Today is one of my down days. A down day is a day I give myself when I’m so tired and full of energy at the same time. I’m sad but can’t express. Happy but can’t express. It’s a day I force myself into the depths to force myself to release this sewer ride i’m trapped in.
THe love/sex music blasting in my ear because it saddens me, the steely gaze as I type on this screen. The pencil and paper I have to draw. Regardless of this down time my thoughts are always the same at the end of the day. Express myself to the fullest as I can muster because i don’t have much time left. 7yrs left. 7yrs. I’m still working on getting employed. I’m not holding my breath for it. I continue to bust ass in the garden and house chores. I continue to bust ass studying this language. I’m busting ass so i can hopefully take myself out of this world without being viewed as selfish. As being a coward. I’m only a coward if I don’t succeed. I’ve been through a lot like many.
Maybe i’m calling on a pitty party, but i don’t feel like a shitty party. I just want to float fly crawl away into that of which I fear and accept at the same time. That’s the sad thing. I fear death and yet accept it at the same time. If it comes take me however you need. I’ll be human in my final hours until it’s over. I’d lie if i said it would be painless. Life is fun of pain and joy. Full of peace and unrest. Full of life and death. It’s full of opportunity and yet so lacking. I trully dislike the cards life has given me and dammit I’m trying and I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to cry anymore. No smiling. I no longer feel like succeeding in anything anymore, or failing though failure is inevitable if your heart no longer wants to participate.
I think about those who will hurt when I’m gone. It’ll hurt like hell I know. Just like when my aunt aka cousin passed away in her old age. Her death as well as all the other elders deaths taught me something. Life is unfair, insane, unreliable. It’s cold towards the edge and it takes too long to travel to the core to find warmth. My mom and dad are ill, my brother is ill, my nieces and cousins are all far away. If i could go away so far and not hurt them it would be great. Impossible. Thanks to the media and advanced technology i’d be found in a heart beat.
I’m in conflict with myself daily still. Trying to stay numb. I have to. If i express in public i’ll have to bare with what my heart feels. Fear. Humiliation. Palpatations. My heart is breaking. The doctor is working to find out what’s wrong with it. It won’t be long till the understand this heart is suffering badly. It’s lonely even if i reach out, It’s untrusting even if I open myself up, It’s cold even when I try to pull out and express warmth. It’s tired. I’m tired. I know I won’t experience much like everyone in this life. I’m starting to accept this and starting to cast eyes away from it. I don’t want to love anymore because I understand with love their is always pain whether great or not. I can’t handle much more pain before either my heart gives out or I give up. Not much time and not many options but I’m being emptily positive by moving forward. I don’t believe a future exists anymore. And slowly the past is starting to disappear. I’m being more and more present and it’s starting to hurt worse and worse as even more reality that isn’t real comes before my eyes.
I have a little savings i’m carrying to buy this beautiful utility knife set from the Depot of Home. It has a rubber grip and I believe a clip. It has 10 blade refills. If it passes my inspection I’ll get it for myself. The loose blade for the bicep and the utility knife itself for helping with repairs things i do. Cutting trimmer line, Cutting a shape into paper. Opening a box. I know what I need it for. I do feel fear if my doctor finds the cuts on my bicep. I may need to find a place she won’t inspect. Sadly my forearms are my chosen canvas. It’s a blank slate ready to feel what it used to feel. I’m tired of holding in this urge. I’d rather cut then beat myself in the head. Haven’t done either for years though my head a had a few blows last year. My doctor knows but I’ve been denied by the insurance to get that CAT i need because I can’t explain why. I feel the effects of that. It’s why I need to go back to my canvas. clean. healed after 5years. Though if you look hard enough you can see the old scars.
I used to cut over girls when I was younger. I wasn’t loved. I know why. I don’t have love within myself. I don’t have the energy to recultivate that. I just keep it simple. Bringing love to yourself is a lot harder than giving to another. You show your love in subtle ways. Through your actions, through your touch, through cooking, through doing your housely chores, through working, through spending time. Through words also. Through just simple appreciation. This doesn’t work so easily turned inwards.
I remember a sentence from something i ran across a while back. Do things you would do with a partner with yourself. Go on a date. By yourself that item. Watch a movie and laugh your heart out. Take yourself to dinner. Take that trip overseas or cross state. Hunt for an apartment. Buy that first house. Buy a dog. Watch tv. Self pleasure. Cook yourself a delicious meal. Pamper yourself. Be selfish for once. Eat better. Exercise. Take long walks on the beach. Take a road trip. Go skinny dipping. Dance to silly songs. Learn something knew. Get to know yourself better.
I’ve done this and honestly. For myself only. It’s still quite lonely. I happen to like sharing things I have. I have no problem compromising within limits. I don’t mind having my own postive friends. I don’t mind giving space when needed. I don’t mind taking out trash. I don’t mind chores. As long as we SHARE together. I’m in the wrong era.
It’s ok. That’s why I need that blade. To help me cope with this hopeless reality. Reality hurts. No one said it was easy. No one said it was going to be fun. It’s a lot of hard work and perseverance. It’s a lot of courage and self confidence. It takes a lot of yourself to live this life to it’s fullest. Old soul or not I’ve seen and felt enough. Even if life gets better i’d be a dunder head to not think it won’t get worse really fast. My joys are very short. They say this helps you appreciate them better. Yea. Ok. I’m trully thankful but that doesn’t really mean much. Because it just is. Why do I have to be content with just is? Because if life just is then we’re wasting our times achieving. If you have a flame that says that’s not true then go out and prove to yourself only that you’re right. live it, breathe it, eat it and love it. Life is what we make it. And soon in 7yrs I will make it so. I’ll make it mine for 1 day.
7 comments
Yeah i wish i could say otherwise, but you’re right life is hard, cold, bitter, we’re dropped off in a world we don’t understand without direction, that’s true for any man, but on top of that there are some who are give additional burdens to bare: povery,illness,lonliness etc. In the end all we can do is keep trying or give up. There are indeed beautiful things in this world, more than i could possibly enumerate. Though it’s understandable when we can”t find the strength to keep moving through the bad times and into the good.
I don’t know what to say, why are you going to die in 7 years? From what i understood it seems like in the mean time you’re going to try and make the best of it. That’s good keep being strong, it sounds like you have been until now. Try to see beauty where ever you can.
I was originally going to off myself when i turned 21 as a pact i made with a friend who was going through the same thing i was though on opposite ends of the earth. I was depressed for years because of middle school and high school bullying. My parents verbal abuse which they avoid when I express to them how i felt back then and still do. Add to that a lot of near death experiences I’ve had, love rejection and my own mistakes. I’ve gotten to the point in my life where nothing is real anymore but I’m too afraid to stop the charade.
If i get into an accident I won’t hate it. I know I may scream or cry out. I’m human. But I really don’t want to keep going. I know to much. I’ve seen too much. And though when i leave my house I wear a smile and release unto the world my childlike curiosity and mind, the truth is inside…I”m dying painfully and slowly. I’m dying because I’m lonely, I”m dying because I no longer feel or see hope. I’m dying because I know now that life will not ever be peaceful. Without evil peace wouldn’t even exist so I’ve accepted that. That and that I just no longer want to experience anymore. I don’t want to love anymore. I don’t want to be alive to just be alive or express that I exist when slowly and surely it feels like i don’t no matter the pain I feel.
I am keeping going. I see beauty even when I’m like this which is everyday. Everyday is the same and at the same time it’s not the same. I try to wipe my memory and pretend i never saw this day and like a child I’m wowed by the simplest things. The breeze on my face, the chirp of birds, the creek of crickets. The crash of cars, the burning of rubber on motor cycles. I take life in everyday. I take it in because eventually. Surely. it will be gone. I have no control and even if i did my choice would go to one thing. I just don’t want to feel the pain that comes with happiness.
Lastly. Because i know all of this. Because I understand so deeply. Even on my clearest days I understand. I realize that “A strong person keeps fighting, a wise man knows when to give up”- me. I know all the truths only in terms of my experiences and then adding everyone elses life experience and realize. This is not a fight I really want to fight. If i don’t kill myself when i turn 30…Then I don’t know what else to do. The only thing that really keeps me here is not other people. Not any animal. Not any flower. It’s the fact that if I die….I will be sent back here until I finish it naturally. And if i find an inkling that that’s true then i need to keep cutting as an option because i have a long time to go after 30. A very long time.
I’m sorry to hear that you no longer have the desire/ability to hope or love. I won’t patronize you with proselytization, but what did you mean when you said “if i die i will be sent back here until i finish it naturally.”?
Since I’m mostly spiritual but not religious I’ve taken things to guide me from various religions and hold them close as my own personal morals to live by. When i wasn’t so destroyed i believed in reincarnation. When you die you come back as another person or animal or something. It could depend on how you lived your life. Or you enjoyed life and wanted to go back on the ride of life as another person different than yourself. If you were black you may want to experience life as an asian man or woman. May you were short and wanted to be tall. Maybe you’re lesbian, trans or hetero. Maybe you’re ambitious, maybe you’re simple. I believe in that.
I had thoughts to live out my life with a loving wonderful wife by my side when i reached high school. We’d get married till death do we part and we’d work through our differences and use them to compliment each other. We’d learn and grow together through out our lives. We’d respect each other private times, we’d enjoy ourselve in each others company. We’d travel to places that interest us or pick up our lives and travel the open world and treat it as an adventure. And while everyone’s running with their heads cut off we’d be grounded, but fluid. We’d be open, but have boundaries, we’d be independant and co-depandant. We’d give love and it would be endless. If my wife fell ill I’d take care of her best i knew how. If she was sad I’d ask her what’s wrong. I’d help her work through it.
I grew up from that dream and faced reality. And if reincarnation is real I don’t want to come back and struggle all over again. If I die all I’d want to go is to my own personal heaven if it’s possible. That’s all…
I appreciate you listening to me babble on. And it’s trully alright i enjoy questions. I don’t mind sharing.
By the way I like the word proselytization you said. It’s a new word to add to my vocabulary. Thank you.
Not at all, i enjoy hearing peoples stories and trying to help however i can or just listen. That’s why i’m on this site. I know i said i wouldn’t but i just want to say that i really i do hope that you’ll continue trying to find the things that your heart was searching for. You never know, tomorrow you could meet someone or find something that makes you want to stay here in ths life for as long as you can. Just keep an open mind okay? : )
And you’re welcome i like that word to. 😛
I’ll make sure to add your kind words to my basket of hope. The uncertainty of life. Doesn’t fit me. But I have no problem till I’m 30 collecting positives. If I hit 30 and have something to live for I’ll remember the people who stopped to listen, to those who gave advice, to those who related, and to those who tried but don’t understand. My mind remembers a lot so it’ll remember this. Thank you