I did not, you see, want to kill myself. Not at that time, anyway. But I wanted to know that if need be, if the desperation got so terribly bad, I could inflict harm on my body. And I could. Knowing this gave me a sense of peace and power, so I started cutting up my legs all the time. Hiding the scars from my mother became a sport of its own. I collected razor blades, I bought a Swiss army knife, I became fascinated with the different kinds of sharp edges and the different cutting sensations they produced. I tried out different shapes—squares, triangles, pentagons, even an awkwardly carved heart, with a stab wound at its centre, wanting to see if it hurt the way a real broken heart could hurt. I was amazed and pleased to find that it didn’t.
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I, luckily for me (in a way), always hated sharp things such as knives.
In your post you implied that now you do want to kill yourself… What changed?
Anyhow, as you mentioned, you started cutting yourself because you wanted to see if you could harm yourself if need be. Alright, now that you do know that you can harm yourself if you’d want to… Why do you keep on cutting yourself? Does it still give you the sense of peace and power as you wrote? And if it does, why do you think this is the thing which helps you feel better? (Let’s ignore the chemical portion if it – cutting yourself causes the body to produce endorphins which give you a sense of “high” in order to battle the pain)
I’m sorry that this comment took shape as a comment that brings up many questions that you might not want to answer. However, since you provided us (The readers) with little information except your fascination with sharp edges and the sensation that you get after cutting you, I do need some more information in order to reply in a way that hopefully will make you feel slightly better.
Even though all of what I wrote are questions I hope that it does convey to you the message that sometimes there are people who read and care and wish to help if they can.
Oak
You want to feel piece and power? Try meditation and exercise. Cutting is just silly and dramatic.
Thanks for being one of the ones who care Oak <3
Everything changed, school, friends, home.
I continue to cut myself because it left me have control on things in my life that seem to be spinning out of my hands.
Cutting helps me feel better because it let's me concentrate on something other than mental pain it makes me forget about everything that's going wrong.
I’ve been holding my tongue for a bit but I must speak out. Cutting is not stupid and dramatic. Those who cut to flaunt may be, but those who cut to release if only temporary should not have it judged. Exercise and meditation is a generic piece of advice. It will work but temporary just like everything. If it helps one to get through an uncomfortable situation then try to do it with control. Just do what you can to not get stuck in the same spot forever. And know that there are consequences. Calling it stupid and dramatic is just what people who don’t know what we here a SP are about, what we go through. and invalidating it. We come here to release anything extra is a bonus. We come here to be understood and listened too not judged. I need to back off for now because seeing stuff like that around here gets me upset. At least you replied but look before you leep, because a lot of us are that sensitive.
Thank you for that <3