Relapse

March 31st, 2013 by kissnm10

I was doing better. I didn’t want to die for a couple of days. You know, I had a documentary about depression to start on, I scheduled classes for senior year of college, I spent time with friends that I love. Then I see a stupid Easter status that mentions the dickhead who broke my heart, and I’m snapped back to reality. I’m a nobody. The one person in my life who has ever claimed to truly love me never did. He said it himself that it was all fake. Why was I so stupid? I actually thought for a bit that maybe I was worth something, but it was all fake too. I’m nothing, absolutely nothing. I never should have existed. I have no worth, no purpose, no future. Just shit. All that semi-joy was bullshit—totally imaginary. Nobody will ever love me like I need. Who am I kidding? It’ll only ever be pretense.

I guess I’ll just never understand why people purposefully break others apart. I have enough trouble keeping myself together. I have no desire to hurt anyone else. Which is why I haven’t offed myself yet. I just care way too much how it’ll affect those that I love. I can’t tell anymore who actually gives a shit about me. It seems few and far between. But I know I love most everybody. I don’t even know if it’d hurt them that I actually died or if it’d just be a pain to have to clean up after me or explain what happened. I don’t want them to have to bother. I just want to rest forever. It’s not fair to be stuck in this world. I didn’t ask to be born, so why do I have to stay here? I don’t know what to do, but I do know that I feel alone and like total shit.

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One Response to “Relapse”

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  1. You like to have a man of your own. That’s natural. Men and women get attracted for reasons no one can explain. We think we love each other but sometimes it’s scary and sometimes it wears off.

    You are probably a hot mama you can find another man. Damn girl you know you want a boyfriend just set aside an hour each day to flirt and get one.

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