March 8th, 2013by idunno
Starting to care less about what p eople think of me. I don’t know what to write my thoughts are so jumbled I want to write though. I need to get my thoughts out. so basically I am wasting my life I am too Pathetic to push myself, I have no current interest in looking for a new job, there’s no way I’m going to be able to go back to school in the fall, I don’t like the idea of being the oldest one there, I really dont. So I’m not gonna do it . I really don’t give a shit about not graduating, it’s my life and it fucked me over, I really don’t have many needs so why should I need a pod paying job I dont want kids, that would be setting myself up for more misery which I know I wont be able to handle, I can barely take care of myself. I don’t know what I’ll be doing with my life but at least I’m sure it will get better and that’s all I’m concerned about. I do plan on having friends, as soon a I leave this country I’ll be abl to start over,,i am so paranoid here I don’t want to know anyone.
This is my life:
Stay up till thelate hours of the nite on my phone
researching what the fuck is wrong with me I’m usually either drinking alcohol I took from my parents or getting buzzed and hyped off of my feel good ADHD stimulants which usually just Ed u causing me severe anxiety and irritability. I lay there tired but too stimulated to sleep searching for something to satify my need For stimulation. I eventually passout wake up at 11am tired as he’ll 8missed calls from mom I can’t tell her I was sleeping that’s just pathetic. I call her back tired as fuck explain why I didn’t pickup ,explain what my plan is for the day preserve I have one. Pretend to applet for jobs online but instead go in mindless sites like porn . I then have chores to do which is never ending. I later go watch tv I pretend to do yoga which in reality I have no desire for. I do enjoy my time alone but day after day makes me feel lifeless. Thrush my parents come home all grumpy expecting supper to beade. Then I la I talk more with my mom and later watch more tv then have a bath to sedate me then “go to sleep again” then repeat. On the weekends I often gather with my one fat friend Jenny I pretend like everything going find I don’t mention what I’ve been up to or bring up any uncomfortableness , it’s awkward when I have nothing to say to her since nothings ever hardly new. The worst part about my life is the constant torment of my thoughts I’m always anxious and these thoughts stop me from feeling like abnormal person. I am very hard to satisfy I am never truly content in any moment the thought come u and ruin it. I’m surprised I’m not suicidal right now. I constantly worry about my future .eand about what other people are thinking of me I fear explaining myself to them and g opening up. I meet guys online I send dirty pics to them it makes me feel better at first but after I feel like shut. I think I’m finally stopping. I have few interests exept play sad songs on the keyboard that I play by ear. I am terrible at sports I am clumsy I have so many issues it’s hard to think that I could ever belong. Blah blah blahb my mind is mush. I really don’t know how people have it all together, how they seem to do things with so much ease, they are easily pleased and satisfied. Ignorant . Fuck I’m so fucking angry