So I had the police around again, twice in two days. The first time I got away with it, but the next day they came with a doctor and paramedics and got dragged off to hospital and was forced into care (for the 3rd time) and my 5th hospitalization. Have now had about 10 run-ins with the police this last year.
I was supposed to be dead, I emptied my office last weekend and then went home fully intending to once and for all end it all. I knelt there with my head in a noose and a syringe with enough anesthesia drug (will not mention the drug to give others ideas) to knock me into a coma and then for the noose to do the rest when I was knocked out. I pulled back, drawing out blood into the syringe, everything went into massive slow motion and then I just started crying and crying and stopped the injection, took my neck out of the noose in time before I collapsed on the bathroom floor and cried for at least an hour.
I guess my colleagues were only doing the right thing (they knew I had tried a few times before) and I do not blame them for anything. However, I have completely disintegrated (can be the only word to use) this last year and nobody has been there for me, so it was a bit weird they noticed this. So 3 days after I tried again to end it all the cops came.
Now 3 days after I have got out of hospital, I am right back to the beginning, wanting to end it all. Cutting to get through the anxiety and knowing that I am getting closer to doing what I have wanted to do for sometime. just cannot quite get there, but I have no idea why. I feel nothing but pain, life is hell and everything is so pointless and hopeless. I just want to die, but I stay in this stasis for some reason and I am starting to worry I will not kill myself and just go on in constant pain.