When the Shit Hits the Fan…
September 12th, 2012 by louise50I’m bipolar and have had many episodes of psychosis since I was diagnosed at age 29 (I’m now 50).
I had a son as a result of promiscuous behaviour while psychotic.
That son spent many years in foster care, because I was too ill to care for him alone, and had little support (his dad also had mental health problems, plus drug addiction, and was never involved…)
That son is now 16 and has come back to haunt me.
He stayed with me for three days a week ago, having run away from the most recent foster placement. He doesn’t wash, bath, brush his teeth or change into clean clothes. He is a terribly fussy eater who doesn’t seem to like healthy food. He seems to feel a sense of entitlement, and that he can sit and do absolutely nothing while others work to care for him. There is no recognition, no appreciation, no gratitude, no acknowledgement of what anyone does for him. He refuses school and college, which he has not attended properly for two years.
The last day that he was here, he repeatedly told me to kill myself. Not in the heat of an argument, but quite calmly, and smiling and laughing as he did so. I called the police on him and they contacted social services who returned him to his foster placement.
He is a Jekyll and Hyde, who can be very charming and seem perfectly reasonable. But as soon as he feels in any way challenged, he responds with bitterness, rage and verbal abuse (to my Mum and myself).
Since he stayed with me and it all broke down again (like the last time he was here) I have felt depressed and grieving. I fear and despair for his future. He is developing no life skills, and has opted out of education. He is just a parasite on others. I also fear the demands on me, of having an adult child who has no life whatsoever…no friends, no education, no skills, nothing except a laptop, Xbox and Ipod. He listens to hip hop and has an interest in animals, and that’s about it.
I also have a partner who smokes a lot of marijuana and is continually on me to give him money for it. I feel that I am dependent on his help and care getting through my days, so I give him more than I can afford, when the relationship should surely just mean that we help each other without expecting a return.
I know all the ‘shoulds’. I ‘should’ regain my self-respect enough to kick out the partner. I have tried to do just this, many times over. But something inside me feels so weak and helpless. He gives me companionship and support, something I have never felt before to this extent. Living independently when you have serious mental health problem that affect every aspect of your life is so damn hard.
The situation is complicated even more by the fact that my partner also has serious mental health problems. In many ways he is even worse off than me, yet he is motivated to go on living, while I often am not… He feels there is no enjoyment in his life however, hence the marijuana. He is in total and complete denial that he has a problem, and any attempt on my part to discuss economies we might make is met with defensive anger on his part. He’ll say I’m trying to ‘put the blame on him’, just as his family used to do before he cut off all contact with them.
My situation really sucks, and if there was an easy way out, I would have taken it long ago. Reading stories here continually reminds me that there are others in similarly awful situations, or even worse. A painless and peaceful suicide is a contradiction in terms, pretty much. It’s a dream. There is no way out other than to keep taking the next step in the hope of a better day…
Love and peace.
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Hi Zoe. Your situation is most definitely a complicated one, but I don’t think it’s unsolvable or that suicide is the only way out for you. Your description of your relationship with your partner and son leaves me with a couple of questions and observations. My first observation is that you are essentially buying your partner’s ‘help and care’. Through giving him money for his vices and whatnot. My question is… Is your partner actually doing anything to help and support you, or is it just the fact that he has seemingly accepted you, problems and all, that makes you want him around? You know all the ‘shoulds’ and I think what’s preventing you from giving him the boot, is that you’re afraid of being alone and not ever being able to find someone that will ‘accept’ you again. You need to weigh your options. What are the pros and cons of living with this man. Try to set aside your dependence on him and look at it more objectively. He seems to be sucking you dry, and, in a way, sucking the happiness and life out of you. But that’s just what I’m gathering from this particular post. Is he really so motivated to go on living when he smokes so much marijuana to escape the realities life? That’s not living, that is escape. Escape is nice, yeah, but it’s not the same thing as actually living life.On to your son… It seems as if not having his parents as permanent figures in his life and being continually shuffled around from foster home to foster home has really screwed him up, for lack of a better word. Which, it isn’t your fault – you didn’t ask to have mental health problems. Or to have no support from your son’s father. I think the foster care system has really failed him. I know you’re empathetic, Zoe, so you must know how badly all of that has effected your son. I think he’s, obviously, a very angry young man. I’m sure he’s hard to get through to, and hard to have a serious, civil conversation with. I’ve seen your comments to other young people on here, including your comments to me, and I wonder if you’ve tried the same approaches with your son. Looking at it from his point of view, and starting off that way. I think his attitude can be changed, but with a lot of hard work and dedication to him. I think he needs to be *taught* some of those things he’s lacking, because he might not have been before. Or maybe all of it was undone through foster care. I think perhaps he’s acting out to seek attention, but not necessarily in a bad way. He might need a certain kind of attention, but he’s seeking it in the wrong way.Or, I could be completely and totally wrong, but I just thought I’d share my observations or assumptions. Maybe you could find something in there; I hope. You know your situation better than anyone on here does, after all. Also, I’m sorry if I said anything to disrespect or offend. Not my intention. Last thing, you have the support of people on SP, if all else fails. Much love, Zoe.
.. to say your sun has issues is an understatement. I don’t know Louis, I’d rather you save yourself first, somehow.
hmm tough life u r having… i dont know what to say… i been bipolar too.. the same when a fight got worse with my mother i too many a times told my mother to die…. but once i got treatment with lithium carbonate(300 mg a day) i got a control over my abnormal brain… now i regret ever having fights with my mom.. i love her just like a son would his mother.. so my point is ur son must surely love u deep inside.. its just the neurotransmitters in his brain is firing in an abnormal way.. i believe he will come to his real self when he gets proper treatment… take him to a good psychatrist…
i forgot i also suffer from schizophrenia.. so i take a clozapine 100 mg also each day..
Thanks for your responses 853 and Shefeek. It’s good to know that someone has read my sad tale and recognises the pain in it. I wish bipolar illness wasn’t such a massive issue for me, but it has devastated my life many, many times over, and my son is living proof of how I failed as a mother. He doesn’t seem to have ever felt loved. If he had, surely he would be able to show himself a little love and respect instead of trying his best to opt out of life altogether. He seems full of hatred and resentment.
It’s quite possible, Shefeek, that he has an as yet diagnosed mental health problem. He has had appoinments made for him with a psychiatrist (adolescent service), and always promises to go but when the time comes he refuses to go because he is ‘not in the mood’, tired or some other facile excuse. He seems to live entirely in the moment. It might be better if he WAS really suffering. The awful thing is, he seems weirdly ‘happy’, content and comfortable doing just what he is doing.
As you say 853, I do have to try and save myself. Today I have group therapy which I missed three weeks running. If I can just get there today, I will have achieved something important for myself. Of course the very last thing I want to do is face other people in this state of mind. But go I must…
Cos no matter how everything seems to fall apart, life must go on.
your being codependent with your son.Hes either got to ship up or ship out before he drags you down with him
Louise what your son is going through is perfectly normal given his situation. Try to understand it from his perspective. He feels abandoned and unsafe. He is more than likely suffering from mental illness himself and it seems as though he has had very little support. Giving up on him again or even seeking justification to give up on him is not the answer. Getting him some much needed help is.What your son has become is a result of what has been forced upon him by the people who are responsible for his being here.
louise, u have to let him get treated without his knowing… let a psychiatrist observe him for a couple of days indirectly… u can say him its one of ur friends.. let the psychiatrist decide what kind of treatment he needs.. if he says ur son needs medicine u can give ur son medicine without his knowing… u can mix in foods or something like that.. but be extremely cautious since anti psychotic medicines are very powerful and have a lot of side effects.. medicine should always be the last effort…
I disagree tht u should ty to treat yr son without his knowing. Firstly it’s totally unethical. Secondly if he finds out he will never trust to again.
Sorry Louise. Your son sounds like a sociopath. At this point I wonder if it’s better to step away from the relationship for a while, hopefully he will mature, but with u around he will just continue to manipulate you.
U said before u love yr partner despite everything. So how much of this post is a symptom of bipolar?
Thank you so much GoodGirl, Passionfruit, Abby and One_Day, for your comments.
Shefeek, thanks for the advice, but I agree with One_Day. I doubt if a psychiatrist would agree to treat my son without him knowing, and I would be entirely against that idea.
Sadly I agree with One_Day. I think he is sociopathic.
You are right One_Day…this post may be symptomatic of bipolar, just as my other ones have been.
Abby I also take on board what you say, that in some ways my son’s behaviour is understandable given his situation. I don’t however agree, that his choices have been forced on him. That view seems to negate the element of free will that we all have…
GoodGirl, thank you so much for your comment, it seems to come from a place of kindness and concern, and doesn’t offend me at all. Regarding my son, sometimes it seems we are just too close to family members to see the wood for the trees. He has now gone to foster care to a lady who is skilled in ‘tough love’ and her husband. It seems to me that we his family are not the right ones to help him rehabilitate into society at this point. We are too emotionally involved and he is an arch manipulator.
Regarding my partner, it is true that I don’t want to be alone. It is true that my self-esteem is so low that I tend to ‘buy’ love and attention…this is not the first time, tho’ it is the first time that the relationship has continued to the long term. I can’t help just feeling grateful that someone is there who accepts me warts and all. I do believe he has helped me to stay ‘well’ over the last year. I have a feeling I would have landed in the hospital this time around if it weren’t for him…
Gppd point, that my partner is escaping life through smoking marijuana. He has only been doing it for the last three months. When we first got together he was clean off all drugs and alcohol. I had deep misgivings when I found out.
What I have done so far is not to kick him out again but to make new stipulations if he is to stay with me. I said he is on no account to do any work around the house, unless there is a specific task I ask him to do, in which case I will pay him. He stays here rent free, eating my food and using my electricity…that should be more than enough generosity on my part. I’m putting my foot down in terms of money changing hands.
One last point I should mention is that part of my bipolar illness is that when I am manic I usually get exploited financially by someone. The rest of the time I am rather good with money, and am pretty much never broke.
Anyway, I got to group therapy today. It was good…I had a chance to tell the group the story of why I was absent for three weeks. It really felt good to get it off my chest and have the group listen.
Thanks everyone. Zoe x
wow cant believe you snitched on your own son
Dethfoto…if you knew my son you probably would believe it…