time to realize out of the billions of people on this planet, there are definitely other people who you can grow close to, who will talk to you on the phone, who will Skype with you, girls who will date you, your judgment is just distorted because so far Jackie was the only one who gave you all that.

    And as I’ve told you before, there are people who lose girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives, after really long, meaningful, intimate relationships, and they find the strength to keep going. People get cheated on, THAT’S real betrayal, imagine how that feels. You’re ready to end your life over some silly girl who stopped talking to you on Skype.

    I hope you’ll man up and keep on fighting. Life sucks, I’m missing my ex tonight too, but I’m gonna watch a movie and eat my dinner.

    You’ve realized how crappy betrayal can feel. Don’t betray all the people who sat on this website that night and tried to calm you down and make sure you were safe, don’t betray your family and those who care about you. If people didn’t care about you and just wanted to hurt you, none of them would have participated in this little trap they set for you, they wouldn’t care if you had never come home, they’d let the police find you dead somewhere. They all wanted you to get help and feel better. Even Jackie participated in trying to get this all smoothed out. She wants you to move on and feel better and stop doing this to yourself and to her.

    I hope you won’t betray us.

  2. I never counted the comments. Nor did I realize that my post was attracting a lot of attention. I mean, I did think it was more than my other posts. But as far as in comparison to other posts, I wouldn’t know because I’ve only been on this site for 2-3 weeks.

    Why do people on this site care about me? (Genuine question)

    I feel overwhelmed whenever I think about jackie. I miss her deeply. I feel sad because she’s removed herself from my life completely. She’s cut off all contact. I feel like I can’t breath without her. I panic when I think about her hooking up with her boyfriend. I panic when I remember that she promised me we would meet one day soon. I panic when I remember everything that me and her used to have, and realize that it’s all gone now. So many things concerning her cause me to panic and feel like I can’t breath.

    These thoughts, and the emotions that are accompanied with them, are what overwhelm me.

  3. Mark think about it. Jackie, her parents, and your parents all planned together to trap you so that the police could catch you. This tells me that Jackie really was that frightened of you. If you can’t see that, there is something seriously wrong with your logic. Please get help. See a psychologist.
    Personally I will be honest. I don’t really care about you. Nothing personal it’s just I don’t know you. The reason why I have dedicated so much time to you is because, as I have told you before, I am very worried for jackies sake. I am worried that you persist in harassing her and blaming her for walking away from you. You gotta respect other peoples decisions here.

  4. @oneday
    You know jackie even less than you know me, yet you care more for her. You seem to imply that I pose some threat to her.

  5. Mark I have done more than imply. I have said it point blank, several times. The biggest threat is that you don’t see the damage you are doing to her, you don’t see the trauma you are putting her through. She has called the police twice. I am not the only one who thinks you are a threat. Seriously, get help dude.

  6. @oneday

    But I’m not a threat. I’m no danger to her. You may think I am, you may even label me certain things in your head such as creeper, stalker, obsessive freak, or even psychopath, but I am none of those.

  7. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own pain that we fail to see how our actions effect other people. That is why it’s a good idea to see a proffessional who can give us an objective eye. Yr obviously not happy so it’s a good idea to see a shrink anyway.

  8. Hi Mark

    I haven’t commented on any of your posts yet, but I’ve read them now. I hope you don’t mind hearing my opinion. :)

    It doesn’t sound at all like you pose a threat to her. Remember she hasn’t met you though. You might feel really close to her and attached to her, but you don’t know what it’s like on her side. I think it’s quite cruel the way she abandoned you. I believe that anyone who cared for someone else would not bring the police into it, at least not straight away without any warning. I think everyone lying to you is even worse. I don’t know why they’d think it would help you or anyone else involved. It’s just cruel. But she might be starting to get frightened now you’re continuing to try to keep contact with her. I think so many people care about keeping you alive because they think you can make it through. The medication might start to help in a few weeks. I’ve made attachments like that on the internet, and I realise how much pain everything that happened must have put you through, but if you can just try not to contact her for the moment, it might hurt less and become easier over time.

  9. I don’t know anything about you because I’ve just read this but it is freaking hard to stop thinking about someone. However you can’t force someone to care because eventually they’ll leave and what is the point of forcing them to stay if it’s only delaying the inevitable? If you move on, you’ll find yourself somewhere and who knows? Maybe then it’ll be a good time for your paths to cross again or maybe you’ll realize it is better without her. I don’t know because I can’t stop thinking about someone either but I have had to accept that he chose to leave and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I know realistically it was bound to happens eventually so I guess it’s easier now than later when I became even more dependent on him being in my life. I guess. At least that’s how I get through each day. Don’t kill yourself-it won’t make anyone happy and if you’re letting someone else dictate your existence they don’t deserve you. Because if someone means that much to you and can’t reciprocate, why waste all your energy on her?

  10. @oneday
    Seeking help only gets me locked in a psychiatric wing of a hospital, only to be later transferred to a state hospital. The “system” has failed. Getting help only means trading in your freedom so that you can be kept alive only for the sake of being kept alive. Fun, entertainment, happiness, those don’t seem to matter in the hospital. We get three meals a day, a tv, a dozen broken board games, group therapy sessions, and sleep until the doctor lets you leave.

  11. Boy, you sure hold on tightly. Maybe you ought to confront/accept reality here. Shit happens. Friendships deteriorate and are lost; It does not mean that it’s limited to one person. There can be others to form new bonds with.

  12. U got put into a hospital last time because Jackie and her parents were scared. That was to protect them, not you. I am telling you to see a psych, not check yrself into hospital. I agree, hospital did not help u. It was only to protect Jackie. Everyone needs an outsiders perpective every now and then. You are no different. You can get help.

  13. @oneday
    It wasn’t to protect jackie. jackie’s parents, and my parents, both told me that it was to protect me from myself.

  14. here’s my opinion, i just read this and don’t get angry with me anyone for saying this but if most of you guys are either suicidal or depressed then how do you expect someone else not to just move on and live their life. even though i’m not one to help you with your issues are you sure there isn’t anyone else that you’ve known that can help you.

  15. *to just move on* soz i was writing something else but didnt delete all of it

  16. Hi Mark,
    I have not read all of your posts just this one and the Note one. I assume you live at home so I want to speak to you from a mom point of view rather than your parent. I too had thoughts of suicide when I was young (i am 41 today actually yuck) They would come and go and because we didn’t have the net to come and share I would deal with them myself.
    I have to say this life changes and it goes through cycles. People feel at different levels and it tends to be those that care more deeply also hurt the most. I promise you that things do change. You will have truly happy moments in your life that counterbalance the sad ones. Please try and pull through this. As far as this Jackie chick she doesn’t derserve the love you are giving her.

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