I wrote this story last night on a piece of loose leaf.
“I don’t eat because I think I’m fat. I see a photo of me and I look fat. So I don’t eat. I had a talk with Dennis and Gloria today, both separate conversations. I realized I don’t want to die. I want to love and hopefully get sponsored by red bull one day for snowboarding and Roxy. That’s what I really want. I want to be happy again. I need a phone. Serious though. I need to smile and mean it. This is the starting point tonight. I wanted to kill myself and just stop breathing but really, I can’t do that. That’s stupid. I’ve got so much to live for. I want to snowboard and keep snowboarding for a long time, travel the world and take photos and videos. I want to go into competitions and just love life again. Meet awesome people and be happy. That’s what I want my life to consist of. I was listening to Bon Iver’s ” Skinny Love” and it made me realize that I don’t want to die. Not now. I’m only 16. Yes my life sucks. It’s also the life I was given. I make my own miserableness. I want to be happy. I want to hang out with my friends again, have a social life and like this summer, go out to movies, premiers at like 12am and to Tims at like 1am and dance under the stars with Nat or like some other person. I want that again. I want to make more frends like I used to and maybe join the musical next year. I want to be a football trainer and I’d like to have a date to Grad. I’d like to pass with honors. I’d like to get into Vermont University or UBC. This is what I want. Vermont has a snowboarding team. I realized that that’s what I want to do for a very long time. Snowboard. Anyway yeah. I need some help. Pediatrician help. I want to live knowing I made good choices and did what I love more than anything in the world and also getting sponsored by Roxy. That would be my dream come true. This is what I want and today is Day One.”
So anyways, that’s my story I wrote to myself. I know that I’m going to get somewhere with my life. I’m going to help change the world. That’s what I’m here for. Tonight, my guardians ( Can I even call them that? Not parents. Parents would care about you. Would know what you like and dislike. These people, I can’t call them my guardians. They don’t even want to get to know me. It’s unprofessional. My teachers care more about me than they do. Their coworkers care more about me than they do. So it’s sad and it’s difficult for me. I need an emotional attachment and they can’t give me that. So for now, I’m looking for a foster home to go to. One that would actually care about me. Get to know me. I’m 16 and I’m expected to be adult independent. It’s not for me. Never has been. They don’t believe I can become a professional snowboarder. But I will show them. They will be wrong. I am going to succeed in the end.) made me sign a contract to uphold their rules and stuff. So I did but i wasn’t crying in McDo’s because I had to sign it, I was crying because for 2 weeks, I have nothing. Nothing to do. Grounded for 2 weeks and if I can’t do what they ask of me then I’m gone to somewhere else. I am finally getting my life back together yaknow and they pull this stuff on me? It’s makes me question whether or not living is worth it anymore. I don’t even like them. My snowboarding team starts soon. I can’t go. I can’t go and they knew I was going to go snowboarding tomorrow because it opens and maybe Sunday. I had my school’s semi formal dance in 13 days. I can’t go. I was supposed to go to some parties with some new friends. I can’t go. But I’m a fighter and I’m going to get through this. I will go snowboarding, I will go to the dance and go to one or two of those parties. I’m not going to give up. I’m going to live. I’m breathing and that’s a miracle in itself.