In my past entries posted on this site, as well as my facebook page and my website: www.nolenthebeckoning.com, I have mentioned my belief in man’s evolution from fire. I have received quite a few derogatory replies. Most from people calling themselves christians. To those of you on this site who claim christianity, I do not wish to personally offend you, however it is of my opinion that christianity is one of the leading religions to plague mankind. Most of christian history is written in bigotry and the practice of condemning all others…and when there’s no others, condemn each other. As with many of my perceptions, […]
August 2012
Why do people think it’s funny to tell you to go kill yourself. Someone told that to me today and I thought that it wasn’t going hurt me that bad, but it did. The voices in my head started screaming to go do it. I can’t make them go away and the worst part about it is that I was okay with dealing with my suicidal thought for a little while now and I just got sent back to the bottomless well that I can’t find away out of. No one where I am understands what I’m going through and it sucks that they don’t […]
People have called me selfish for feeling suicidal but really I am far from it. I have just thought about it and when I die I would like my donate my body to help other people who need the help. I have done pretty pathetic things in my time in order to lets say “make up” for things I fail at in life. I sleep with a dumbell or my little dog in order to make up for that loneliness I feel in my heart. My dog though is one of the things that keeps me alive. To see her little tail wagging when she […]
Have you ever just sat in your bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering what your doing here? Why your so depressed. If theres even a point to being here. Anyone else feel this way?
hi i have just joined 2 days ago and i feel better already. so the real problem is i can’t learn to love others because i don’t love myself. i don’t even know how to receive love. I’m 18 never had a girlfriend and only have kissed a girl once. i lost the chance to tell the love of my life that i like her a lot in high school. I’m in college now. 18 years of not loving myself has gone to shits for my personality. people see me as a immature fuck. so my final question is how do i kill myself without […]
my bf..ahh we fight through smiles and tears..so he finally talks to me and i attempt to fix things. apparently what i had to say hurt him deeply..now im lost…did i get it through to him not to fucking ignore me or did i push him away???? guess il find out eventually:/ so thats that, then school is ok not hell so thats a plus…except i need more friends.. like always i get looked at and or ignored..but im learning to not care anymore..sooo yeah happy but depressed which is causng me not to eat i havent eaten anything in 3days:/ starving but the sight […]
so i had school today… and this year since i started having panic attacks in july, i’ve been really stressed out in school because my anxiety kicks in when there is too much noise or too many people. i have been able to manage when it kicks in in the classroom, but today they decided to have a ‘pep rally’…that did not work out very well for me. i ended up having a panic attack and had to leave the gym.
I’m really, really sad.
But at the same time everything just seems so free right now. I just want to be free. I think I make believe too much. I pretend that I’m this girl who just has fun and doesn’t care and is free. The only time I’m free is when I’m intoxicated by alcohol and/or drugs.
That’s not ‘free’, That’s a prisoner. I’m a prisoner.
I think it’s getting serious again too but I dont know where or how to get help because of trust issues, And also the fact that
When I’m sad, I have no friends.
Now people think I’m happy […]
I have so many reasons to live my children who love me and the grandchildren they have and are giving me, a place to live and a job so why do i suffer from suicidal thoughts all the time .. I may have 7 children but does that mean i have been a good mother? and would they really miss me when i am gone? my kids are from 3 different fathers so what does that say about me as a person? why do i find it so hard to find someone i want to be with and be truly happy with? why does the […]
Well, ive had tons of sex, and plan on getting more before i pass away, i have alot of ppl who love me, and some who are inlove with me, but thats not enough, ive tryed 3 time this past month but hanging yourself is not easy, soo… i need to find a new way, i have ideas so i gotta do more research, i dont want to leave pain to the ppl who really love me, but im selfish and i dont really give a shit, this is my life, and i will live and die how i want to, im not scared […]
Yes, i am dieN tonight, fuck god and his bullshit, cuz i aint dealin with in anymore..lol..ima catch tha bus.
I’ve jumped out of windows and stuff, but just got like fractures, no death. I’ve taken sleeping medecine and just threw up, the other time my stomach was pumped/
What can I do to make sure I die?
I can’t do this anymore. I just…..can’t.
I met the love of my life close to 5 years ago. Huge age difference….she just turned 18. At first I knew it wouldn’t work, but then out of nowhere I got her pregnant. So…we both decided that it was best to go forward and see how things went. I moved her up here from Florida and we settled in. Our daughter was born just over a year after we had gotten together. Things were……terrific. We were told by so many people that we were the perfect couple. We couldn’t get over each other. We had to be around […]
I have been battling this depression thing for quite a few months now.
I just dont get what is going in my freaking head!! im so confused.
I am happy for a while, and then suddenly for no reason i get depressed. And then i try diverting my mind off it, by doing something i like, but that doesnt happen. I dont even know if I am making sense right now!!
This damn thing, i just dont know what is going on with me!! I did go to a psychiatrist, but she was no good. She just wrote me pills, which i got addicted to and that is […]
My Life in a word.Catastrophe. If you could describe your life in a word. What word you you use.?
He was my reason for living. I had nothing else to live for. Two years. Everything was going to be okay because I had him and he loved me and we were going to have a future together. Three affairs, in two years. Countless other hookups. I have nothing else to live for. Maybe my death will hurt him like he hurt me. It will hurt them all. They’ll finally feel the pain they caused me. The pain I live in everyday.
I’m not going to leave a note. I’m not going to afford them that final explanation, that last kindness.
I’m going to buy it online, […]
Well what a good start since last week.All seems to be going down shit.Can’t find any roommate.The two people who were supposed to come never came.I had to call them and they told me “oh sorry about that but we found something else”.Thanks for the call…Next I had my internet and phone ordered up but they never activated my line.I had received the router and all and they told me on the phone that my order was inexistant…
A girl then came to visit the rooms I had for rent just to be gone after only 5 min,sighing all along and giving that fucking glare everyone […]
For people like me.
I feel so isolated in my thoughts and beliefs.
I long to know people who feel the same way I do.
I want a stranger to converse with, someone to hold my hand through the journey.
Maybe I’d think different if I wasn’t so alone?
Maybe I just need people in my life to make my life exciting.
About a week ago, I felt like maybe the medication was helping. Â I smiled, unconsciously, for possibly the first time in years. Â And for a couple days I felt maybe it was possible for me to be happy. Â But a couple of days is all that I get, before I’m miserable again. Â I really don’t know if I have the energy to pick up the pieces again.