am I supposed to keep going:
- when it feels like my drive to desire is broken (desire being the root of action) ?
- when my ego’s been getting weaker for the past 5+ years ?
- when my mind cannot generate meaningful goals etc like it used to ?
I wanted to become a psychologist when I started going to college (sept. 06) .. it was my only and meaningful goal, my door into the future
I got to experience mental abuse & other bad things in an environment I started to hate .. unfortunately, I had no other realistic option than to go to class (and enjoy the abuse)
at the same time, I was losing interest in stuff life has to offer, I found myself detaching more and more
during summer 2011, I made the decision to drop out to save the little part of sanity I had left
(I have a BA degree and I doubt I’ll ever make use of it .. that degree has more of a symbolic value: I wasn’t bullied for nothing)
now I’m at my mom’s house, unable to envision any sort of future since I have no goals, little ambition (thanks to my dying ego)
nothing I can give some importance to and internalize, no foundation to push myself back into real life
I feel like a lemon that were squeezed out of life force/juice
I’m not depressed and suicidal like I was during the colder days .. the never-leaving hellish fog has left and I’m thank-to-the-fuckin-ful for that
I’m just tired of apathy and being disconnected from people in RL, and tired of waiting for my purpose to reveal itself (if there is one)