I am a wreck. A hopeless, dependent, emotional wreck. I was going through the box I had packed all of the bathroom items in, when I moved 2 months ago (I had only been looking for the nail polishes), and I ended up seeing something that sent me into a panic. Suddenly my hands clammed up, my heart started racing, and my eyes filled with tears. It was a pill bottle. Nothing fancy, just some OVC pain pills for headaches and such. But to me it meant so much more than that. They had once been my best friend, my solace, my escape, my fall back plan, and sitting there rattling it, hearing the sound of three perfect pills ready to take me away again was too much. I remembered the days in middle school when I would walk home to an empty house and take three perfect pills to send me away into a land of peace and serenity, where I wasn’t a freak, or a bitch, or ignored, or alone. Sometimes I did other things, nothing illegal just stupid stuff, like sniffing markers and sanitizer in school, enclosing myself in a room filled with the fumes of an aerosol spray or cleaning supplies, or taking a ton of cough drops and cough syrup when I didn’t need it, but for me, it was always the pills that pulled me through. 2-3 pills everyday for months, even years. I had just recently decided to turn my life around since high school was starting, and my first step was to stop my unnecessary and obsessive pill-popping behavior. Seeing those pills again, during a time where I’m falling apart all over again has sent me back down a dark path. Now all I can think about are ibuprofen and melatonin, and if I take just the right amount, everything can be better once more. I don’t want to go back to popping pills. It ended up doing more harm than good. I got more depressed after I took them; they screwed up my sleeping pattern; and I became so emotionally and physically dependent on them that I couldn’t go a day without. But they just seem so tempting now. Maybe if I took just one, I could get enough bliss back to last me another 3-4 months. Probably not.
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