I think maybe if I let it all out I’ll feel better, Maybe if I write it I’ll see how ridiculous it is and I won’t do it.
I’m 22 years old and I’m considering suicide.
In the past month My parents first and foremost split after 30 years of marriage. My dad moved into his own house and my mum tried the hose in the gaspipe trick which failed. I don’t think she was serious. She called me and told me she was doing it. When I do it I won’t be calling anyone. The second thing I finally drove away my long term partner and the man I considered the love of my life. I thought I was going to marry him one day. I thought we were happy. He said he hated the person I’d become. That I was snappy angry selfish and he wasn’t happy with me. I didn’t know I’d become that bad. I would’ve tried to be the person I used to be. He wouldn’t give me a chance. Said he didn’t believe I’d change unless the relationship was over. He’s never coming back. I thought the best way to deal with this was to move interstate to live with my best friend and be closer to my family. I moved 3000km away to escape. It changed nothing I’m still miserable and now I have no job, no money, no car, no uni course nothing to look forward too. I’m miserable. I’ve been promising myself for years if I didn’t kill myself things would get better and they do but it never lasts and I always end up back in the same position.
I’m done trying. I can’t cope with the disappointment and the hurt anymore. I wish I knew what I”d done so wrong for my life to be like this so I could change it. It’s better though if I don’t have to care anymore.
5 comments
Dear Losingmymind,
Sweetie – don’t ever let anyone, ANYone control how you view yourself. Your parents have their own ‘stuff’ to sort out which none of it has anything to do with you. Their relationship lived its course. That is all. This man who makes you believe YOU are the one who must change is not worth one more second of your time. That relationship, too, has lived its course.
You are giving your power away to other people. Why? Your words tell me you are trying for the wrong people. Try for YOURSELF and no other. 22. You have eons of LIVING to do yet. I wish I had that choice.
I am 53. A divorced mother of 3 now adult children who love me, I know. But have learned to passive aggressively manipulate me via their father. For years I have beat myself up. Trying to “better” so they won’t abandon me. I ran board meetings. Became teacher of the year more times than I can count. Bent over backwards to please everyone – but myself. Instead of love and security, I became a door mat. No one’s fault but mine…
I cannot tell you how many times I prayed to not wake up. But, every morning, I did. Until very recently, every day was a ‘disappointment’. What changed? I’m not sure. I think I simply got tired to feeling like leftovers so I forced myself, one event at a time, to do what I must each day but the rest of the time, i began to fill in the gaps of my soul…..
I listed 5 things I was grateful for every day (sometimes I had to really dig for something and wrote things like the smell of the air at night; the way the tiled floor felt cool to my feet on a hot day, etc) After a bit, I saw how many little things put placed in my path each day that were truly special. How sad for me if I could no longer enjoy them?
Then I went inside myself and did things that made me happy. A glass of wine on the porch to watch the sunset, thinking of nothing but the vision in front of me. Bought a pair of nice sheets even though there was no one (yet) to share them with. Found new art galleries to take myself to on a ‘date’ just to look at things that inspired me. Read a lot of books – anything that took me away from me for a while.
Bit by bit I started feeling less ‘beat up’ because I quielty distanced myself from thosei I believed were hurting me. I didn’t rant. I didn’t rave. I stopped sulking. I forced a hello and a smile even when I wanted to spit and bite and cry. People started smiliing back. Letting me in. Engaging me in their conversations. They aren’t my best friends but I didn’t feel as lonely…..
Now I have lists of things to see, places to visit, more books to read, food to try, the list is growing – and I have far less years left than you, my dear.
Don’t give your precious self away. You deserve a well lived, rich, fun, on-your-own-terms LIFE. Anyone who cannot embrace that; anyone who you draw in to tear you down is not worthy of a milisecond of your time. Bless them. Thank them for showing you who NOT to hang out with and move on.
Love yourself dear one. Disappointment is ours and ours alone because we set ourselves up for it. Change because YOU want to. Not because some dunder head needs control and found you to exert that silliness on.
Give yourself a scented luxurious bath….some delicate tea….10 minutes of mindless quiet (if those awful thoughts pop into your mind, say “oh, there’s that thought again. It’s not reality. It’s just a thought….” and watch is drift back out of your mind. Then, put yourself to sleep but focusing on nothing but the breath that is YOUR life…..precious. A gift just for you. Breathing. Just breathing. When you see the sun the next day, thank it for giving you a brand new, fresh beginning. Everything else is gone. Over. In the past where it belongs. Not in your Now. Your present.
Embrace your life. You have much to give. Much to experience. And, no doubt, your life – which has always been planned and wanted – will enrich everyone who passes in your wake.
You are Love and there are too many forces you can’t even fathom who need your existence. You just haven’t met them yet.
Namaste dear one. Namaste.
Dissapointment is a big obstacle in life, what makes us great is how we handle all the situation on life. If he doesn´t loves you fine you can find someone better, the power of attraction depends on you, if you feel sad only sad things will be marking your life. You have to be positive so positive things will happen on life. My parents are divorce too, but now what that´s their lifes I don´t care they choose that not you. You have your personal problems, but all the problems have solutions. In life we don´t have to try we have to do, if you want a job, search it, find it.
Odd thing for your mom to do. Why did she feel the need to kill herself because of the divorce? Why did your issues stem from your boyfriend splitting with you?
First…divorce your parents. It’s essential to mentally leaving the nest and launching your own life. You can still love them; but with loving detachment. You help but without sacrificing your wellbeing.Next…learn to love and develope yourself First. There is no soul mate who is responsible for your happiness..that’s your job.You also never give 100 % of yourself; your heart; your soul To Anyone…not parents, nor spouse, lover,children, or pets. You give 80 or 90%…but that 10 or 20 % is the life line to pick up and begin anew when humans fail you…or you failthem.A big secret I’ve learned with time; is when you’re in the depths of despair ; in emotional torment, in a black abyss; therein lies the life lesson waiting to be diciphered, perceived, digested, understood, and internalized into a new understanding.It is the pain, the agony that we encounter, in life that reveals what we are to learn; and where we must develope.Contrary to what society says,we are not here in life to just experience happiness. We are here to evolve; and our species,though we rail and chafe against pain and suffering; actually require it to a degree to develope…no we don’t like it…..but it’ s our human legacy, at this point in our developement.Suggestions: Don’t enter any relationships for now…don’t go back . Use this time to understandthe Life Lesson that is before you.What lesson you may ask ?If you are solely dependent on Externals and other people for your happiness…you will never be happy.You must find, and create the bedrock; the foundation upon which you stand and build your self concept..the essense of you…not dependent on parents or significant others.The tools I use to find and create this internalbedrock are spiritual and humanistic principles and values. Meditation, yoga, the relaxation response, communing with nature, the Bhagavad Gita, bible other “wise writings and books” helped me.Find the path, because this psychotic society,and the despair and insanity it creates will lead you to self destruct. Go within….using the ancient tools quiet, meditation,yoga.exercise, nature etc.Know that behind All Thought..Lies Energy. Energy creates..what are you creating with your thoughts ?
First…divorce your parents. It’s essential to mentally leaving the nest and launching your own life. You can still love them; but with loving detachment. You help but without sacrificing your wellbeing.Next…learn to love and develope yourself First. There is no soul mate who is responsible for your happiness..that’s your job.You also never give 100 % of yourself; your heart; your soul To Anyone…not parents, nor spouse, lover,children, or pets. You give 80 or 90%…but that 10 or 20 % is the life line to pick up and begin anew when humans fail you…or you failthem.A big secret I’ve learned with time; is when you’re in the depths of despair ; in emotional torment, in a black abyss; therein lies the life lesson waiting to be diciphered, perceived, digested, understood, and internalized into a new understanding.It is the pain, the agony that we encounter, in life that reveals what we are to learn; and where we must develope.Contrary to what society says,we are not here in life to just experience happiness. We are here to evolve; and our species,though we rail and chafe against pain and suffering; actually require it to a degree to develope…no we don’t like it…..but it’ s our human legacy, at this point in our developement.Suggestions: Don’t enter any relationships for now…don’t go back . Use this time to understandthe Life Lesson that is before you.What lesson you may ask ?If you are solely dependent on Externals and other people for your happiness…you will never be happy.You must find, and create the bedrock; the foundation upon which you stand and build your self concept..the essense of you…not dependent on parents or significant others.The tools I use to find and create this internalbedrock are spiritual and humanistic principles and values. Meditation, yoga, the relaxation response, communing with nature, the Bhagavad Gita, bible other “wise writings and books” helped me.Find the path, because this psychotic society,and the despair and insanity it creates will lead you to self destruct. Go within….using the ancient tools quiet, meditation,yoga.exercise, nature etc.Know that behind All Thought..Lies Energy. Energy creates..what are you creating with your thoughts ?