I replay our last day together over and over at least six billion times a day.
We had been back together for four days after three weeks of not speaking. You just got out of football and i was in the band room, practicing my trombone. You texted me and asked where i was and you waited for me outside. Then you saw me, jumped up, and followed me to our place. I like to call it our place because it was the only place we’d ever go together. The only place no one would see us. That shouldve been warning #1. I ignored my gut feeling and we continued walking. You put your arm around me, something you never do, and began whispering sweet things into my ear. The roughness in your voice alone gave me chills. We got to the park and went straight to our tree, you grabbed my wrist, turned me around to face you, and got real close to my face. “I cant walk any further without kissing you.” You whispered and softly grazed my lips with yours. I nearly melted before i spun back around and continued walking to the farthest tree in the corner, the most private. You caught up and we helds hands the rest of the way, something else we never did. When we got there, you layed down with one arm stretched to the side of you, your right, i took it as an invitation and gently put my head on it. You kissed my forehead.. once.. twice.. then moved down to my lips. You rolled your arm out from under me and traced the top of my jeans with it, balancing my chin with your other. Your hand moved to my thigh and you wrapped my leg over yours. We kissed, really kissed, before i stopped it and you mumbled how much you missed my kisses and how hot it was. I couldnt have agreed more. I was nervous, so nervous, and i hardly responded to anything you said. All i could think about was you and our future together. I could feel you getting bored so i offered to go into the bathroom with you.. We got up and went inside. Everything was perfect: it was sexy, cute, romantic. You kept putting your arms around me and just standing there pressing your forehead against mine. It felt like time was standing still and you dont know this, but, i tried to pause that moment. I thought maybe if i focused hard enough, everything would freeze and we could be stuck in that moment forever. Then you stopped kissing me and when i looked into your eyes, they trailed off to your pocket. You were slowly pulling something out, a condom. I looked back at you and you smiled my favorite crooked smile before quickly shoving it back into your pocket. What else you didnt know what that i already knew how far we were going that day, it was actually all up to you. So i let things take their course without protest and before i knew it, i was laying on my back on the floor in a public restroom behind our high school. You wouldnt even look me in the eyes, warning #2. The whole experience lasted about two minutes before you got up and began putting your clothes back on. You still didnt look me in the eyes. Warning #3. I mimicked your actions and did the same, still speechless. We walked out together and sat at a picnic table. You had just taken my virginity and you wouldnt even sit on the same bench as me. Warning #4. I had no idea what to say so i stayed silent and you got mad and left. I called after you but when you turned around, nothing could come out so you stormed off again. I stood there unable to move and watched you walk away. My best friend, the boy i just gave everything to, my protector, my first love. You continued walking and didnt even look back. Warning #5. I walked past you with tears in my eyes and you still didnt acknowledge me. Warning #6. I kept walking and walking and walking until i collapsed and couldnt stop crying. I ended up back at the park and went into the bathroom where an hour and a half before, i had given myself to you. When enough thoughts had gone through my head, i went home and waited all night for a call that never came.
Its been two days and im still waiting for that call. Its been two days and i havent stopped crying. Its been two days of endless worrying. Its been two days that i havent stopped thinking about you. Its been two days that i have known that i am in love with you. Its been two days too long.