God I was feeling so good yesterday, and now it’s back to not being able to concentrate and having panic attacks non stop.
I’ll start at the beginning. A few months ago, my mum started getting really sick. At first she refused to admit it (she is a very proud person, and I guess I inherited it from her), but she eventually went to the doctor. Over the next couple of months, the doctor (and others he had brought in) couldn’t figure out if it was cancer or something less serious and therefore to this day haven’t diagnosed it. During this time, both my brother and I have started working (she’s still working, but she’s at the hospital a lot so yeah) and I’ve started looking after the home and my sister more, but cracks are just showing everywhere. My father is stressing out and finding it hard to cope (which is horrible because he has epilepsy and stress is a main cause for fits), my sister is playing up in school and my anxiety is just getting worse.
For a while, mum started getting better and obviously we all felt better, but then she relapsed or something and is now worse than ever. She refuses to let me pay for a trip out of town to see the best doctor in the country or even to bring him here, and I really don’t want to go behind her back, but I’m just so scared. Up until today I just tried telling myself that the doctors will know soon and that it’s not too serious, but I just can’t do it anymore! I just wish I knew what was wrong. I mean obviously I don’t want it to be serious, but at least we could try to cure it if we knew what it was.
And now the one person I feel like truly understood me and what I have been through has gone to live with his dad overseas. He was really helping me through everything and now I just feel like it’s just all gone. I just need a distraction. From this, from my past, from everything!