November 30th, 2012by SilverDuck
Like I said, I am not looking for anybody’s opinion on myself, or any of my decisions. Nobody hates me more than me, so it would be a ridiculous waste of time. I have completely lost the will to live. And I mean that in the most serious way possible. Not because something bad just happened in my life. I just flat out do not want to be alive anymore. I don’t see a real reason to be, either. I am the literal definition of “useless”. I am a complete waste of space. I am probably denying somebody who deserves life precious air, and food. Well, no more! It’s been an issue I’ve been dealing with since I was 16 years old. I have had a few half-assed attempts in the past, but nothing really serious. Those were the normal “girlfriend left me, fuck it. Gonna swallow every pill in reach!” kind of attempts. What I am feeling now is far, FAR beyond that. I am not actually upset at anything anymore. I don’t think I can feel anything, much less anger or pain. I really am just sick of wasting everybody’s time, energy, money, etc. I say it is a waste because it really is. People investing in me is fucking pointless since I wont be alive long enough to really use it. So I wanna get out now, before costing more people even more money.
I don’t have access to a gun. If I did, I wouldn’t be here typing this post. I wish I did, but I don’t. I also do not want to put anybody else in any danger. I only want to hurt myself, not other people. So I will be doing none of that “cop suicide” that seems so popular on TV. What would be the easiest, cheapest, most painless way to go about this? I really need to get it done before Monday. I figure there is no time like the present. I don’t have a lot of cash, either. I do live with my aunt, and I will not do anything to physically put her in danger. Is there a relatively cheap, painless way that I can end everything with before Monday morning? Something that is easily accessible to the average 23 year old male living in the US.
Again, I am not looking to be “saved”, or “helped”. If I thought there was any hope, I wouldn’t even be thinking this, would I? As much as I appreciate anybody telling me that I am not worthless, it doesn’t mean much if you don’t even know me. I have been absolutely obsessed with dying for 3 weeks now. And I mean absolutely obsessed. It is all I think about. I spend all fucking day and night researching suicide stories, etc. I am only scared that I am not scared, if that makes any sense. My girlfriend of 3 years did leave me a few weeks ago, which kind of threw me over the edge, but this was a LONG time in the making. I always knew that I would eventually lose her, and I always knew that it would also be the end of my life. She really was the only think making it bearable. I wasn’t anywhere near “happy” or even “content”, but at least I had a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. She is gone now, and she knows what I will be doing. It wasn’t any huge secret that my entire life is a joke, and that I will not choose to continue through it alone. We have talked about it for hours upon hours, at least 15 times in the last 3 years. I always made sure that she didn’t feel obligated to be with me out of pity, or guilt. I don’t believe she was. I believe she started being unhappy with me within the last 2 months. She knows me better than anybody else alive, and she actually understands it. I am leaving everything I own to her. At least she wont have to worry about me getting in the way of her life, or worrying about if I am alive or dead. It will be freedom for her, and myself.
Sorry, got off track there. Anyway, I am not completely opposed to a painful method, as long as it is also quick, and guaranteed. I do NOT wanna walk away from this one. Any advice, ideas, links, etc. will be VERY appreciated. Thank you!