To Die Alone

“I wish I were with you, but I couldnt stay. Every direction leads me away. Pray for tomorrow, but for today, All I want is to be home. Stand in the mirror, You look the same. Just looking for shelter from cold and the pain. Someone to cover, safe from the rain. All I want is to be home. Echoes and silence, Patience and grace. All of these moments, I’ll never replace. No fear of my heart, Absence of faith. All I want is to be home. People I’ve loved, I have no regrets. Some I remember, Some I forget. Some of them living, Some of them dead. All I want, is to be home.”

I tried to kill myself last night. I’ve tried so many times in my life, but the last 2 times I’ve tried, I should have died. There is no question in my mind that I shouldn’t be alive… No one should be able to survive after how many sleeping pills I took last night while attempting to drink my memories away… So why am I? How was I able to wake up? What purpose does me living do other than cause pain and sadness within my long, tangled web of lies?

Is it worse to die.. or to think that you’re going to die so you talk to someone while you think you’re fading away.. only to wake up and realize you told someone close to you something you never should have? I apparently was talking to my boyfriend last night.. I told him what I did and why.. but at one point, I got scared and asked him to help me… His reaction was surprising. He said “Well, then I guess this is goodbye” and “What the fuck am I gunna do, I’m at work!” Eventually, his reaction hurt me so much that I told him I would be okay, even though at that point it was hard to even type. He came back with “I’m so fucking pissed. You need to go to bed. If you don’t show up for work tomorrow, we are done!” and “If you ever pull any shit like this again, we are though!” Some people have such thick, emotional walls… Who in their right mind would talk to someone like that who was in the process of killing themselves?! What lack of empathy..compassion..kindness… it was almost cruel. I read what he said and felt a little better about the fact my computer screen kept fading away. Sadly, I woke up this morning to find I lost my job, I’m late for rent, and my boyfriend is very angry with me still.

That is a good example of why I’m usually the only one who knows how deep my depression goes. Why would you want to tell someone that you’re angry or sad enough to end your own life? Maybe you’re trying to ask for help… just choose wisely in whom you decide to tell because sometimes, it makes it so much worse. Now I’m sitting on the window sill, alone in a huge house, listening to every song I can think if that reminds me of everything I’m going through, and writing to you all because I have no one else anymore.