i did not die, which I assume a few of you thought since I never ended up getting back on this site until now. I was deceived and betrayed.
To make a long story short, I called jackie’s house, she told me she wanted to be best friends with me and that she truly cared about me. My parents and jackie’s parents both told me that nothing bad was going to happen, that everything was going to get fixed, that me and jackie would get to be friends again. They said the police would not be waiting for me, that I was not going to be institutionalized, nothing at all.
I felt this amazing surge of happiness, one that I hadn’t felt in an EXTREMELY long time, come over me after I heard jackie tell me that she cared deeply for me and that she wanted to be best friends with me again. So I get home at about noon March 24th, saturday. Me, Jackie, my parents, and jackie’s parents had agreed to have a video chat, and discuss this “friendship” thing. So I have three chairs pulled up in front of my mom’s laptop, and i’m waiting on skype, while my parents get all cleaned up and stuff to look good/decent on the webcam. But my dad starts saying that he feels really sick, so he goes downstairs and goes into the bathroom. I didn’t think too much of it, other than i felt bad. So I’m waiting, and waiting, and I decide to call jackie’s house again to see what’s taking so long. So they answer, and ask to speak to my parents, and I give my mom the phone and she hangs up like a minute later and says that they will be signing on in like 30 minutes. So me, a little annoyed that I have to wait even longer, I thought i may as well go lie down in my bed for a second and mess around on my phone. After five minutes of that, I hear a knock on the door. A thought raced through my mind, maybe it was the police, I hoped I was wrong. But I was right. Two police officers slowly entered my room and asked me to follow them, so I did. They lead me outside, patted me down for weapons, and started asking me questions. I told them I didn’t want to speak with them. The officer respected my right to not speak with him and remained silent from that point on. Anyways, I was brought to a hospital by an Acadian ambulance and was issued a PEC (physicians emergency commitment) of 72 hours. Back at the same old place i was at last year, except last year i stayed there for 1 week and was then transferred to a state hospital for 2 weeks. I felt betrayed by everyone. By my parents, by jackie, by jackie’s parents, they were all insistent that everything was going to get fixed. They all promised things to me, that all turned out to be lies. I partially lied, partially told the truth to get out of there. I showed no signs of depression. They diagnosed me with mood instability, suicidal ideation, and possible anxiety. The doctor prescribed me Prozac, which I have been taking since Tuesday. I can’t tell what effect it’s had on me. I have not been happier, or in a better mood. Things feel the same if not worse, after having been betrayed on last saturday.
I intend to kill myself, but this time there is no “last chance” like I believed there was on march 23rd. That’s already been used up. I realize that there is no conceivable way that me and jackie will ever be able to be friends. I will never be able to hear her speak again. And one of the things that hurts the most, is that I will never be able to see her in person. I won’t contact anybody. One night, i’ll just leave, and do it.