I am really in need of some UNBIASED advice, and help;

November 30th, 2012 by SilverDuck

Like I said, I am not looking for anybody’s opinion on myself, or any of my decisions. Nobody hates me more than me, so it would be a ridiculous waste of time. I have completely lost the will to live. And I mean that in the most serious way possible. Not because something bad just happened in my life. I just flat out do not want to be alive anymore. I don’t see a real reason to be, either. I am the literal definition of “useless”. I am a complete waste of space. I am probably denying somebody who deserves life precious air, and food. Well, no more! It’s been an issue I’ve been dealing with since I was 16 years old. I have had a few half-assed attempts in the past, but nothing really serious. Those were the normal “girlfriend left me, fuck it. Gonna swallow every pill in reach!” kind of attempts. What I am feeling now is far, FAR beyond that. I am not actually upset at anything anymore. I don’t think I can feel anything, much less anger or pain. I really am just sick of wasting everybody’s time, energy, money, etc. I say it is a waste because it really is. People investing in me is fucking pointless since I wont be alive long enough to really use it. So I wanna get out now, before costing more people even more money.

 

I don’t have access to a gun. If I did, I wouldn’t be here typing this post. I wish I did, but I don’t. I also do not want to put anybody else in any danger. I only want to hurt myself, not other people. So I will be doing none of that “cop suicide” that seems so popular on TV. What would be the easiest, cheapest, most painless way to go about this? I really need to get it done before Monday. I figure there is no time like the present. I don’t have a lot of cash, either. I do live with my aunt, and I will not do anything to physically put her in danger. Is there a relatively cheap, painless way that I can end everything with before Monday morning? Something that is easily accessible to the average 23 year old male living in the US.

 

Again, I am not looking to be “saved”, or “helped”. If I thought there was any hope, I wouldn’t even be thinking this, would I? As much as I appreciate anybody telling me that I am not worthless, it doesn’t mean much if you don’t even know me. I have been absolutely obsessed with dying for 3 weeks now. And I mean absolutely obsessed. It is all I think about. I spend all fucking day and night researching suicide stories, etc. I am only scared that I am not scared, if that makes any sense. My girlfriend of 3 years did leave me a few weeks ago, which kind of threw me over the edge, but this was a LONG time in the making. I always knew that I would eventually lose her, and I always knew that it would also be the end of my life. She really was the only think making it bearable. I wasn’t anywhere near “happy” or even “content”, but at least I had a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. She is gone now, and she knows what I will be doing. It wasn’t any huge secret that my entire life is a joke, and that I will not choose to continue through it alone. We have talked about it for hours upon hours, at least 15 times in the last 3 years. I always made sure that she didn’t feel obligated to be with me out of pity, or guilt. I don’t believe she was. I believe she started being unhappy with me within the last 2 months. She knows me better than anybody else alive, and she actually understands it. I am leaving everything I own to her. At least she wont have to worry about me getting in the way of her life, or worrying about if I am alive or dead. It will be freedom for her, and myself.

 

Sorry, got off track there. Anyway, I am not completely opposed to a painful method, as long as it is also quick, and guaranteed. I do NOT wanna walk away from this one. Any advice, ideas, links, etc. will be VERY appreciated. Thank you!

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8 Responses to “I am really in need of some UNBIASED advice, and help;”

Most recent comments shown, ordered chronologically on the page.

  1. A guy parked his car in front of an Amtrack train yesterday and it killed him. I’ve been thinking about that since I saw the report on TV.

  2. Really? Wow… The only issue I have with that is causing problems for anybody but myself. Like, doing damage to the train, and somebody else having to suffer in any way because of it. Also, if his car was new, and not paid off, he left his family to pay the dealership. See what I mean? I’m not looking to go out in a bang, or anything. Just wanna go out peacefully, and quietly.

  3. Dear Silver Duck
    You are not interested in being saved but for a moment consider what you said. You don’t want to put anyone in danger such as “your aunt” so have you considered the after math of your death? The emotional danger that your suicide can cause to a person’s emotional health?
    I suppose that your emotional pain would be ended just as soon as your heart stops beating and your breathing is no more…….but it’s then that the affects of your death become the deep pain for someone else.
    At this point you’d have to admit that you don’t care about their pain because in reality your own pain feels so unbearable.
    The reason people get to the point of feeling that the best solution is death is because when in the midst of deep pain we cannot bring our minds to the point of seeing the pain ever ending.
    I don’t know you and I don’t care if you don’t believe in prayer or God but I’m going to be praying for you for the rest of this weekend for your pain to let up through the healing of your heart and I hope so much that you’ll see your future beyond this day.

  4. waste of space hun no. if you were a waste of space i wouldnt be here talkin you out of this. I dont know you, i might not ever laugh, or cry, dance or smile with you, but you are someone id like to do these things with. so if someone wants to do these things with you are you a waste of space? or are you wanted an loved by someone who cares?

  5. I feel you SilverDuck. The pointlessness, the futility of anyone investing their time, money, or even interest in you. I wonder if you’ve also felt what I have.

    …That sense of self-hatred when all you want, all you think about is death, but you’re too much of a coward to do it. When your fantasies and dreams at night are how wonderful it would be to just end it.
    You want to die, but you can’t. And you hate yourself for being a coward, and want to die even more.

    Just thought that…your post struck a common tone with me. I’m in the same place you are. I just need a gun. I need death. I need this to be over.
    Message me if you want someone to talk to.

  6. I felt this way when my boyfriend of 4 years passed away. I still feel so much pain and loneliness but bare through it idk how honestly. I know that we don’t have a choice to be born but to take everything one day at a time seems to help a bit..Are you interested in relating through art,a really good depressing movie, or music? That helps me sometimes maybe it might help you… Eyedea and Abilities has really good underground hip hop music to relate to and Death( Death metal band) has good music too look up the lyrics they might speak to you..Both of these artists are dead yet they still live..

  7. I appreciate all of the comments. They are all very well said. And I am sure they are mostly true.

    I didn’t want to go into too much detail, because I didn’t want this to turn into a pity party, or anything. I have had it incredibly rough, but there is ALWAYS someone worse off. I know that, I am not stupid. I am not even claiming that my actions here are justified in any way. I do strongly believe in one’s right to die, but very few people would actually be better off dead. There are the terminally ill, cancer patients. Once they get to the point that they know death is inevitable, they should have the decision to avoid any more pain. I am not comparing myself at all to the thousands of brave cancer patients, but we all know that psychological pain can be even worse than physical pain. Regardless of what is causing the pain… Shit that may sound dumb, and trivial to you may be life-shattering and excruciating for me.

    You all seem like a rather intelligent group of people, and your input is much appreciated. It is nice to actually have a real discussion with somebody. I just don’t have that in this life. My life is the joke it is because of me. I would NEVER try to blame that on anybody else. I also don’t want my death to be blamed on anyone but myself. I have just been literally obsessed. I don’t think about anything besides death. At first, I could only think about my girlfriend, Taylor. That was painful. VERY painful. I have a high tolerance for emotional and physical pain. I am covered head to toe in tattoos and piercings, and I have led a miserable life. The pain I felt when she just up and left after 3 years was unbelievable. I didn’t eat or sleep for a week straight. And I am already incredibly unhealthy, and underweight. I am addicted to opiates of any kind. Generally stayed away from H, but not all the time. Selling and consuming large amounts of oxycontin, morphine, Dilaudid, Opana, etc. Naturally, I became very unhealthy for those 3 years. Finally, my girlfriend gave me the ultimatum; get clean or lose me. At first, I was angry about it. I couldn’t believe what she was doing. She was always the one who helped pay for my habit, and she was the one who stayed up night after night when I was in withdrawals. But I couldn’t stand the thought of losing her, so I did it. Damn near 8 months clean now. All for her. She really was all I had. Mom died when I was 17 (I’m 23 now), and I had nobody else. No family, and no real friends. It was amazing that I survived for as long as I did, especially with the drugs and booze. I met Taylor 2 days after swallowing a few bottles of Tylenol (very impulsive, stupid decision). Immediately, I fell in love with her. I needed something to live for, and she was fucking perfect. Absolutely gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, and caring. So I gave it my absolute everything. I was 100% faithful to her, and we rarely even argued. She lived with me for the last 2 years. I bought her everything she ever wanted (I was pushing very large quantities of acid, mushrooms, pot, ecstacy, opiate, benzos, etc.). It was never a question… If she wanted something, there it was. She got it.

    Then I had to get clean. In order to do that, I cut off ties to EVERYONE. My clients, my hook-ups, and a lot of my friends. It didn’t bother me at all. She understood the money went with the drugs, and she said that I was the only thing she needed. I have never cared about money, or material objects. Probably from growing up with absolutely nothing. Taylor likes money, and things… And when I gave her those things, she was happy. When she was happy, I was happy. Everything depended on her. I knew it was wrong while it was happening, but I truly had nothing else. I HAD to put all my eggs in that one basket, so I did. She is just so wonderful… Not a lot of people would have stuck by during this point in my life. The dope sickness, the mood swings, etc. Like the angel she is, she stuck it out the entire time. For 2 years, I have made her only 2 promises. Promises I know I will never break, no matter what happens. The first is that I will never be with another person for as long as I live. She knows that. I have told her that hundreds of times, and I really meant it. Second was that I would not live without her in my life. It wasn’t said as a threat, or anything like that. She understood. She knew how much I relied on her, and she truly believed she felt the same way about me. I have no right to be angry or upset with her, though. I don’t blame her for leaving. Who wants to be with a broken, junkie 23 year old with absolutely NOTHING going for him? I used to hope that she would leave me at some point so that she could be happy and successful, like she fucking deserves. Knowing all that doesn’t make the agony any less prevalent, though.

    The girl is an absolute saint, and I miss her so much. It’s only been 3 weeks, but it has been the worst 3 weeks of my life. Like I said, I had made some half ass attempts before, but they were impulsive, and irrational. This time, though, it is for real. The countless hours I have sat up thinking about everything. Every angle, every possibility. It is disgusting… The only time I’ve felt not completely miserable is when I go through it in my mind. The only thing that scares me is that I am not scared at all. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything. And it IS for the best, no matter what you think. She deserves a real fucking chance in her life. I wish I was a good enough person to be able to let her walk away like that… Even though I wanted her to, it doesn’t make it less unbearable. I am mentally unstable, obviously. I already kicked the shit out of some 19 year old kid she was with the other night. I just can’t take the pain. I need her to be okay, though. Me being gone is honestly for the best. I have nothing to offer but more problems for her, and she knows there’s no reason for me to stay. She obviously wont admit that, but she hasn’t denied it, either. I just want to rest. I want the agony to end, and I want her to stand a real fucking chance. I know that people would assume it was her fault, because of something she did. I spent hours writing a testament kind of thing explaining myself, and defending her. I have had COUNTLESS people hit me up to tell me how much of a bitch she is for doing this, etc. People who don’t know what they are talking about. I have defended her tooth and nail nonstop. I take responsibility for my own joke of a life. She made it bearable for 3 years. She deserves a fucking metal for that. She knows how much I love her, and I know that she must care about me, deep down. Even if she can’t admit that now. She has been so mean, and hurtful since doing this. It just isn’t her. Going out of her way to say mean shit to me, to hurt me even more. I have turned her into a bad person who gets off on other peoples’ pain. I need to be gone, for her own sake as much as mine.

    My mind is made up. I would prefer something quiet, and painless, but I will do whatever I have to. I wont be alive on Monday morning, and that’s a promise. I would like to avoid as much physical pain as possible, but it doesn’t even matter at this point. No physical pain could possibly come close to this torture. This sick fucking joke of an existence. I am a bad person, and I have a bad life because of that. I get what I deserve. I am a piece of shit. I’m a junkie loser that nobody ever truly cared about. Every time I hear about good, innocent people dying it infuriates me. Why them, when a fucked in the head loser like me is around, who doesn’t even want his life? Why the FUCK are they dying, and I am not? I would give absolutely anything to prevent somebody who deserves their life from dying. I have caused a lot of people a lot of pain, and now I am paying for that.

  8. As far as my religious beliefs, I was raised Catholic. And I am aware of what suicide means in that faith. I have searched for the correct choice for most of my life. I have been to all of it. 7th day, all the way to Temple. Looking for something that feels right, and resonates with me. I never found it. I have beliefs, but they aren’t very popular, I guess. I am fully prepared for what the after life might bring me. An eternity of burning in hell, paradise, or nonexistence… I don’t care either way. I just need to get out of THIS existence.

    So, can somebody please help me? I made another thread asking some questions about an exit bag. If anyone has any advice or knowledge to share, that would be fucking awesome of you. If you don’t feel comfortable helping with that, I completely understand. And I appreciate the time you take to read all of this, and reply to it. I wish it was possible for me to change my mind, but it isn’t. I am being straight up with all of you… It isn’t going to change. I don’t want to waste anybodies time.

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