Survived…

September 30th, 2012 by silent survivor

Well on the 27th i was on my way to school around 8:15am when i was hit by a bus…yes a BUS and i survived, at first it was no biggie thank god it was only turning a corner so it wasn’t going fast enough to kill me…i think? Anyways i got away with a minor head wound, bruising on my foot even though the bus ran over it alittle,no bones were broken and scrapes on my ear where the bus had it me. Everyone’s been telling me how lucky i am to even be alive or to be standing and stuff and at first i was kind of happy that i survived but now…days have passed and i am filled with a depression, i want to die and i should have but i want to and i am trying not to take this chance for granted but it’s hard when you keep on going back to that one place in your mind that just wants to be free. Thats another thing, i don’t want to die because i hate my life or because it sucks, i don’t know why i want to die, it’s compicated, how can you explain to a therapist that you want to die because you want to be free? That every morning when you wake up you feel like a bird with clipped wings stuck in a cage? Thats how i feel, and i just want to break free and the only way to do that apparently is to die.

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4 Responses to “Survived…”

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  1. I hear you.

    I was hit by a truck while walking on the side of a country road and had no broken bones, only cracked ribs. I was thankful not to be hurt worse. But do I want to live? That’s a good question.

  2. You make a good point about wanting to “be free”. I think that’s all most people on this board really want. Being free may mean different things to different people but I think for a lot of us here it means being free of the pain that awaits us every waking second we walk the earth. You can call freeing yourself suicide or exiting the earth or whatever, but what it boils down to is a release from the pain.

  3. Freedom, amazing concept, brilliant feeling, the ultimate accomplishment so to speak. Freedom would be having the ability to jus do wat you want to wenever you want to regardless of the consequences, but then we constrict our selves to suicide and taking that freedom away from ourselves. I tell you this, live your life for a day without worry about conseqence and just do whatever you want to and see how you feel and you will realise how much of light you can bring into your life. Look its win win, I mean if offing yourself is your option then what do you have to loose by livinng one day the way you want to without concern of the results. Just do it and then let me know how you feel afterwards. I look forward to hearing from you. :-)

  4. But maybe the pain won`t be gone what then. What if life is a dream and your the creator of that dream just with biological and chemical laws. thoughts create reality. If you want to die to release anguish and emotional suffering, much like what im going through, then it would be called freedom. But what do we really know about freedom. We all live in the false self, the ego manifesting itself as our beliefs and our ideals. Step back for a second and realize we are all part of each other we are all “god“ creating our own reality, which is just a bunch of thoughts. Maybe all that thinking and believing will be for naught if we accept ourselves more and quite down those thoughts of suicide. However, i know thats extremely difficult…i mean i say this but i still want to die..every single day. You dont need people, you can live alone and be just as happy. Its just emotions, which are thoughts that are self aware. If you start becoming more aware by meditating and being more mindful to who you are then it would change your reality. im trying this. but it takes a long time and you cant expect results.

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