What if ?

What if I told you I don’t belong here?
He asked, what do you mean, here at school or on this world?
I answered with on this world
He said he was scared
I was scaring him
He didn’t know what to say
He asked me if I was talking about suicide
I told him no
He asked me if I was telling him the truth
I lied and said yes
I was thinking about suicide
There was a whole 40 minutes from the time that I left my friend and walked to his door
In that time, I had walked to the river and thought about jumping
I was contemplating
What if I had actually done it?
What if I hadn’t gone to his room?
Where would I be now?