I don’t know how I feel

March 8th, 2013 by whateveridc

Same old boring bad background like everyone else:

-My sister died when I was younger, and I still feel like it was my fault that she died.

-My parents split

-Living in poverty since then

- Haven’t lived in the same house for over a year in like 6 years,  eviction has met us more than once

-Don’t have anyone to trust

This year was the first time I really started to think about suicide seriously.   I was talking to the school psychologist about it and all she did was question me, “Do you have a plan?”, “What steps would you take?”.  Then she made me call a hotline and I for real did not want to.  I was kind of pissed.  Then she made me promise to tell 2 people before I did it..it was her and the school counselor.  Eventually they went behind  my back and called my mom in because I gave myself a concussion by hitting my head.  I was so angry, but of coarse they see it as more symptoms of depression.  They didn’t understand me.  Really ever since them I haven’t talked to them.  I see too many people just doing things to get attention.  I’m sick of it.  That’s why I bottle up my emotions.   I think that I am now a misanthropist…I hate humans.  I’m not kidding.  And I’m not hypocritical, because I hate myself also.

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3 Responses to “I don’t know how I feel”

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  1. I remember a few years ago I had that much constant anger and energy eventually it burns out and leaves you in a constantly fragile sick and tired state, you have to find a way to resolve it before you go all the way down, hating all humanity was the start of that drop for me. I completely screwed it up when I went through it so I never learned to solution, I honestly wish I had killed myself when I was 15 because it would have spared my last 3 years of ever increasing hell.

  2. You know what it is the counselors duty of care to do something like that. Sure it feels like a betrayal but why the fuck would she not call your parents? You may not want attention but something is sitting funny inside you. Something may even be a little broken. You need it right now. You at least need to do something to deal with all that hate and anger. I don’t care that you hate humans, we are pretty shitty to begin with. Is there no one you care for though, that is a little sad. No one is worthless. Some are worth your hate some are worth your respect (your counselor) and even love (yourself).

    Why have you gone down that road of self hate? What about you should be hated? I don’t know you like you know you. And I will never be more than some random too tired for their filter to be working but you should do something about that hate and anger. Express it someway by talking or crafting. Go punch some innocent furniture etc. Find something good about you or do something good.

    All the best etc.

  3. With what you’ve been through, well its completely understandable that you hate humans. You, from what I can tell, have literally seen the worst of humanity. I am not gonna tell you to not hate humans, you have every right to do so. But don’t let it control you because if you do then your no better then them. and if you hate something you should be better than it.

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