May 31st, 2012by everyonessofake
May 31, 2012
I feel nothing. I feel useless, dull, and dead. I want to die. Iâ€™ve thought of dying. I need help. I NEED HELP! I have so much work to do I feel like Iâ€™m drowning, I feel empty. I feel like I have no emotions, I feel lifeless, that my life has no meaning. Nobody understands, at least I donâ€™t think so. They all say it will get better or to suck it up. I canâ€™t suck it up; my body and mind are betraying me! I know intellectually that I need to do things but then my mind and body say no. Sometimes I think that if I were dead it would be better, for everyone. I feel like Iâ€™m useless and that Iâ€™m letting everyone down. Iâ€™ve fucked everything up. Iâ€™m letting myself down. Nobody has asked if I was okay, all they talk about is the work Iâ€™m missing, or how to fix it. Not if Iâ€™m okay. Iâ€™m not okay, I want to die, and Iâ€™m scared. Iâ€™m so scared. Iâ€™m so scared all the time. I need help and I canâ€™t help myself. I donâ€™t want to tell my counselor, she can be annoying. I feel like Iâ€™m in hell, but I donâ€™t understand why. My life isnâ€™t bad, school isnâ€™t bad, and Iâ€™m not a bad person per say. Why me?! I had dreams, now I feel nothing. I have no goals, I donâ€™t care. Iâ€™M SCARED!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! I donâ€™t know what to do, the â€œhappyâ€ pills arenâ€™t making me happy, the exercise isnâ€™t making me happy, me trying to be positive isnâ€™t making me happy. I just want to die, I NEED to die. But I donâ€™t have the guts to do it. Helpâ€¦ Why wonâ€™t anyone try! Nobody asks me if Iâ€™m okay, they say that I just need to push through it but I canâ€™t. I just want to die. To end it. To end the pain, the humiliation of my own deterioration. To end all the work, the stress, the uselessness. I hate myself. I hate myself SO much. I want everyone to hate me to, just so I almost have an excuse, but they donâ€™t. All they see are lies, an act. Underneath that smile and laugh is someone who is acting, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I feel so stressed all the time but my body wonâ€™t let me do the work, I want to, but I canâ€™t. Iâ€™m being betrayed by myself! All my teachers see is a fucked up student who is missing work, doesnâ€™t do homework, and is a failure. What they donâ€™t see is someone who is falling apart. I feel like Iâ€™m dying, my mind anyway. All my friends see is the person who doesnâ€™t go to school, the fuck-up, the â€œhappy inappropriate oneâ€, the smart one. What they donâ€™t ask me, ever, is if Iâ€™m okay. All they care about is that I wasnâ€™t there, like I was a statue. It hurts, so bad. What they donâ€™t see is a friend who needs them, someone who needs someone to talk to. I need someone. I need a friend for once; Iâ€™ve always been there for them! Why canâ€™t they be there for me? I hate it. My parents, they try to understand. They say theyâ€™ve been here but honestly I find that impossible. The way I think is different anyway so this is just too much. They want to help me but somehow they make it worse. They try not to nag me but they do, I can feel the pressure. All they see is a fuck-up too. Iâ€™m sorry. Iâ€™M SO SORRY. They got a fucked up kid who they didnâ€™t deserve. My sisters got a fucked up sister who they didnâ€™t deserve. Iâ€™m a mistake, not meant to be. Iâ€™m useless, just a number. I need help, or I need to die. I canâ€™t live like this, I really canâ€™t handle it. All I want to do is just take a ton of medication, and just go to sleep. But, I donâ€™t have the balls. Iâ€™m weak. Iâ€™m stupid. Iâ€™m useless. I donâ€™t deserve to live on this planet. I donâ€™t deserve anything. Iâ€™m nothing, nobody. Why canâ€™t anyone see me? If I tell anyone theyâ€™ll only think that I want attention, so why bother. Maybe I should just drop off the face of the earth, theyâ€™ll get over it. Iâ€™ve seen people get over it. Call me selfish, whatever. You donâ€™t feel the way I do, and I bet you never will. Everyoneâ€™s experience is different. Help me, Iâ€™m scared, and I feel so alone.