My way out, my confession

February 28th, 2013by JSolitude

I must have been around 8 or 9 when my mother first brought me to a psychologist. I had to draw a tree and had to talk to the lady. Obviously I must have been depressed but I didn’t know the word for it. When I was 21 I did three suicide attempts over a 2 year period. The internet did not exist then and my method of trying to die humanely (sleeping pills – Lorametazepam to be exact) were not to succeed. Sleeping pills in combination with a bag: no use either. I was only left with the humilation of waking up in a psychiatric hospital where there were many people who felt it as there duty to save me. Or at least, as long I was in hospital because they were payed to do it. When I was 42 a psychiater finally diagnosed me as being ‘manic depressive’. An illement that can be treated but the remedy to fight the symptoms is as worse as the disease and it doesn’t make me ‘fit to work’ or not any regular job that is. Life is a burden and people will help as long as they see fit within there restrictions. Truly helping like assisted suicide and simply being present without JUDGING would be out of the question.

As the ones surrounding me I searched for reasons of my depressive nature:

  • I’m too sensitive
  • I should be more of  ‘a man’
  • I should have ‘more character’
  • There is ‘something wrong’ with my brain
  • From a young age I never grew over the violent divorce of my parents
  • I never grew over the grief of losing my first love
  • I should try to adopt more to the game of a harsh and competitive society

Did I always ‘feel bad’?

Of course not: I’ve had happy moments but these seam so few face to face with all the moments I at best feel apathy or at worst feel deeply sad inside about the ‘state of the world’. Life seams to me about trying to surviving it, not ‘living it’. Not being able to ‘enjoy it’ like other people seam to do much more than me.

I regularly browse the internet now searching for dependable suicide information. A documentary from the highly reputable BBC ‘How to kill a human being’ finally gave me the answer. The answer is the hydrogen method. Like you reading this, I have searched high and low to find dependable information on how to commit suicide the most humane way possible.

It’s good to know this.

It’ feels good to know there is an easy way out.

It feels like a burden that has dropped of my shoulders

I can not stand the people anymore with there easy oneliners like ‘lighten up’ or ‘you should talk to somebody’ or ‘take a pill’ remedies.

There is a way out, it’s painless, it’s lethal and I do know if you feel like me at least you will feel a little bit relieved knowing this.

 

 

 

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