Hi. First off, something I want to say is that no matter how bleak things may look, you are strong, and you can make it through this. <3
My story starts about 5 years ago. all through elementary school I was always the most outgoing and fun-loving girl in our little town. I was never without a friend to play with. That all changed the day of my 11th birthday party. It was the most fun party I had ever had. I was so happy because my dad picked me and my friend up in a semi-truck to bring us home. we got there, and there was a message on the machine for my mother. you see, she had been sick for about a year or two, but had always been to stubborn to go to the doctor. about a week before, dad had finally convinced her to go and get checked out. me and my friend were still all happy and just playing in my room when my dad told me that the doctor called and him and mom had to go to the hospital right away. I was young and foolish. i didnt worry about it at all. after that day, my mom was in the hospital for a long time, but nobody would tell me why, or let me see her, or tell me when she was coming home. for a few weeks i thought i was never going to see my mom again. finally my dad explained to me what happened. when my mom went to the doctor, they had discovered that the reason she had been so sick was because both of her kidneys had failed. i was told that it was a miracle that she was even alive. they said at best she should have been lying on the couch unable to move. this caught me off guard seeing as she still had been running around, working, coaching volleyball and softball…. after i found that out about my mom i became very detached. i stopped spending time with friends, and eventually my friends stopped caring about me. she was lucky enough to get a kidney a few months after being diagnosed, but the damage to me was permanent. all through middle school i was always picked on. always an outsider… i hated life. last year i was a freshman in high school. i had one really close friend, and that was about it. my entire world was a black pit… finally, i couldnt take it anymore. i spent all night writing letters. and at about 3am i went into the bathroom and found as many pills as i could. i counted as i swallowed them. 67 pills. but i couldnt feel anything happening. i decided that things were going too slow. i drank half a can of hydrogen peroxide thinking it might kill me faster… then i just lied down in bed, and waited to die. my last thought was very cliche… “goodbye cruel world” but next thing i know, i wake up. not dead as i expected… but as soon as i wake up, everything that i took trying to kill me was puked back up. i spent the next day and a half puking. never dying. i wished so strongly at that point that i was brave enough to pick up the knife off the counter and just finish the job. but i wasnt. i was a coward. i see now that that is one of the bravest things ive ever done. i chose to live. live in a world where pain and heartache and death are everywhere. i chose to live and be strong so i would have a story to tell. to teach people about the strength inside themselves. about a week after i attempted that, school was over with. summer 2012 had began… i seemed to have been the only person not looking forward to it. but something changed my mind. our small town has a celebration each year called copperfest. during copperfest, three of my friends stayed with me at my house. one of them was drugged and kidnapped, and if i had killed myself earlier as planned, i wouldnt have been there to find her and keep her from being raped and possibly murdered. the next day i was so exhausted, but i had promised to work at copperfest. i had a good excuse to blow it off, but something kept nagging at me that if i didnt go, i would be missing out on something amazing… and my intuition was right. if i hadnt went and worked, i wouldnt have fallen in love, and found a reason to live. BJM has given me a reason to keep fighting. yes i am only 16, but i do believe this is true love, and I believe he is a gift from God to reward me for choosing life when i could have easily given up.
Thank you Bailey <3
Life may be tough, but there will always be a reason to keep living. even when it may seem impossible, you are strong, brave, and beautiful.