I was drinking tonight. And for the first time I really felt emboldened to just… take an action I can’t mention here. I really wanted to do it. But I realize it probably won’t give me the result I want. I’ll probably get really sick and then regret doing it because I’ll be in severe pain with horrific stomach cramps, or maybe scary seizures and frightening rapid heartbeat. Or maybe I’ll suffer brain damage and then be a vegetable, wonderful. I’ll then hate my life even more, but maybe then I’d have an excuse not to have to do anything (like go to work, which […]
April 2012
Its not even like I’d care .. Almost everythings gone anyway . I had my parents taken away when I was 2 because of drug addiction . All my biggest hopes and wishes were taken away when I was 8 and I realized “mommy” & “daddy” don’t think I’m any more important than their drugs and new boyfriends/girlfriends . When I was 11 , leuchemia took my grandma from me . This past winter my past caught up with me . All my memories started rushing back and I started acting differently . Because I’d changed so much , all my friends were taken from […]
i cant stop thinking about it and i need to write it before i pass out from all the nighttime cough medicine i took,in a couple months i am sapost to have a blood test to see all my blood levels are good,and iron stuff like that,but i am on meds im sapost to be taking, and i havent took them in months,is it legal for them to look at other levels and stuff in your blood without you knowing, and if even if its for something picific, do they check everything?even wen they say its for one thing?
When I listen to music I find that it makes my mood like more if that makes any sence. If i’m happy and listening to music I love like some of Eminem songs I will get more happy but if im feeling down or depressed and I listen to sad songs I feel more down and sad and feel how the music is. Does this happen to you?
woke up pissed off,well i guess im just gonna have to drink more this time,i drink it last time and i started feeling sick as hell and started getting drifty,mabey i felt so sick because i have been starving my self,if i eat i eat fruit only, i weigh 100 pounds and my doctor says im under weight, but i dont see that wen i look in the mirrior,so i only got fruit in my fridge,monday im gonna buy diet pills to, im gonna damage my body because i hate it.i guess i dont really want to die yet, i am to scared, but if […]
its coming closer. every day i find myself pushing the boundaries of what i can live through. Every night i want to die; every night i wish i wont wake up tomorrow; i just want to take my sword and drive it through whats left of my heart. i dont care about pain. i dont care about anyone else. All anyone ever does is lie to me. Even the people i used to trust. Everyone else breaks their promises to me. why cant i break mine? i promised that i would keep my heart beating. Its time to break that promise.
I wore it every day. He gave it to me and said as long as I wore it, we’ll be together. Even if we aren’t. He was the greatest thing in my life. We were in love. That’s the first and only time in my life that I recall ever being happy. And it was ripped away when we fought. We fought about a scar. And he ripped out my heart through a text. We got back together, though. And we were happy again. Until I went across the country for a week to visit my brother. He found someone else. They’re happy. I still […]
….who just cheated on me..
No body loves me, nobody see’s the tears that falls down. Iscream but you cant hear me to busy hearing everybody else. You said you loved me but why choose something over me tgat means nothing. You said I was the only one so why pick that instead of being with me forever looks like 2years was full of lies on both parts but the ending was your fault. I cry for nights wishing I was perfect, wishing I was worth it if I.was maybe we will still be together. I have issues but cant blame it on them because its in me. Imight kill […]
I never saw the point in living. I had nothing to live for. But I faked a smile for the people who cared. One day, this boy walked into my life. We’ve been together for a little while, I told him who I was, he pushed me away. But he came back, because he understood. He knew he made a mistake. I think I love him. And I know he loves me. He gives me meaning. He’s been helping me find reasons to live. To WANT to live. He makes me…happy. Takes away all of the sadness. It’s nice. I haven’t felt this way in […]
My “name” does not matter. It wasnt the name I would have picked anyway. Nothing in this life is chosen, in my opinion. Not the fam damily, not the fairweather friendlies. Beware the knowers, professionals, indoctrinated well meaners. Beware the readers (and writers). I have been around the sun 31 times. I am the hate-child of an alchaholic and a junkie. Dad got drunk in Deming, NM when I was 10 and shot mom in the jugular. First time I ever called 911 it was busy… so I used a phonebook to find a # […]
this post refrences back to my previous post *the whole truth* .. my boyfriend just broke up with me and doesnt believe me when i say that i feel bad about this whole situation i told him how i feel and everything and i told him i cant go on liet his and he doesnt believe that ill do anything to myself; ive been more depressed than ever for a week and now the only reason i really got up in the morning is gone … i havent been able to eat for the pass week and every night and evening i cry and ive […]
I’ve read SP for over a year, but this is my first (and last) post. I will not read this post up on the site, I will not look at the comments. I can’t keep exposing myself to the negativity that I see here. There’s a choice I have to make, and I need to choose life. Because I won’t learn anything from death.
Myself, I have refused to engage with my life for years. Putting off graduating from professional school, letting work pile up, not looking at my finances. It cost me my marriage, hurt my job prospects, and has gotten me in a lot […]
It’s so painful to look in a mirror and see who you are, not who you want to be or can be. It’s especially painful when that mirror is not actually a mirror but your own parents complaining about who you are. No matter how much I distract myself or be in denial, I can always rely on my parents to tell me exactly what I don’t want to hear. They say their sick and tired to putting up with my personality and yet they do nothing about it. I think “well it’s my own responsibility to be pleasant and polite†but then I realize […]
I recently learnt that my dad, a police officer, suffered from PTSD after seeing a woman stabbed to death. Apparently, the thing that kept coming back to him was the sound she made as she was dying. This sound was linked back to a noise I apparently made as a 1 year old, when I had a fit and almost died. My almost-death was apparently the worst memory for him and tested his mental health.
I can’t imagine what my real death might cause.
So I can’t do it to him.
I can’t even think about it now.
I love my family far too much to destroy them in […]
Be yourself its the best person you can be
I AM ME
I am me
I shall be
Forever and always
Who i wish to see
In the mirror
As I hold the key
To me.
I wanted to say thank’s to all of the people who reached out to me , and cared soo much … i even smiled  ,A LITTLE BIT , but , i dont know … today i cut myself again … i know it’s wrong … but , i cant help it . I was called a slut today , by my friends mom ! Her mom just called me and told me that i’m a slut . I dont know why , but , i just , honostly , i’ve been crying for 3 hours now ? My hear just  , beats fast , i […]
I silently slip out of bed and turn on the light, I creep over to the bench and grab my lighter and pack of cigarettes and shove them into my pocket. I walk over to my bedroom window and slide it open, the cold mist outside creeps It’s way inside sending a chill down my back. I look up into the night sky and wonder what time it is. I open the door of my room and close it quietly hoping my mum dosn’t wake up. IÂ walk down the creaking old stairs. Downstairs I go into the dining room and look up at the […]
Opening the window
Grey-green cloudy spring light
Illuminates the sorrow
The utter lack of might
Sit here broken, shattered
Unable to see past
Everything that mattered
Before Night began to last
You need rest, a comfort
Singular point of light
But Darkness can contort
Even the Sun shining bright
Give into the great ocean
Opening inside you
Flooding every protection
With dread of tomorrow
Pray for deliverance
Anything but this hell
In fire you’d happily dance
But no Power can tell
Can perceive how you suffer
Or they are so cruel
To let you inwardly burn
To let you eat your soul
Lie unmoving on the ground
Devoid of any life
the Symptom Bearer
he sat angrily in his room, alone. He could hear them all talking downstairs. He knew they were all talking about him, it was always him!
Always your fault they chided him, you ruin everything.
In his family of 2 sisters and 2 brothers he was always the one in trouble, poor marks in school, always at the doctor, always in trouble somehow.
He was the Symptom Bearer.
Families are complex groups called systems. Even the simplest one parent one child family has a family system. A family system is made up of the unspoken rules and secrets of each family. Your family […]