I just dont want to be here anymore

March 6th, 2013 by drewby92

My name is drew, i am 20 years old, and currently residing in a “suck you under” little town in texas. I grew up a happy child, played sports and had lots of friends. But were did it all go wrong? why do i have no friends? no family? no life? why is waking up a day to day challenge? i guess you could say im to chicken shit to kill myself. but the thought has passed my mind alot more than it should. i wish i could just leave this world behind….and no one would remember me. i see my life and friends passing me by. As they go off to college to have many friends and be successful. But what am i doing? Im still stuck in this small shit hole town, going my day to day life not wanting to leave my house, because the only time i am comfortable is in my own room. I have just lost the will to live, or do anything anymore. I used to have it all, but now i feel like im going through a mid life crisis at age 20…my mother is a good for nothing pill head, who has attepted suicide already, and threatens me again and again that she will a second time. My dad is a stubborn alcoholic, who thinks money is the only thing in this life. All my “friends” are sellouts. Would throw me under the bus to get ahead.
I feel so ashamed to be rambling to you people on a suicide forum, pretty sad right? But who else do i have to talk to? lol I am just sick and tired and being sick and tired. I hate the feeling of accepting loneliness. I hate myself. I hate the things ive done to people. The girls ive fucked over, the friends ive fought with, the way ive treated my family. Maybe this is all self imposed, like i deserve it all. I deserve to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I just wish i could be happy again, i could stand being alone if i was just happy. Im so miserable and ashamed of myself. All i want in life is for everyone to be happy….and i feel like me never being born would fix everything. I wish god or whoever is of higher power, would strike me down as im writing this to you all. No one should have to go through life like this, wanting to not live. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. i wish the best to all of you, i hope you eventually find what in life your looking for to make you want to stay.
-Drew

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10 Responses to “I just dont want to be here anymore”

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  1. I think it’s natural to be bummed out with all the adverse factors poking at us. I too am surrounded by morons, have fucked far too many chicks and live in a shit hole.

    Each week I keep trying to 1.) stay afloat 2.) inch forward 3.) prepare for exit, in case my luck runs out. What else can we do?

  2. Your story sounds almost the same as what I’m going through. I too am 20 years old and live in a small town of about 300 people. I don’t know about you but it seemed like as soon as high school was over everything just went straight down the drain. I’ve had many problems with my family and it seems like everything that can go wrong in my life is going wrong right now. I don’t have friends anymore, my family doesn’t notice me anymore and I just feel the most alone I’ve ever felt. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve been in trouble with the law, dropped out of school, don’t have a job money or friends and everything is so fast paced I cant take it anymore. I’m kinda the same way as you, I feel kind of pathetic and embarrassed posting all this on a website but I dont have anyone else I feel like I can talk to. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to I’m here. I think that talking to someone you don’t know and feels the same would be helpful…

    • i feel you man. i had everything when i graduated. i had all my boys, had a pretty girlfirend, a job, money, school. i though i would leave this town and never look back. but thats not how life works. if you ever need anybody man, im here. i feel you pain and your struggles. are you wanting to become a firefighter?

  3. it makes me feels better, you sound like your in my same exact boat. thanks man

  4. Exactly…Why and how did all of that stuff just vanish and why are we stuck like this now..its shitty.. but yeah I’m a volunteer firefighter in my hometown and an EMT. Eventually I’d like to do it all professionally. It’s the one thing I find that I absolutely love doing and it helps keep me feeling normal when I’m doing it. Idk if theres anything in particular that you like doing but if you can find something like that it really helps get your mind off of everything else. Thats the only reason I can keep moving forward.

  5. i listen to people say, of its just god making his path for you. but why would he take things from me that i cherished so much. Im actually signed up for the fire academy this summer, so ill per occupied for 6 or so months. Sometimes i feel like im supposed to be that guy in life..who supposed to take the brunt of things, but has to keep pushing forward. its like a gift and a curse all in its own.

  6. it honestly sucks, ive been through that be4, it was horrible!
    it gets tough rite? but u just stay strong man!

    • Yea man, life is a cold hearted bitch sometimes. You Stay up too man

  7. Hi guys,
    I’m also 20 and your stories resonated with me because I’m going through a similar situation, and I understand how healing it can be just to talk to somebody you can relate to. I wish there was some way I could help, because your stories are heartbreaking and I feel so helpless. It’s a little ironic that these sites restore my faith in humanity, but they do, purely because it seems that you are all so caring, and yet bad things happen to good people. Hopefully the fire academy will help you keep going like it’s doing for firefighter11. It would obviously be best to talk with someone in person, and I hope you all can find someone you trust to help you deal with these issues in real life, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you if you need me. You can email me at: coalsandashes@hotmail.co.uk if you would like, or can just reply to this post, or whatever you want. I like to listen so please don’t feel like I’ll judge you or something, because I won’t, as I do relate to you. Mostly I just wanted to let you know that at least one person out there does truly care about your happines. In case you don’t feel like replying, I hope you are all able to find better days. Peace.

    • i appreciate that man. Bad things happen to everyone, some more than others. Its all how we bounce back. Everyone on this site is on here for a reason, they are having trouble bouncing back. And it feels good to know people just like you and are going though the same shit everyday. They want to talk and help eachother, it lets you know these people are good people. loving people. But just as you are here for me, i am here for you. My best reguards..

      -Drew

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