Everyday thoughts of taking my life are becoming more of a reality to me. I worry tho about my sweet daughter jenni who is the happiest little ray of sunshine I have been blessed with. She’s 22 years old now, lives with her boyfriend and just lives life. My 20 year old son is so lost in this world trying to find his way. He doesn’t really need me because he’s he’ll bent to do every thing his way. He’s a good kid tho. My youngest daughter is 18. She just graduated from hs and thinks she knows everything. […]
June 2012
i cant sleep anymore thats why i’m up right now, its really late where i am but i just cant sleep i never can for ages and i try i’ve tried everything, i don’t know what to do because even if i do sleep i have messed up dreams, and i hate staying up alone because when everyone else in the house is dead to the world and i can hear them sleeping i feel more alone and depressed than ever.
“What hurts when I remember this song is remembering how someone you love doesn’t love you back, aond you feel like it’s the end of the world. Little did I know that when the sun rises, a whole new beginning was looking at me, waiting for me. That beginning will always remembers you and returns when the sun sets. And when the going gets rough, the sun will be there for you until it sets. So in short words there is no end. Just a new beginning. ”
I feel like I haven’t written anything on here in awhile. Anyways, I’ve realized that sometimes life has […]
I wanna cut so bad tonight. The knife looks really tempting right now. Maybe just a few cuts… It won’t do much harm unless I can’t stop like last time, right?
About seven or eight year ago I moved to the UK with my grand mum. She’s great. The best I could have. Unfortunately I can’t say the same about my mum. Don’t get me wrong, I love her too, but there’s certain things about her I can’t forgive. One is the fact that she’d rather be a WOMAN than a MUM. It sounds quite strange doesn’t it? What I mean to say is that she’d rather be with her partner than with her children. It’s not AS horrible as it sounds, but it is rather bad. My mum and my brothers, they stayed back at […]
All that I ever was and still partially am is care. People say I am very caring and sweet. They say that I do things other guys never do. If I am so good then why do I feel so empty? Why do I long to feel that girl on my shoulder? Why do I long to do more?   But yet why do I feel myself losing care for all these questions to be answered? Is it possible that the pain has finally stopped, no it’s still there. The pain is trying to hide,looking for the right time to reappear. It is pretty bad nowadays when […]
I’ll start out by saying I consider myself “addicted” to suicidal thoughts. The thoughts begun as early as elementary school and continued to thrive throughout my life. As I prepare to leave everyone I know and move a 1000 miles away to college, I can’t seem to commitment to moving forward or ending my life. I have made one serious attempt, one which had me hospitalized for 4 months, and that was just 1 out of my 11 hospitalizations. Life has been a long and hard journey for me. I have learned the hard way the cons of acting on these thoughts. I also know […]
I’m torn between him thinking if I don’t do it I didn’t care, But if I do do it he might be mad that I left her behind. I don’t want to give my child a parentless life, but nor do I want to carry on with a Lewisless life. I can’t imagine the rest of my life without him, how bad he was hurting, all the things I’ll do without him, and how I’ll never see him again. This pain is just too bad, my heart is completely broken. As cliched as it is, we were one person. Soul mates, he said..
Every night. I cry. Sometimes a little, usually a lot.
And it’s like i’d be scared of what would happen if i didn’t
The stupid things i do to myself. I think they stop me going overboard
Recently i’ve been hurting myself a lot more than ever. I use to just get drunk or get high or worse
But i promised her i wouldn’t- not that i know why, it’s not like i’ll ever mean half as much to her as she does to me. But i get so scared of losing her i abide by that promise. So i just keep getting worse. And i just […]
Some days it’s easy to hate the reality of your own existence. Some times it’s simple to think there isn’t a point to getting by and getting on with life. Some how it’s simple to die on the inside.
Sometimes…but not always. Sometimes people bring you back from the brink- a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a best friend etc… Until they leave me also.
I used to think that it would take some kind of life altering event to cause someone to spiral down the rabbit hole of depression, that people were born happy or content and then we’re twisted by the world around us.
The more I think […]
Moving to Florida for a fresh start. Family knows all issues and very supportive. On another notes evil thoughts do not overpower me any more did break down while driving by the RR tracks I had planned to use. Life is ok
Nathan has left the premises. It is I, Rogue Shadow, who has taken his place. I chose to document my presence since Nathan seems to refer to me as his deity, savior, and hero. If only he would realize he can be everything I am, just by trying hard and not giving up. How shall I do it. If only I had more control over him.
Whether it’s true or not. It’s good to attempt a different perspective on it all. I took a small survey/quiz by the teacher. It was meant to see if you’re more rebublican (conservative) or democratic (liberal). I took it and […]
I slipped up.
I haven’t been here in while. A very long while. Not because the monster inside of me was gone, more because being empty is consistent, and this little bit of venting was enough to keep me just above empty.
I was doing a little bit better actually.
Adjusting.
But I made the mistake of letting someone in.
I should know better.
I know now that I am not pathetic for needing someone in my life. I used to always feel so weak for wanting someone to be there for me.
Humans are not designed to be solitary creatures, in my opinion.
And maybe it’s because I was sexually abused as […]
What am I supposed to do .Im tired. tired of feeling helpless and worthless everyday of my life i want things to change I dont want to be depressed anymore. I want to go back to how things used to be but I know thats not an option who can help me?
Tear after the other, I failed to finish crying….
Keeping this mask on is draining my last bit of sanity..
Why is it when your sad you are always alone? Why is it that only I find pleasure in being there among those  who pretend to care?
Where is everyone now, when I am the one in need?
Been strong for so long, but loneliness has taken its toll on me, I dared to seek care… I dared to ask for tenderness.. I dared to imagine being loved.. But time after time, the nightmare kicked me in the guts, with phantoms of beings which never gave any of such …
Until..
I met […]
“Suicide is man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me – I quit.”â€
everyone will die (eventually) so what if I decide the end of my history??
its a two way stream
one shouldn’t be in charge or have more rights than others
right?
If you take your own life my friends…you all gonna hurt many people that you left behind
i dont think it’s right to do that and make others laying sleepless in bed and cry big rivers of tears
if life is mean to you ..be mean back but do not hurt your self …make a plan how you can get the good things in life
i’m sure you have people that loves you and would cry their eyes of if you toked your own life
look at Thobias in this video of mine ..don’t you think he’s worth living a good life and get som love […]
That preaty much says it all.please kill me im to scared to do it myself.pain is so awfull.no one loves me any more.or at least the important one doesnt.please pray for my death.i would be much obliged
Sometimes I just wish, I could run away and hide.
No matter where I go though, these feelings stay inside.
How can I stay here and live each day a lie,
When all I want to do is close my eyes and die?
I see the pain I cause you, with every tear I shed.
So I’m begging you just let me go instead,
I know you can never forgive me but please just set me free,
It may seem ungrateful, but this life’s not meant for me.
Thank you for all your love, for all the time we shared,
It means the […]