More police and more pain
May 13th, 2012 by EverlastingSo I had the police around again, twice in two days. The first time I got away with it, but the next day they came with a doctor and paramedics and got dragged off to hospital and was forced into care (for the 3rd time) and my 5th hospitalization. Have now had about 10 run-ins with the police this last year.
I was supposed to be dead, I emptied my office last weekend and then went home fully intending to once and for all end it all. I knelt there with my head in a noose and a syringe with enough anesthesia drug (will not mention the drug to give others ideas) to knock me into a coma and then for the noose to do the rest when I was knocked out. I pulled back, drawing out blood into the syringe, everything went into massive slow motion and then I just started crying and crying and stopped the injection, took my neck out of the noose in time before I collapsed on the bathroom floor and cried for at least an hour.
I guess my colleagues were only doing the right thing (they knew I had tried a few times before) and I do not blame them for anything. However, I have completely disintegrated (can be the only word to use) this last year and nobody has been there for me, so it was a bit weird they noticed this. So 3 days after I tried again to end it all the cops came.
Now 3 days after I have got out of hospital, I am right back to the beginning, wanting to end it all. Cutting to get through the anxiety and knowing that I am getting closer to doing what I have wanted to do for sometime. just cannot quite get there, but I have no idea why. I feel nothing but pain, life is hell and everything is so pointless and hopeless. I just want to die, but I stay in this stasis for some reason and I am starting to worry I will not kill myself and just go on in constant pain.
Processing your request, Please wait....
Why don’t you join me in an attempt to defeat the mighty Paula Radcliffe. I’m going to need a training buddy. When you are feeling low I could be you’re friend.
Are you still there?
Look, I’m going to need help beating this Paula Radcliffe women. She must think that I have deliberately avoided entering so as to avoid confronting her. Now you and I both know that that’s not true and I had a minor setback in my preparation. So, I think there is another race scheduled for later in the year. I can’t do this without you really, can you really stand by and allow me to get humiliated. Anyway, I think your really cool. Of course there are going to be suicidal days mixed in. I am confident of claiming victory and will split the prize money with you, and take you out. Ok. My email is in the comments section.