My will to live is depleting

October 31st, 2012 by ShesGone

I’ve been suicidal for two years, but during those two years I had reasons to keep going. Yeah, those reasons were few and far between, but they were there. I have virtually no reason to live anymore. I can’t drag people down. My friends – they don’t know about this. They didn’t much know about my self-harm (well, not purposely. If it was my choice they wouldn’t know at all), and they don’t know much about my ED. I find all of this, all of what I’m going though, humiliating. I’m not this person. I never was. I used to be so happy, and I was the one cheering up others. I couldn’t stand to see anyone upset. I guess that saying that those who help are most likely going through even worse problem than those they are trying to cheer up. I can’t keep going if I have no reason to keep going….and I don’t. Everything is gone. I’m not going to put my friends through drama by telling them. I don’t want pity. I don’t want them to think differently of who I am. I had one friend that I had met on a suicide forum. He has no clue what he has meant to me. He’s getting better. His life is moving on and I refuse to bring him down. We used to talk daily, then I went on a hiatus for a few days. Things changed in his life (for the better), and he began getting busy. I’m telling him tomorrow that I think it’s best that we stop emailing each other because it eats at me inside knowing that I could possibly be bringing him down with what I’m going through. I like to think I’ve really helped him because when we first became friends he was constantly down on himself, talked about death and suicide often, and was rarely happy. Then I noticed his messages became filled with happiness and laughter and joking. He told me I managed to make him happy somehow. I can’t do this to him anymore, so I’m telling him goodbye. As for my family, they are all moving on with their lives. My sisters are doing amazing things, and my parents are working to have everything they want *and deserve*. I’m not one to complain. My family and friends are great, yet my life is complete shit because of one factor: me. So by taking myself out of it, I imagine how happy they’d be. I can’t get attached to anyone anymore because I’m just going to end up hurting them. Anyways, I’m still here, but I’m wavering on the edge and counting my days.

I hope all of you guys find a reason to live.

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3 Responses to “My will to live is depleting”

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  1. Your friends and family would NOT be happier if you were dead. Your worth more than you think. If I were to give you a suggestion, I’d say write a list of things that bring joy to your life, and tape it up somewhere that you will see it. Find a reason to keep moving on, if not for your sake than for your friends and family, because they love you.
    Stay Strong <3

  2. All I can say is try to get help. I just recently got some help from a general practitioner. I have always been against trying anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications, but I found myself so broke down and unable to deal with the stress of everyday life I felt I had no other option. Getting to the point, medication is the answer sometimes. It helps you express yourself. The effect is gradual and before you are aware you are no longer dwelling on the things that made life so hard.

    You need to think long and hard about your symptoms. Be ready to spill your guts. Do not think the doc is judging you because you are paying him to help you. If you need help with the bill tell your parents you’re feeling very sick. The fact is you need to do whatever you can to get into the doctor’s office. Once you have met with your doctor and started your medication you need to keep one thing in mind; you need to be patient. Let the medication set in. Try new things.

  3. Everything you just said reminds me of me. I’ve self harmed myself for awhile now, I didn’t tell any of my friends for the longest time because I didn’t want their opinions to change about me, I didn’t want them to see me and get all sympathetic, I wanted things to stay the same, not my situation but my friendships. Even when my friends did find out, they didn’t say anything to try to cheer me up, or anything, whenever my wrist starts to show, I hide it away and I’m pretty sure they notice too but again don’t say anything. I think my friends are just as afraid of confrontations as I am.
    So, Believe me when I say I feel similar to what your feeling, maybe not as complex, but similiar none the less.
    I’m not trying to change your mind, but I should, that’s the decent thing to do, but I’m going to respect what you feel you want. but I’m just going to say, the world will lose another angel. you may not think so, and I may not think that of myself. but I believe that’s true.

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