I just dont want to be here anymore

March 6th, 2013by drewby92

My name is drew, i am 20 years old, and currently residing in a “suck you under” little town in texas. I grew up a happy child, played sports and had lots of friends. But were did it all go wrong? why do i have no friends? no family? no life? why is waking up a day to day challenge? i guess you could say im to chicken shit to kill myself. but the thought has passed my mind alot more than it should. i wish i could just leave this world behind….and no one would remember me. i see my life and friends passing me by. As they go off to college to have many friends and be successful. But what am i doing? Im still stuck in this small shit hole town, going my day to day life not wanting to leave my house, because the only time i am comfortable is in my own room. I have just lost the will to live, or do anything anymore. I used to have it all, but now i feel like im going through a mid life crisis at age 20…my mother is a good for nothing pill head, who has attepted suicide already, and threatens me again and again that she will a second time. My dad is a stubborn alcoholic, who thinks money is the only thing in this life. All my “friends” are sellouts. Would throw me under the bus to get ahead.
I feel so ashamed to be rambling to you people on a suicide forum, pretty sad right? But who else do i have to talk to? lol I am just sick and tired and being sick and tired. I hate the feeling of accepting loneliness. I hate myself. I hate the things ive done to people. The girls ive fucked over, the friends ive fought with, the way ive treated my family. Maybe this is all self imposed, like i deserve it all. I deserve to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I just wish i could be happy again, i could stand being alone if i was just happy. Im so miserable and ashamed of myself. All i want in life is for everyone to be happy….and i feel like me never being born would fix everything. I wish god or whoever is of higher power, would strike me down as im writing this to you all. No one should have to go through life like this, wanting to not live. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. i wish the best to all of you, i hope you eventually find what in life your looking for to make you want to stay.
-Drew

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